well folks I can imagine that by now you can tell that in this marriage I basically have been on the verge of being a waw for many years I just didn't walk away and never really gave up "trying" to repair the r. thing is h walked away, the one who saught out companionship elswhere and left ME. I am resentful suppose I probably always will be a bit resentful the only other choice seems to be to accept that h never did love me "the way a man is supposed to love a woman" (his own damn words) and that "it" just isn't here. accept that I will have a "business like" r with h, that we will communicate about the children, learn to get along and peacfully co-exhist. what a lame a$$ r that is. I want to be loved like a woman should be loved.
I don't trust h and can't tell him. I don't feel h is happy to be with ME, he is THRILLED to be with his kids and in HIS home. going out and doing for me is great and all but where is the companinship the friendship the lover???? am I to live a lonley life with a man?? there is no way that I will know what h is "up to" as all the "nice things" that h does, he did all along. today he is taking my car to be inspected and re-registered. gee over the summer he took my car to be cleaned but then went and spent time with ow. doubt he was cleaning her car or doing her dishes or making her bed no he was sitting and talking to her and her "venting" about her sadness over her illness was not met with distance it was met with "love" and "compasion" so then what am I to do?? live my own life, empty of love, hoping that I am strong enough to ignore the advances of "friendship" from other men. right now this m is pretty safe from that as I am at home with two kids, but what happens when I get a job or go to the gym???? what happens when some other man starts to pay me the attention I so want from h. what is to keep me from accepting that "happiness" I am seeking??? or just sit and be resentful of the fact that I live in a passionless m, but accept it because I don't want to mess with the children???
I will not leave, I am tired of threatening d and haven't in some time, but I do not feel that I will be happy this way. it's unhealthy.
none of it matters! none of what h does matters! he told me so. told me he never felt "that way" about me. I always thought it and he confirmed it, now I know there is another out there that he does feel "that way" about.
