h has heard some of the things that I had complained about before his leaving and is doing somethings to change..
before h left I took care of the kids getting them off to bed was my job h just kissed them goodnight (I once bathed son while dd sat in a bouncy seat next to me while across the hall h sat and listened to the same old football clip that he'd heard 1000 times already) now there are times when h puts both kids to bed on his own even if I am home and that too is different..before if I so much as wanted to get out to do some shopping I'd be requested to put son to bed before I left... now I don't even have to tend to dinner if I have somewhere to go.
just this am h woke...cleaned the bathrooms (there are 4 toilets and he cleaned them all!!) swept up the piles after I swept the floors.
tonight we are having a bon-fire party and h called to do the inviting (ok so I gave him the list but he still did it)
when I make a suggestion to go out and do something h typically accepts while in the past (even before ow?) the answer was typically not interested.
the things I am looking for are random hugs, (which if I mention to h he will say, I did just the other day didn't I, oh such a martian) small tokens of his love (actually I'd be thrilled if he'd just say " I want you to put your ring back on" and yes he knows I am waiting for him to ask) a card, I'd be happy with a loli pop honestly. I'd like for him to make plans for us to do something instead of just accepting my suggestions and did have a conversation about it with him... his response "that's just not me" so I suppose I should just be happy that he now accepts.
it's just going to take some time for me to adjust to things and accept that h is here and not just for the kids. after all when h was expressing his confusion back at the end of september he said... it can't be just for the kids I know there will be a ton of guys that want to give you the world, there probably already are and I used to be one of them but that can't be a reson either. and on his list went.
his reason for comming home...
while he was gone he always had US in mind, needed to know that WE were ok not just the kids but me too...that said something to him... let him know that he does still love me.
h is trying, he's trying in his way and if I step back away from what my expectations are and look I can see that h is trying to meet my expectations and perhaps he's right if I take it one day at a time and accept his trying... the things I am looking for will come with time and somedays they are already there.
I still struggle with the a, still wonder what their "friendship" was all about, wonder if it was physical in anyway other than the admitted hugs when she was feeling down about her illness, wondering if she is prettier than me, thinner than me, dressess better than me, is funnier than me, happier than me, smarter than me (well obviously not she had an a and IS leaving her h)etc, etc...
alot of the problem is not h but me, I am very insecure, always have been, so I am in constant question of everything and everyone.
things will get better, I will not be settling for a loveless m, h does love me, I love him, we just need to learn how to communicate that better to eachother.
