LL, I hate hearing you sound so...resigned. KAW is right and that IT IS NOT fair for you to continue in a loveless R, and I'm convinced your dynamics have to change to change the R. If you think having a session with a DB coach will help, then do it...to heck with the money.
I'm going to go out on a limb here and be exceedingly blunt. Hopefully, I won't get any flack for it. There are two very interesting things I learned in the "After the Affair" book: 1) That when our Ses ask for a S, it is most often because they want to spend time with OP...where we are not monitoring their every move. 2) When our Ses continue having "some" connection to OP, there is always the possibility of a recurrence. 3) Until 1 and 2 are ceased, our S will not be focused on us.
Now, this is what the book says and I know there are always variations...so it isn't gospel. For example, I know some people S to have time to think things over and some people still maintain contact with OP and it is okay, such as in a work environment.
LL's sitch: For #1, your H still keeps an apartment. Being S does NOT help an R. Spending quality time together does (although, admittedly, I've heard positive things about people being S for a while). He's not staying in apartment and is at home. Good. But does the ease of moving back to the apartment exist? For #2, OW is still a client of H. I imagine that the income he receives from her business is minimal. What does this likely mean? The door is still open a crack and your H won't admit it, either because he thinks he has the willpower, or he knows he doesn't.
My feeble opinion? Your H has to make the move to eliminate #1 and #2 in order to really focus on your R. He has not done this yet, and still might given some time. Should you be patient? Should you be demanding? I don't know, that's for you to decide.
In my sitch, although my W ended the PA last October, she continued to talk on the phone with OM until I found out. She agreed never to have contact with him, nor ever to go to the bar in which she met him. This was the step we needed to move on to actually work on our R... That's not to say your H is carrying on with OW...who knows. His focus just isn't where it should be...yet... I just think he elminating these things will kickstart his efforts a bit more. I also will say that it's likely you continuing to be patient for some time will make him eliminate these things himself. Which is better...you asking him to eliminate the obstacles or he doing it himself? I don't know the answer. What I do know is that the longer he persists, the more difficult it is for you...
