Well, I am absolutely exhausted... Since I was up in the area last night, I drove by to see if H was at OW's house. Didn't see his car anywhere around there. I came home, and he was not home either. I was up until about 12:30. I woke up at 3:30 and couldn't sleep and went to look again, and I still couldn't find his car either at the office or around OW's house... OW lives on a city street, so there are lots of side streets around there, and H usually goes out a few blocks to park. So when I go there, I have to drive around a while to find his car. I just didn't see it today. My gut tells me that he is there, but I just couldn't confirm it. So I got home at about 5:45 and am a wreck now. I'm so tired and have been crying, just feeling lost and confused and angry and not knowing what to do. I know i need to hold it together for our trip and not make a mess of that, and that's what I intend to do, but my heart is just breaking... I keep thinking negative thoughts about us not staying together and how hard that would be to lose him and the business and the closeness of our families, and I think about how bad I messed up in our marriage and how angry I am that things got so screwed up now. I'm worried that things will never be able to be the same (but better/different) than they were. I just feel so hopeless and alone... I just pray that these are all normal feelings for whatever "stage" this is that we are in. My heart is breaking...
