SouthernGirl, I hear exactly what you are saying. I think you're 100% correct that my H will likely outwait me every time. Cobra also has a pretty good angle on my H.
I feel like your suggestions were perfect for where I was three weeks ago with H. Now though, there has been some discoveries made and a lie told. Any acceptance of his kind gestures at this point, I see as acceptance of his poor behavior as well....as a sign that all is well when all is NOT well. I've tried to regauge myself back to neutral, pleasant even. Still getting there. But I can't keep allowing us to sweep our problems under the rug or I will be 50 and still going over the same 'should I stay or should I go' routine. Ya know?
I think your advice is great if my focus was still H and 'getting' him to open up and be in a R with me. Bur right now I really need some help in being true to ME. Acting congruent with how I feel. Making my boundaries clearer. It's time for both of us to GROW UP.
Am I making sense? I really want to follow Stig's advice and detach from the outcome. Nops said the same thing-it's perhaps time to table thoughts of reconcilation. I need to figure out what I want from this R and what I am willing tolerate and what I'm not. Then I should probably communicate that somehow in a non-challenging, as vulnerable as I can be way. The rest is up to him.
Yes, you're making perfect sense, and I totally understand where you're coming from. But I still think that, if your h is the sort of guy I think he may be, that he will never say things along the lines of "yes, it was wrong to lie to you. I'm very sorry, and it won't happen again" ... until he is already way back into the r. Even then, he might never say it, but show you. By not looking at porn by himself again, and maybe make an oblique reference to it that lets you know he did "get" it, and "is" sorry. He already knows what he did was wrong, or he wouldn't try to make those elaborate excuses. If he's that "type" I'm thinking of, he's got a very elaborate, if internal, sense of ethics that'll tell him loudly enough when he messes up.
With a guy like that, vulnerability is your only effective tool. Think Southern Belle. Because deep down, he doesn't want to hurt you. Freeze him out, and he'll freeze back, and I assure you he can last twice as long as you can, and then some.
I'd give it a try. I don't mean be supplicating, just kind. And vulnerable. And accepting. What have you got to lose? You're there for a year. Might as well try something different.
