h knows how I feel about the ow being a customer...made that request long before he ever left the house.
he has yet to decide how he's going to handle it..perhaps if she does d her h she will not have the money to afford the luxury of his services.... but honestly her being a client does little to ensure his availabilty to her that window was passed through long ago there was no reason whatsoever for h to be being at her home even once a week (he does not do the services) so what good does it do. yes he could always go back to her but to hear him say it she doesn't want anything to do with him...she wants to be with someone who wants her and his confusion and comming back to me have left her seeing that he doesn't know what he wants but she will still d her h anyway.
h's appartment....he knows how I feel about that too...but still he keeps it as a convenience hell for all I know he could be going there to take naps during the day.
as to why h left??? to spend more time with her??? she did have a h who came home everyday after work...my h was already seeing her 3x a week and talking to her everyday...h was leaving this house at 5:30am and usually not returning till 7pm and I had no idea where he was all day and still usually don't. so really what more freedom did he need to see her. hell the night he brought me and dd home from the hospital he left to go to the "office" to do some work, two nights later he went to bil's to watch football. I mean really is this a guy who needed to leave home to have more freedom???
none of it matters.
h didn't value our r
h screwed up royally in having r with ow whether it was physical or not.
h left me and the kids
h came home
h doesn't know how to fix it and I'm starting to think the reason he doesn't want to go to c is because the truth will come out.
Quote: h knows how I feel about the ow being a customer...made that request long before he ever left the house.
Maybe the request needs to be made again...now that you're in a "different place?"
Quote: h doesn't know how to fix it and I'm starting to think the reason he doesn't want to go to c is because the truth will come out.
LL, none of our Ses WANT to work on our M. It's hard, it hurts, it goes against how they are presently feeling, and it takes WORK. Nonetheless, it NEEDS to be done...eventually. You cannot continue in this fashion...it's too destructive. Honestly, LL, you've got to get a game plan together here. Resigning yourself to your sitch is the same as saying that you're waiting for Mr. Right to come along and tell you all the things you want to hear. You know this, you've seen this, and you've read it on this BB a million times. You are a prime WAW candidate.
You've got to change the dynamic, change the patterns of the past, and get a game plan. I'm so sorry...
jethro, I have recently told h I would like for ow to no longer be a customer just a recently as while we were away on our little ski trip.
a game plan??? dunno anymore other than to work on me...be the best me I can be...do what I want to do whether it pleases h or not (like painting an decorating the dining room who gives a hoot if he don't like it) I will fill my life with whatever I want to do...h will not mind and h will not change.
as recently as two nights ago I let h know this is not working...and h just wants to go with the flow...take it one day at a time...it's not working..I know it's not working h should know it's not working but perhaps h has resigned himself to just be content (after all when he came home he was stupid enough to say that he has to put his needs aside) to live in a nice house with his kids with a woman who will cook and clean and looks good and only wants to look better, who doesn't give him crap for watching football or going to games or doing what he wants to do.
the plan???? hang in there as long as I can and when I am in a more stable place and the kids are in school and have other things asside frome me..beat it...unless of course h changes.
I've only caught up with your most recent posts, so forgive me if I ask you a few things that you've already addressed, ok?!
When it comes to your feelings of not being loved, and him not working on the R, how have you been on "asking for what you want", and "catching him doing things right"?
Do you think that you have given him a pretty clear picture of exactly what it that makes you feel loved? Or is he just shining your wishes on?
Are there ever any times when he IS doing things right? If so, what's going on during these times? What are YOU doing that might be making this happen?
During these times, are you doing things to let him know that "he done good"? Have you ever verbally told him that some of the things he was doing when he first got back made a difference, that these were some of the things that you like?
JJ
Read about Divorce Busting® Telephone Coaching here!
