Thanks for checking in on me. I want to clear somethings up as there may be a little misunderstanding (I did ramble quite a bit on the last post.... :))
I didn't call her any names to her face. The only thing I said over the phone was that she was sick and I hope she gets some help. Did I yell at her over the phone - Yes. She was yelling at me. It doesn't make it right, but what are you going to do when you are at work 30-45 min away and someone calls and says "I am going to load my van up and take what ever I want"? How would you respond? I couldn't leave work for 15 minutes until after she said she was doing this. Ask yourself - would you be angry? Would you feel like yelling? Like I said - doesn't make it right, but I hope you understand.
Also, I didn't call 911 with an emergency and complain to the cops. All I did was tell her to bring my things back to house now. When she refused, I told her that I may have to call the police. I - very calmly, contacted the local sheriff's department. I spoke to the sheriff very calmly, I explained the situation, I even explained to him that I had no interest in filing a complaint or reporting stolen items. I simply asked them from a position of being the owner of a home what I should do. The sheriff was kind enough to inform me of what the laws say and gave some advice. It was not calling the cops - it was finding out what the laws and rights are for the property owner. XW doesn't know that I called the sheriff nor did I tell her that "I called the police on you..."
Finally, none of the nastiness went down in front of the children. I firmly told her to bring me my house key and garage door opener when the two younger children were at the house. The rest were still at school. The little ones were playing with their scooters and didn't hear it anyway. I have not brought any of this in front of my children nor do I have plans to.
In fact, tonight was XW time with the children - her one day a week. When the children came back, I asked them if mom talked to them about anything. XW was really concerned about what "we should tell the children" since I changed the locks. When angry - I told her over the phone to tell them whatever she wants - she always does. So I had no idea what she would say.
Well she just told them the schedule was going to change a little. She didn't go any farther than that. Since D11 and D10 knew I had changed the locks, I simply told the older ones the following (almost exactly):
"You know, we are always teaching you guys about the natural consequences of your choices. When you make good choices - generally there are good consequences and when you make bad choices, there are usually not-so good consequences that happen. I don't want to talk about the situation, because I have taught you both that if you don't have anything good to say, then don't say anything at all. I don't have anything good to say about what happened today. But I will say that you mom has made some choices. Because she made those choices, there are consequences - good bad or otherwise - there are consequences and one of these consequences was that I changed the locks. This was going to happen anyway when school ended on June 11 so it really isn't a big change from our plans. It just happened a little sooner than I planned. This change will only affect the morning time a little - and mainly for the younger children. But as I said, we are two weeks away from this change anyway, so it is not a big deal."
Then I asked them "Do I have a key to Mom's apartment?" They both said "Well no." Then I asked, "Do I spend time with you at mom's apartment or go in mom's apartment?" They both said "No". "So then it makes sense that mom wouldn't have a key to my house nor spend time with you at my house right?" They both agreed and I could see they had understanding of the situation.
I think I did a nice job of explaining what I did without getting into the details of why and they understood. I don't think I did anything to make them think less of their mom. I simply tied it in to what I try to teach them - if you make choices there are consequences. Their Mom's choice resulted in the consequence of the locks being changed. I hope this provides a bit more understanding.
Now I would like to address a couple of other comments.
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Santhony. YOu are angry. There are lots of very real reasons for being angry and no one blames you--some are big reasons, some small. But there is nothing, especially not a $100 grill that is worth making the relationship with the mother of your children so contentious.
Althea - I appreciate all of your comments. I really do. And I agree with you. But this goes beyond a $100 grill. This marked the 3rd time that she has removed items from my home without my permission after the D was final. She is not allowed to remove a single item with me being present - she knows this. Furthermore, I have asked her to stay out of my bedroom up stairs - that this is my own personal space. One of these items she removed came from the very room I asked her not to go in and after the D was final. I don't want to go into any details, but XW is walking around my house like a store looking for things to remove. It is not about a grill - it is about the stress of trying to figure out what else has been taken from my home without my knowledge.
I continually try to be the bigger person in all of this. And I am the bigger person. Despite all of this garbage I have been put through - I do not talk bad about their mom. Haven't done it yet, have no plans to. The only thing I have said when they have complained about the D is that "Mom has made these choices. You don't have to like them, but she has made them. I am simply making the best out of a bad situation." Do you know that my XW has yelled up to D10 before school and said "Come on D10, Dad won't let me make you any food for breakfast, so I have to take you out" after I commented to her that I pay for everybit of food the children eat throughout the day - even when XW is supposed to be parenting them. She even told D10 once when we were going through the property argument, that "Daddy just wants to fight with Mommy over a blender!" 2 times within the last month alone XW has attempted to trash me in front of my children - and I stand there and take it. I don't trash her. I don't drag her name through the mud. Yet she does it to me. I am teaching my children by example and my children would be the first to tell anyone that. I had the baby sitter (who is more like a grandma to the children) tell me just within the last week, what a tremendous job I have done teaching them about respect, and keeping their spaces cleaned, and being kind. She said that she was so touched that D10 came up to her when she left, gave her a hug, and said "Thank You" to her. She said that touched her and I should be proud of what I have done with them. You know what - I am proud.
So you see Althea - I am not taking her bait. I would be lying if I said it doesn't get to me from time to time. But I will not take her bait. But at some point, you have to stop doing what doesn't work. I have repeated treated her with respect only to have her twisted relationship thrust into my and my children's faces. I found out from my neighbor, that XBIL car has been outside of my house in the afternoon FOR YEARS! NOT MONTHS - FOR YEARS this guys car has been outside my house.
So yes - "stuff" is nothing. It can be replaced. I tell them whenever they talk about their mom or complain she is never around that "Mommy loves you so much". I so want to take a shot at her when they complain - but I don't. I bite my tongue. I tell them how much their mom loves them despite all of the time she takes off work to spend with XBIL.
Quote:
Why not diffuse the situation by offering her iced tea or doing something kind. She would probably soften right off the bat.
You know what - I have done this. Even after the D was final, I wanted to make it easier the children and her to ease into the transition. I open my home up to her and let her spend all of the time with the children there. I give I give I give I give. All she does is take, take, take. As I said earlier, not once has she offered to chip in for groceries - for the last 14 months! Then she decides that she is entitled to 1/2 of the beef stored in the deep freeze. What? So she and XBIL can enjoy some nice steaks on the grill? She doesn't have the children enough to need this. At what point do you become the fool for just taking it over and over and over again? You know what, I feel like one sometimes for how nice I was to her through this whole ordeal.
I have no reason to be a huge jerk now, but at some point, a person has to stand up for themselves and say enough is enough. But you shouldn't do what doesn't work. Being nice to her all of the time, just wasn't working. While I have no plans to be a jerk, I am simply not going to take her garbage lying down anymore. It may not be a popular opinion, but I grow tired of this nonsense.
Thanks again for the feedback and support. I do appreciate all of it. Now I am rambling again, so I will retire....
