MC, your thread is so long I couldn't possibly read everything. So I read the first one, then the 7th and this one. It does seem that our situation is somewhat similar except your W is my H.

I will try to follow your thread more often. I also have problem expressing my feelings and I believe I did not care for h so much before. So for me, the 180 is showing more affection, which I think is also one thing that your W complains about. Instead of going dark, I try to be more proactive and initiate more outings. You have to be VERY CAREFUL here though not to push. Something which keep me in check:
- don't force the outing. Let's say, if there is an hour "window" between the kids' practice, or whatever, "why not go for a cup of coffee?" is good. But asking her out for coffee when you are trying to cut her off from FOM is bad.
- don't expect ANYTHING. When you two go out, it's for some fun. Don't expect her to thank you. Say, "Hey, I think the movie is funny. Don't you think <that part of whatever> is great?" Try to avoid asking, "Did you have a good time WITH ME?" that may or may not push her away. I don't know.
- For my h (male), I need to give him a break after some outings. Time spent with you is great because that's time away from FOM. However, you cannot keep doing this because I am pretty sure your W will feel pressured. Consider letting go after asking her out a couple of times. Then wait for her to initiate.
- GAL. Go do something else, something new. She may miss you, or she may not. But you will have some interesting topic to talk to her next time you "date"

Basically it is a great balancing act. You want her to have good times with you, to have those good "new" memories. At the same time, go have a good time yourself by doing things without her, with your coworkers, with your friends. It will make an impression on her that "it's good to be with you, not so good when you are not around." As with FOM, ignore him. He really is NOT the problem.
Gotta go now. will post when I get more time. take care

M 38, H 38, two sons
Met 20 years ago
Married 13 years
Bomb: Oct, 2006
DB: Started in Dec, 2006
H moved out for 3 weeks in Mar, 2007
H back home and piecing?