We've come a long way baby!!!!!

[runningoutoftime]

Hey, anyone every look back at old posts and marvel at the changes? I just decided to read though some of my orginal posts and it was really strange to see where I used to be and where I am now. In those original posts I was preparing for divorce, dealing with a rottweiler-like lawyer and getting familiair with the local bars (for the first time in my life!!!). And now I'm back to being "married" to my husband, a little more independent, and wiser... oddly happier and feeling much closer to my husband in some ways....

Life can be really weird....

[ourcrisis]

ROOT, I have not had the courage actually to review my postings yet. I just feel like I am not ready. It is, however, good to see your post. I think your post will be like a goal for myself. When I am "happier and feeling much closer to my husband", I will be more ready to go back and read.

Thanks for posting. It helps (me anyway)

[Delil@h]

I am soooooooooooo HAPPY for you.... I too just recently did this. I stayed up 'til 2 a.m. reading and laughing and crying at all of my thoughts. It feels so good to know how far youv'e come doesn't it! All because you never gave up and your H was willing to follow. I believe it is something to really be proud of and the lesson I learned will not be wasted. I have 5 kids and I was teaching them a lot and now when they are old enough to be Married ... I will teach them as best I can to take their Marriage very seriously and a the same time to be free to be who they really are without fear. FEAR is what got me into so much trouble. We are taught so much growing up. I was never taught all the wonderful things I learned here. SO, to have to learn this the hard way.. that I do not want for my kids.
Enjoy your newfound Happiness sweetie you deserve it!
Take care sweetie and GOD bless.....

[RGM]

Root,
I used to do that. Back in better days, when maybe I'd get a little discourage or try to remind myself of what I had been through to make sure I didn't go back to bad habits. It's amazing what you feel when you go back and look @ what your life was like through all of it. I wish I could say I was still able to do it, but I doubt that's really going. I'm glad you are able to do so and happy you've been able to obtain you goals.

PEACE

[25yearsmlc]

Dear Root,

glad to read this. Am in a place right now where I want and hope to feel as you do, pretty soon.

Amazing how the LBSers get more counselling, read more self improvement books and work more on ourselves than the damn MLCers do....weird. But like you, I have grown and like you, I never saw some important elements growing up.

I never saw my parents work through a conflict, dad screamed louder and then they'd retreat. I never saw forgiveness until he was on his death bed. I know I am doing better in that area. So are you. And I do hope our children learn only good things from this. I have some fear about that. Our s20 seems a bit cynical, but who wouldn't be?

j-

[cat03]

yeah baby!! I still can't believe it, almost every night when I feel my H next to me, or just recently out on vacation, I enjoyed things a bit more deeper, happy that we were together. Even the simple sentence from my 4yr old daughter saying, "come on mom and dad!" as we were playing mini golf at the beach just reminded me how lucky I am

[runningoutoftime]

Ourcrisis,
It doesn't happen overnight. Definitely wait a good long time before looking back. That way you get a good perspective on how much changes.

Alimari,
It's nice to see that you're continuing to learn and grow... and teaching your children some very important lessons about marriage. Many of us get through school and college with wonderful grades, and then totally "fail" in marriage. Learning to get along, have a good, healthy relationship with a spouse and be a good parent is just as important, (if not more!) than physics, or whatever one might be studying. So these are valuable lessons for our kids... you are a good mom.

RGM,
These last few years of my marriage has been a yoyo so I do know it can change. It's just nice to be at a good place for awhile after having hit rock bottom and it took so many years to get here (long before I found this site). I wish more people could make it to peacefully piecing, but I know not every marriage can and not every spouse is ready, willing or able to go there.... all I can say is protect yourself, go with the flow when possible and try to be positive wherever the road leaves. There's lots of good things in either direction.

25yearsmic,
Wow, you make being a LBS sound much better!!! I like the idea of more self-introspection and growth.... Although I do have to say, losing me and the kids really changed my husband. He's a different guy and this is something that really needed to happen. We've reconciled in the past, but usually it was to just "give it a try," see if things could change, I could change, he could be happy, etc... There were always conditions... And I often felt like some robot walking on pins and needles trying to make him happy. Nothing I did ever seemed good enough. Eventually we'd end up back in the same place. But now, it seems much different. We're both more relaxed and accepting of each other. I don't know if this will last forever, we still argue sometimes, but there's more give between both of us... acceptance of faults and appreciation of what's good.... For the first time in my marriage I actually feel like my husband loves and accepts me as I am. That he's not expecting perfection. That's major!!!!

Just like you I also hope my children learn positive things. I didn't have a dad, so I really didn't know how to act in a marriage, and my inlaws... well.... my father-in-law had affairs and eventually left his marriage for an affair so that wasn't the best role model either!!!!

Cat,
It's sooo nice to hear that you are doing well too. I'm sure your husband feels very lucky too...

[Heartbroken]

ROOT,

Could you please look at my thread - H and I have gone up and down so far so fast. H is been in apt for 3 mos. canceled lease to come back at end of May only to wig out on me two weeks ago. Needless to say he kept the lease until Aug - but now wants to just D. I fear he is in such a black hole that he cannot find his way out. His best friend asked him to at least try one MC session and yesterday H says he needs to slow the D train down a bit. I am at my wits end and think your sitch was close to this. I cannot find your original thread but I find bits and pieces. Please send me a link if possible. My whole sitch can be found beneath my signature. Except for the last few weeks or so that is still in piecing just under:

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1061299&page=1#Post1061299

I truly appreciate any/all advice, 2X4 swings and any other insights you could provide. I feel I am running out of time as well.... Thanks again!

HB

[runningoutoftime]

Hi Heartbroken,

I'll try and take a look right now since I have a small amount of time. I don't have too many long threads just lots of short ones. One of the problems I struggled with was distancing. I had a difficult time figuring how and when to "go dark" and distance physically and when I should reach out. I knew I wanted my husband to learn what it was like without me, but I also needed to create current "good memories" (since he had "erased" them with negative ones) and his detaching and creating a life without me was frightening to me. I felt a great deal of conflict about this.

[Heartbroken]

That is exactly what is he is going - he says he has not had an identity for 16 and when I told him how I felt about this statement he did admit that maybe his perspectives on our history are skewed slightly.

Not sure if OW is even back in the picture - at this point what is the diff. Can't trust either H or her - why do I still want him so bad?

Thanks for any help!