Well my Hubby is at it again and oh yes I would rather take his anger than no contact like last year .. and then again I remeber last year at this time he still called me to help him run his Business. This is how my Morning started .... My H calls to have me help him get directions to the next jos site using my laptop and the internet,, he is calling me from out of state ... he is in a hurry so he gives me @ 3 minutes to get online and pull up directions. I pull them up and I am in a great mood so is he!!! Then it gets a little tense not him callling me names like he used to when I would help him find an address. I tell him how to get there and he gets short right away and interupts me.. but I do tell him the highway he wil exit on he then needs to keep following it to his destination.... so meanwhile my computer when I move the cursor only now shows me a white screen and I cannot see a turn he is talking about and he gets angry... How can I possibly help with a blank screen and my real ? is ... He had to have this address last nite so why not ask mw to get ready or be a little/lot more patient with me..
he proceeds to take a sharp left he was telling me about and this is one block before he is to continue to go straight. So when I finally reboot my computer cause it froze too I tell him he is going the wrong way and he says " SEE THIS IS THE TURN I WAS TELLING YOU ABOUT I HAVE PEOPLE FOLLOWING ME AND I HAVE NO TAIL LIGHT AND ...
I interupt and say " I am really sorry honey please apologize to them for me but I simply cannot help you with a blank screen. I am doing the best I can." He does not say anything.... His cell had been turned off this am for nonpayment so he had ben calling me from his crew leaders phone and he calls me back and VERY DRYLY says to me... " I am giving his phone back so do not call me anymore on it ok ? bye."
just like that... GREAT START TO MY MORNING!
THIS USED TO BE A DAILY OCCURRENCE... I do not mind helping but once again I AM HUMAN for God's sake cut me a tiny bit of slack. Have a great day evryone.. I will try to have one and smile I am just a little hurt by this and he will cal later like no big deal or remind me of what an "idiot" I am. GOD BLESS...
I am reading old posts ,,, I was looking for a post I made that might help someonelse who is hurting on this board the way I used to .. and found this...
Quote:
Thank you GOD for allowing him to be beautiful with me ,, please help to restore him,please give him direction, please bless him , please help me to be strong and let go of the outcome, please bless me with guidance. Shine your light on me so that I will feel blessed instead of confused , give me patience to see this through. Be my guiding light in this time of great turmoil, give me strength to be more like you and let go and forgive. Take away my pain and replace it with joy. Help me love without measure,help me please.
To forgive is divine let me feel it and give me peace,, I will do your will and love til there is no more left in me to give , help me to shine , help me to have faith. I place my life in your hands and ask only for strength, to keep me in your arms. I want the best for myself and my Family,Please help me see. Open my eyes to new ways to love and show gratitude everyday,, open my heart to feel only pure love and set the hurt aside to live in your light and find comfort in knowing you will always take care of me even when I forget to take care of myself. Bless me dear GOD and forgive me for not loving so freely before,,, for living in fear.
I wrote this 16 days before, Reconciling, he told me I love you and want to be with you. WOW.....God is good....
Ok now I am convinced that I am oficially nuts.... I am listening to AL GREENE " Lets stay together." (yes I play "oldies" all day while in my home office... ) and I am being reduced to tears....
I probably should have passed out some WINE glasses before and served GRAPES AND CHEESE TOO..... I,, no WE have come a very long way to get to this day MAY 21, 2007, we have faced many things together and on our own and even though we fell down many times we both got back up and brushed our knees off and started over.
Many times I felt like I had to go back to square ONE AND START OVER!! But I did it no less.... looking back as I have been reading old posts today and just taking it easy .. I am still sick with the flu yuck.... I REALIZE HOW I WENT UP AND DOWN IN MY MOODS LIKE A ROLLERCOASTER.... ~wow~
.... these days are far more tranquil. I am a year older , 15 pounds heavier and aloooooot Happier. But that is what I love about posting here it is a good place to organize my thoughts!
The AL GREENE song I heard before reminded me of a bittersweet day when we were tripping over ourselves trying to make this better and we were newly Reconciled and I told my H when this song came on that it was a song that made me think of him and he danced to it with me in our bedroom and for the next week he would play it every morning before going to work.
Sometimes I want to take a break from al this self awareness and renewal I am working on and just sit back and enjoy it but I have only recently gotten a feeling of "NORMALCY" so I know that all this hard work is worth it and I need to keep moving forward to get this to an even better place. It feels so good to me to put my thoughts on paper and see how far I have come.
