thanks for the advice folks. don't think a call is worth the expense and besides it's all h's money and I'd not doubt get [censored] for it as I am already seeing a c. my c by the way was convinced over the summer while h was headed down the d train that perhaps h just isn't the man for me. I don't know if h is the man for me or not. I feel that reading r books and doing this and doing that and having an understanding of r's is only drawing me closer and closer to just mere acceptance of things. when h first came to me with saddness at being in his "hell" and just wanting peace and wanting to "fix" things but not knowing how, I gave him dr...he read the infidelity section and gung-ho started to read the rest but that was the end of that.. one little evening of reading... I then bought mars and venus and started to read it. read some of it to h and he seemed attentive to it. asked h to go to c. (he doesn't want to "yet" and perhaps never will)

h feels that I have always wanted to "change" him... no I do not want to change him I would just like to change the way that we relate or interact with eachother.

I already know what it will be like to be in a "loveless" m, have been in one for years already, these feelings of mine are not new...hell if I had enough balls I would have left years ago and perhaps would not have even been around at the time of proposal anyway.

h does "try" I guess, he did after all take my car this morning to get a new inspection sticker, new registration and have it cleaned. BUT the excitment and affection and love and attention I see him give to his kids, his lawn, his cave and his football or even to his "buddie" is seriously lacking when it comes to me. I know it's in there burried he showed it to me when he first started to come around...following me around the house, hugging me, looking at me, persuing me sexually, spending time with me, calling me and just talking with me, sitting on the couch cuddling and attentavly watching tv with me...it's in there somewhere... I just don't know how to get it back and keep it around.

I want to cry all the time and the funny thing is over the summer while h was gone and wanting a d...it was not depression that I felt it was anxiety...now I am not anxious I am depressed. I thought things would change but it seems that they haven't. maybe I should not have asked h to move home maybe I should have just let him continue to come when he felt like it, maybe I should not have asked that he stop contact with ow, (though she is still a customer! ) he still has his appartment but I know at this point he will not leave again unless I start going on regular tangents packing up his stuff.

I don't know what I can do anymore...there is no point in asking him to go to c again because I know what the answer will be...the books are still here but he (probably) wont read them.

I want to do this, I want to explore every option but I suppose just like his taste in decorating (h is content with the bland dining room never painted old 40$ walmart rug, stock chandelier, 3$ sheers, and our old kitchenette set) while I want some style.

there's not much else I can do but focus on me and make myself as happy as I can be. if h doesn't want to participate in an active loving r with me then so be it not much I can do about it anymore.

LL