Quote: It is a good thing that you appreciate his acts of service. But I wonder if that appreciation is enough for you in the long run.
no it is not enough, had it been enough things never would have gotten to the point they did. I need for h to learn my "love language" and hopefully over time and with patience h will understand the need to learn a new language. I wish I knew what h's language was...is....I don't have an explenation for why he "spent quality time" with another when that is what I wanted, I don't know if there was "touch" involved in their r but I know they did hug on at least one occasion and when they were seen she did have her hands on his back (exuse from her...crowded elevator, exuse from him...she is uncomf in elevators and asked if she could). h cannot communicate to me what his "needs" are other than to be given his "space" I am willing to give him his "space" if he is willing to give me the qt and touch that I crave.
I do not want to walk away...if I did...I would have left long before all this and wouldn't have married him.
LL - why not discuss the "Five Love Languages " book with him? The concepts are simple to explain, he doesn't really need to read the book to get it. Find out what his love languages are. Obviously one of his ways of expressing is acts of service.
You don't have to "accept" your life as it is. BUT, that doesn't mean you need to throw your M into the dumpster. You have the opportunity to give your H an important gift. Let him know (gently) your needs are not being met. My X didn't tell me until after she had decided the M was over (OK...maybe she tried...but in a harsh, confrontational way). If he continues not to hear, be very frank and tell him you can't go on this way. Perhaps you've done all that. But the fact you want him is a good indicator you can work this out together.
One more thing to think about....perhaps he cares more than he lets on. Perhaps he doesn't know how to express love the way you need him to. Take him by the hand and guide him. Don't assume he "gets it" or presume he should.
If you feel like "playing", here's a little "excersize" that might help.
Make yourself a list of all the needs you have that you feel are important for YOU to have a good relationship. Make it a long list, and try not to leave anything out. Even, and especially, those needs that you feel are already being met.
Once you've made that list, rank them in order, starting from the MOST important, down to the LEAST important.
Once you have that done, it's time to do a little "horse tradin'"!
Which one, or ones, of your most important needs are you willing to "trade" for getting 2 or 3 of your least important ones met? From these least important needs that aren't being met, which ones do you think might be the easiest to get fulfilled?
Conversely, what is your ONE most important need that you would like to have met, maybe even NEED to have met, that you might be willing to give up a few of the smaller needs for?
Once you have some of these answers, it might be easier to see just exactly where you might want to place some emphasis on setting up some goals for yourself, and your relationship.
JJ
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LL, I just got finished reading your last few days of frustration...you seem to know that your h is trying...yet you say he's not doing the things you want him to... You are still bitter about the ow, give yourself the time to heal and to forgive your h.I probably have no room to talk, but I feel that until you can resolve your feelings of all that has happened to hurt you and truly move on, that your m will not start to heal the way it should. How can it. Again, I really have no experience in what will work when the spouse comes home, but he is home and has said many things to you to reassure you, let them be the small steps...look for the positive each day...I have said all along how I envy you...you have been so strong and I know that you have been working on it a lot longer than I have..yes, you are entitled to being tired of it all, that is when you have to step back...refoccus on how far you have come.. take care SUe
had a head full of things to say but now don't really know how to put any of it.
I fluctuate back and forth for how I feel about h and how I feel he feels about me. (sheesh is it ok to use feel that much in a sentance??)
this certainly would be a whole lot easier if h would talk to me openly about his feelings but that is just not his way.
the party last night was a lot of fun...I have such great friends!! h was good too...he lit the bon-fire and hung out with us. he does do some things that are odd but they are just him. like while everyone was out at the fire after a while he came inside to watch some tv. while the last of the guests where hanging out with me (two of were "his" friend) he escaped to the puter to check the weather. some people view this behaviour as rude and inconsiderate and often at times I would too...it's not very hostly but h didn't come from that type of family so how would he know any different? actually I recall the christmas party that we had that ended up being mostly his employees and one of my friends and h in the middle of the party took off to the puter to listen to his football clip thing. ( I don't know what to make of that kind of behaviour, it's not knew it's just him is probably why he doesn't have many friends)
tonight he is at his cousins watching the game and plans to come home after?? perhaps the "plans to come home" is due to the fact that it's supposed to snow and he may have to go out plowing so he'd stay at that damn appartment.
I really don't know how to be with a man like my h. h does his own thing, goes about his business and until ow I would have thought h honestly could just be alone and be happy but why the ow??? suppose I will never be able to figure that out and the longer I try to the more bitter and frustrated I will become...BUT (yeah yeah I know me and my buts) are we not supposed to identify why the affair happend? what needs weren't being met? etc..
I do not know what h's needs are...and if I don't know what h's needs are how can I keep him happy??? I did ask this of h recently (ok that crappy conversation on the way home from the ski trip) and h said "do you hear me complaining?" well of course my response was "no, but you weren't complaining before either, you just went off and found someone else" so you see what am I to do with h??
my needs are starting to be met??? are h's? what are h's needs?
this is a question I asked him when he first decided that he wanted to come home.
I had asked what he was afraid of in comming home.
comming home and having "it" not be there.
what is "it"
happiness
what do you need to be happy
I don't know
how do you intend to figure that out
well first of all to stop spending time with ow and do alot of soul searching.
ok
well I still haven't gotten an answer...I don't know if "it" is here for him.
I don't know and there is no way for me to truly gauge it all. is he giving me the things I want because he just wants me to be happy or is he giving me the things I want because I am making him happy?? what am I supposed to give him?? I thought I was doing everything for him but he went to someone else and left and the explenations that I've gotten haven't given me much to work with.
LL sorry that was long and went no where but better here than in my head I suppose.
You certainly have done lots of reflecting since I last checked in! Good to hear that the party went well. I am sorry that you have been so discouraged. I can sympathize with so much you have been through, as I have felt much the same over the course of my M. You deserve to know you are loved, and to be treated like a queen. I know you have so much to give him, if only he would reciprocate!
sorry that was long and went no where but better here than in my head I suppose.