It feels grand and yet there are small moments where I feel like if I enjoy it too much it will suddenly STOP! So I still keep mental notes of what works , what does not and what my H loves. I write it down ( well put it into my computer calendar) when he gives me clues to what he really likes .. the dislikes I just change ..... when he joked with me last week that I hadn't called I realized how important it is for him for me to call even if he is super busy with work and I "ASS" ume he does not need to hear from me.
SO I need to remember that it is a work in progress and keep working. God bless...
Ok now I am convinced that I am oficially nuts.... I am listening to AL GREENE " Lets stay together." (yes I play "oldies" all day while in my home office... ) and I am being reduced to tears....
I probably should have passed out some WINE glasses before and served GRAPES AND CHEESE TOO..... I,, no WE have come a very long way to get to this day MAY 21, 2007, we have faced many things together and on our own and even though we fell down many times we both got back up and brushed our knees off and started over.
Many times I felt like I had to go back to square ONE AND START OVER!! But I did it no less.... looking back as I have been reading old posts today and just taking it easy .. I am still sick with the flu yuck.... I REALIZE HOW I WENT UP AND DOWN IN MY MOODS LIKE A ROLLERCOASTER.... ~wow~
.... these days are far more tranquil. I am a year older , 15 pounds heavier and aloooooot Happier. But that is what I love about posting here it is a good place to organize my thoughts!
The AL GREENE song I heard before reminded me of a bittersweet day when we were tripping over ourselves trying to make this better and we were newly Reconciled and I told my H when this song came on that it was a song that made me think of him and he danced to it with me in our bedroom and for the next week he would play it every morning before going to work.
Sometimes I want to take a break from al this self awareness and renewal I am working on and just sit back and enjoy it but I have only recently gotten a feeling of "NORMALCY" so I know that all this hard work is worth it and I need to keep moving forward to get this to an even better place. It feels so good to me to put my thoughts on paper and see how far I have come.
It feels grand and yet there are small moments where I feel like if I enjoy it too much it will suddenly STOP! So I still keep mental notes of what works , what does not and what my H loves. I write it down ( well put it into my computer calendar) when he gives me clues to what he really likes .. the dislikes I just change ..... when he joked with me last week that I hadn't called I realized how important it is for him for me to call even if he is super busy with work and I "ASS" ume he does not need to hear from me.
SO I need to remember that it is a work in progress and keep working. God bless...
Well I have been slacking on updating... I have tried to a few times and I would have to do something and I would just close the window. And I do not like it cause I need to keep myself organized ..
I must say I am really proud of myself b/c I am actually getting alot stronger and my personality is really coming out now more. I am no longer "hiding" behind myself. It feels so liberating to be myself. To love myself with all my flaws and to allow myself to love after all the hurt I have been thru. and wow that last one is way easier said than done. Where to begin... so many blessings in my heart right now that today I just burst into tears of happiness... ~ wow~ it sure has been a year to remember and to forgive and forget.
To explain all the changes my H is making is just ~ WOW where to begin and then I just follow suit and it is making me incredibly happy and I cannot even believe my eyes or my heart... All the changes he is making for me the have one thread in common and it is something I was always searching for from him but he would never ever really give me RESPECT .. and boy when he hands me this on a platter... I am putty in his hands. He is changing and yet the same but he is really growing up a lot towards me and when he makes a mistake I call him on it.
....not that day but later when it seems ok to fit it in the convo and he is alot more receptive lately to hear it. I am truly amazed. I was just recently so upset cause I thought he was going back to old ways.. it seems he tests me and when I pass ( by not resorting to old behaviors) ~ he then grows. I could get used to this .... He called me out of the blue just Friday and said " Get me a plane ticket I am coming home." Real matter of fact like. I went on the INTERNET and within minutes I knew he was coming home. I tried to get it for that nite but it was too hard and way too expensive. So he came home on Saturday and this time I was not looking so HOT MAMA .... ( HE HAD A DELAY AT THE CHICAGO AIRPORT SO I KNEW HE WAS TOO EXHAUSTED!)but I did look nice and we watched a MOVIE , got frisky and went to bed. Short sweet and to the point. Then Sunday was D10'S BIRTHDAY. I had a flashback and remembered last year and how he barely spoke to her on the phone etc. etc. etc. It was 26 days into his D my terrible WIFE mode....
