Well I have been slacking on updating... I have tried to a few times and I would have to do something and I would just close the window. And I do not like it cause I need to keep myself organized ..

I must say I am really proud of myself b/c I am actually getting alot stronger and my personality is really coming out now more. I am no longer "hiding" behind myself. It feels so liberating to be myself. To love myself with all my flaws and to allow myself to love after all the hurt I have been thru. and wow that last one is way easier said than done.
Where to begin... so many blessings in my heart right now that today I just burst into tears of happiness... ~ wow~ it sure has been a year to remember and to forgive and forget.

To explain all the changes my H is making is just ~ WOW where to begin and then I just follow suit and it is making me incredibly happy and I cannot even believe my eyes or my heart...
All the changes he is making for me the have one thread in common and it is something I was always searching for from him but he would never ever really give me RESPECT .. and boy when he hands me this on a platter... I am putty in his hands.
He is changing and yet the same but he is really growing up a lot towards me and when he makes a mistake I call him on it.

....not that day but later when it seems ok to fit it in the convo and he is alot more receptive lately to hear it. I am truly amazed.
I was just recently so upset cause I thought he was going back to old ways.. it seems he tests me and when I pass ( by not resorting to old behaviors) ~ he then grows.
I could get used to this ....
He called me out of the blue just Friday and said " Get me a plane ticket I am coming home." Real matter of fact like.
I went on the INTERNET and within minutes I knew he was coming home. I tried to get it for that nite but it was too hard and way too expensive. So he came home on Saturday and this time I was not looking so HOT MAMA .... ( HE HAD A DELAY AT THE CHICAGO AIRPORT SO I KNEW HE WAS TOO EXHAUSTED!)but I did look nice and we watched a MOVIE , got frisky and went to bed. Short sweet and to the point.
Then Sunday was D10'S BIRTHDAY. I had a flashback and remembered last year and how he barely spoke to her on the phone etc. etc. etc. It was 26 days into his D my terrible WIFE mode....

I had already had a party in the works for my D10 at the park ( two blocks away) with all of her friends from school and he said if I did not mind he wanted to stay home. I normally try to get him to step out of his box ( OLD controlling behavior ? ) and come but I said "That is fine honey, I can handle it. We will see you in 3 hours...."
SHORT AND SWEET!

I almost passed out when who do I see walking towards us ?????

My Husband !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I know , I know. This is so normal for others but for my h this is close to A MIRACLE... no exaggeration. I was smiling from ear to ear. He stayed and helped me and he was so sweet!
Later that day we got a lecture ( the kids and I ) was easier to take when he knocked my socks off earlier. It used to be so hard to listen to a lecture when he was not available to us emotionally.
Monday we had a great day too... I feel like he is surrendering to "US" and that he is allowing himself to be more vulnerable.
WE kept smooching throughout the day,, I loved it. I enjoy sex with him but I also really have a love for this type of interaction. I would walk up to him and give him a big smooch and he would give one back or squeeze my bottom!!!! ;\) NIIIIIIICCCEEE!
He has come to a place ( I have also waited for @11 years for this )where we can kiss and kiss and kiss some more or have love pats here and there and it does not lead to sex and it is done genuinely.
Not ok that is enough or later honey, not now I am busy. I love it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I even said this morning on the way to the AIRPORT.. I wanted to ^&&*( you this morning and you were too sleepy... I loved the snuggling though honey I sure am going to miss you. And he replied" YEAH HONEY, BUT LAST NITE WAS AWESOME!! " ...so it was ok not to %&^***."

I COULDN'T BELIEVE MY EARS. It was ok to snuggle for 25 minutes instead of ^&*((*(! WOW progress made. My efforts have paid off! I have always wanted this balance of down time and awesome sex time. Not just sex all the time and no touching in between.
Sure...
I do not update in a few days then I write a NOVEL! I am just so proud of the progress we continue to make. I myself am astonished really and truly. So many positives,,, and just last week I was reading my old posts to remind myself of how far I have come and I need to continue to grow as a Human Being in order to be an awesome WIFE AND LOVER. It humbles me to know how far I have come and how much I have grown.

I can almost 99.99% say I do not feel the need to walk on egg shells anymore. Or to be careful what I say or x, y or z cause a "landmine" ( MY H ) could go off at any time. I still talk in my "DB" mode,, and yet there is a new layer of comfort I can not say I even had EVER . It is beautiful to say the least far from perfect but BEAUTIFUL!!


So many positives to list...
I could not have even dreamt of this ever being this good.
I never would have thought last year when I was crying myself to sleep that a year later I would have the Marriage I have always dreamed of. NEVER.
He even got me a Puppy... she is about 6 months old. She is still where he stays but he will bring her to me soon or I will go get her. I am so excited she is a Stafford shire Bull Terrier.

I am tearing up a lot now,, I feel just so overwhelmed with this and all the blessings that I have right now... I am very grateful and at a loss for words.
You know what ?
He still has the Tattoo and with all my growing and stretching,, I see it I know it is there but what he is giving me now is soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo much bigger that it seems so small and insignificant to me!!!!!!!!
.... and that for me is a real Victory!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
cause it used to make me so sad and hurt and dwell on the past. So when I kept sticking my neck out and not being afraid ,, it was just what he needed.
one last side note .. I am pretty much in charge of finances! another 180 for him. HUUUUUUUUGGGGGEEEEE!
I dare say.. MAYBE MY H HAS A COPY OF DB... THESE CHANGES ARE FABULOUS!

GOD bless....