Quote: When it comes to your feelings of not being loved, and him not working on the R, how have you been on "asking for what you want", and "catching him doing things right"?
yes, yes, yes, I have made it very crystal picture clear what it is that I want...and I have been told it will come with time. (sorry if I need it now, so I sent myself flowers and initiate my own hugs but sorry I refuse to attempt to initiate sexual contact as I am tired of the rejection faced over the years, I plan all the "dates" cause h just never get's around to it or comes up with anything so even when it is left to him I still have to decide what to do, but I am not bothering this year for valentines day (which no doubt will mean we will be at home and get take out and watch tv. wooo hooo way to woo your woman!!)
I have said many times in many different ways what it is I want and need. and when he's " done good" I am certain to let him know and not with a "see this is what I want why can't you" attitude either, I am just thankful and appreciative in return, sometimes smile and sometimes tears of joy that have to be explained cause h doesn't understand those.
as I've said I have painted a clear picture for h of what it is I want and what it is I need. some of them (like being the one to pick something to do and say hey hon I got a sitter let's go ____!) just aren't him and he's not willing to try something new.
don't get me wrong...things are obviously better than they were before h left, but not where I want them to be and I don't really feel progress with h and I, yes progress as parents, progress as homeowners but as true companions??? lovers??? friends??? I don't feel progression there, maybe it's just me and my damn misserable defeatest attitude??
we'll see what tommorrow brings.
LL has left the building!
btw thank you all for stopping by today, I'll stop by and see if I can spread some cheer when I get out of my funk wich knowing me will be tommorow morning!
Howdy. Haven't posted to people as I have been in a funk.
May I offer a couple of thoughts? There is a possibility that you may have SAID very clearly what your needs are, but your H never HEARD what they are.
That was an enlightment I had in the C today with my W. I remember my W had said so many things to me about her dissatisfactions, but I never took them into my heart until now she walks out of the door. I thought I was a sensitive enough person, but when she said things like she did not like my dragging her around in dancing, she never heard me or felt me, I could never understood what she meant and what I can do to change them. So the communication did not break down on your side, but possibly on your H's side, either he willingly dismissed them, or he just did not realize how important these messages are.
So a couple of thoughts. Couple therapy? Maybe it is time to ask him again, if your H still wants to stay home. Tell him how unhappy you are, even though you appreciate his being home. This is a M both you and your H need to work on, after all.
Secondly, you may want to consider changing a C for you, if you don't want to spend $$ on the phone consultants. I am not sure if your C can really support your cause to work on your M. Trust me, there are plenty of C's out there that are either incompetent or unwilling to help you work on M. I had my personal experience interviewing numerous C's, and I can't tell you how badly I felt about many of the professionals out there. Until today I realized that how much a competent and willing C could change the world for me, and I wish I could find a way to have my previous MC revoked with her license. Even with the DB phone consultants, who I felt are generally pretty good by the way, you have to feel comfortable with their strategies and approaches, and more importantly, whether their helps are effective, before you continue to work with them. You can tell after a session or two. But the point is, you need to shop around and don't settle for the second best.
LL, I know how hard it is, and I have to say that I admire your willingness to work on your M, despite the frustrations. But, as you also know that M is a life-long effort, and if you are just trying to hold up now, no one can hold up for long enough over 10-20 years without feeling loved and they are still happily married. Many women became WAW. I don't think that is the path you want to go down, as you truly love your H. These WAW also love their H, but they tried for so long and they are tired of putting up with it anymore.