I had already had a party in the works for my D10 at the park ( two blocks away) with all of her friends from school and he said if I did not mind he wanted to stay home. I normally try to get him to step out of his box ( OLD controlling behavior ? ) and come but I said "That is fine honey, I can handle it. We will see you in 3 hours...." SHORT AND SWEET!
I almost passed out when who do I see walking towards us ????? My Husband !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I know , I know. This is so normal for others but for my h this is close to A MIRACLE... no exaggeration. I was smiling from ear to ear. He stayed and helped me and he was so sweet! Later that day we got a lecture ( the kids and I ) was easier to take when he knocked my socks off earlier. It used to be so hard to listen to a lecture when he was not available to us emotionally. Monday we had a great day too... I feel like he is surrendering to "US" and that he is allowing himself to be more vulnerable. WE kept smooching throughout the day,, I loved it. I enjoy sex with him but I also really have a love for this type of interaction. I would walk up to him and give him a big smooch and he would give one back or squeeze my bottom!!!! NIIIIIIICCCEEE! He has come to a place ( I have also waited for @11 years for this )where we can kiss and kiss and kiss some more or have love pats here and there and it does not lead to sex and it is done genuinely. Not ok that is enough or later honey, not now I am busy. I love it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I even said this morning on the way to the AIRPORT.. I wanted to ^&&*( you this morning and you were too sleepy... I loved the snuggling though honey I sure am going to miss you. And he replied" YEAH HONEY, BUT LAST NITE WAS AWESOME!! " ...so it was ok not to %&^***."
I COULDN'T BELIEVE MY EARS. It was ok to snuggle for 25 minutes instead of ^&*((*(! WOW progress made. My efforts have paid off! I have always wanted this balance of down time and awesome sex time. Not just sex all the time and no touching in between. Sure... I do not update in a few days then I write a NOVEL! I am just so proud of the progress we continue to make. I myself am astonished really and truly. So many positives,,, and just last week I was reading my old posts to remind myself of how far I have come and I need to continue to grow as a Human Being in order to be an awesome WIFE AND LOVER. It humbles me to know how far I have come and how much I have grown.
I can almost 99.99% say I do not feel the need to walk on egg shells anymore. Or to be careful what I say or x, y or z cause a "landmine" ( MY H ) could go off at any time. I still talk in my "DB" mode,, and yet there is a new layer of comfort I can not say I even had EVER . It is beautiful to say the least far from perfect but BEAUTIFUL!!
So many positives to list... I could not have even dreamt of this ever being this good. I never would have thought last year when I was crying myself to sleep that a year later I would have the Marriage I have always dreamed of. NEVER. He even got me a Puppy... she is about 6 months old. She is still where he stays but he will bring her to me soon or I will go get her. I am so excited she is a Stafford shire Bull Terrier.
I am tearing up a lot now,, I feel just so overwhelmed with this and all the blessings that I have right now... I am very grateful and at a loss for words. You know what ? He still has the Tattoo and with all my growing and stretching,, I see it I know it is there but what he is giving me now is soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo much bigger that it seems so small and insignificant to me!!!!!!!! .... and that for me is a real Victory!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! cause it used to make me so sad and hurt and dwell on the past. So when I kept sticking my neck out and not being afraid ,, it was just what he needed. one last side note .. I am pretty much in charge of finances! another 180 for him. HUUUUUUUUGGGGGEEEEE! I dare say.. MAYBE MY H HAS A COPY OF DB... THESE CHANGES ARE FABULOUS!
Ah, it is so good to read of a M successfully db'ed! Good for you, and good for your H.
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
I am still so happy for you! It has been a while since I have posted regularly. Just dropping by to see how you are doing. From the sounds of it - pretty damn good!
Keep doing what you are doing. You are proof and hope to many that you can do it. But it doesn't come without hard work and determination. One person can make a difference. One person can fight to save a marriage. I am glad to have been there with you and appreciate the times you have been there for me.
Stay strong! Keep moving sweetheart! You give many hope! Your H also sounds like a completely different person! This says a lot about you!
Alimari, it is good to read your post. you give me hope and courage to keep on doing what I am doing. I know I will have to grow myself to be a better person, for myself, and not for h. h will benefit from it but it is for me. But of course, with that, M will be better. Thanks.
M 38, H 38, two sons Met 20 years ago Married 13 years Bomb: Oct, 2006 DB: Started in Dec, 2006 H moved out for 3 weeks in Mar, 2007 H back home and piecing?
Thank you... I get such a good feeling in my heart when someone takes time to post and give me encouragement.