So, please, let's do something to help your H love you. Perhaps bring him to our DB get together so Jim, Chris and I can smack him with some 2x4 . Or, please try to find the help that can truly help you.
h has heard some of the things that I had complained about before his leaving and is doing somethings to change..
before h left I took care of the kids getting them off to bed was my job h just kissed them goodnight (I once bathed son while dd sat in a bouncy seat next to me while across the hall h sat and listened to the same old football clip that he'd heard 1000 times already) now there are times when h puts both kids to bed on his own even if I am home and that too is different..before if I so much as wanted to get out to do some shopping I'd be requested to put son to bed before I left... now I don't even have to tend to dinner if I have somewhere to go.
just this am h woke...cleaned the bathrooms (there are 4 toilets and he cleaned them all!!) swept up the piles after I swept the floors.
tonight we are having a bon-fire party and h called to do the inviting (ok so I gave him the list but he still did it)
when I make a suggestion to go out and do something h typically accepts while in the past (even before ow?) the answer was typically not interested.
the things I am looking for are random hugs, (which if I mention to h he will say, I did just the other day didn't I, oh such a martian) small tokens of his love (actually I'd be thrilled if he'd just say " I want you to put your ring back on" and yes he knows I am waiting for him to ask) a card, I'd be happy with a loli pop honestly. I'd like for him to make plans for us to do something instead of just accepting my suggestions and did have a conversation about it with him... his response "that's just not me" so I suppose I should just be happy that he now accepts.
it's just going to take some time for me to adjust to things and accept that h is here and not just for the kids. after all when h was expressing his confusion back at the end of september he said... it can't be just for the kids I know there will be a ton of guys that want to give you the world, there probably already are and I used to be one of them but that can't be a reson either. and on his list went.
his reason for comming home...
while he was gone he always had US in mind, needed to know that WE were ok not just the kids but me too...that said something to him... let him know that he does still love me.
h is trying, he's trying in his way and if I step back away from what my expectations are and look I can see that h is trying to meet my expectations and perhaps he's right if I take it one day at a time and accept his trying... the things I am looking for will come with time and somedays they are already there.
I still struggle with the a, still wonder what their "friendship" was all about, wonder if it was physical in anyway other than the admitted hugs when she was feeling down about her illness, wondering if she is prettier than me, thinner than me, dressess better than me, is funnier than me, happier than me, smarter than me (well obviously not she had an a and IS leaving her h)etc, etc...
alot of the problem is not h but me, I am very insecure, always have been, so I am in constant question of everything and everyone.
things will get better, I will not be settling for a loveless m, h does love me, I love him, we just need to learn how to communicate that better to eachother.
I am glad you did not take offense for my comments...
Quoting lostlove: alot of the problem is not h but me, I am very insecure, always have been, so I am in constant question of everything and everyone.
I wanted to say that I admire your willingness to take responsibilities in the R. Many people did not realize that before they walked way. Yet, the way I saw your H is trying, mind you I should also commend him for his trying as you did, did not really speak your "love language". I think his love language was act of services, your primary languages seemed to be quality time and physical touch. There is a significant idiosyncracies between you two. It is a good thing that you appreciate his acts of service. But I wonder if that appreciation is enough for you in the long run.
During my C session yesterday, my W very specifically told me how she would like to be loved. It opened my eyes. Her love languages are also quality time and physical touch, but she needs them in very, very specific ways. Without my W's instructions and the C's encouragements to practice, I would never get it right even if I was told what to do. My way of hugging were just not enough. (Of course, my C's theory was that I was not observant enough of how my W showed affections; I am not contesting that as I am willing to take that part of responsibilities. But I did not appreciate my W's walk away without letting me know that I had to try... Oh well, enough me)
I guess my point is that there are many good things that have happened in your sitch that I envy. Your H is trying; you are appreciative of his trying. Both are very important in coping with your spouses as no one is going to speak exactly the same love laguages. But I am just not sure if that would be enough in the long run for both of you.
As for your concern for A, I see that is also a question of whether you feel loved enough in your R. It takes time to rebuild the trust, and feeling loved would help tremendously. I hear your pain and concerns, but it takes time and effort for both of you to find the right way to express loves to the other before this feelings would subside.
Just a couple of thoughts, LL. Again, not sure if I was on target or not, but just hope you can not only win your H back, but have a really happy and fulfilling M life... Something I am still dreaming of...
. Or, please try to find the help that can truly help you.