Have you tried asking for what you want? Your husband sounds like an emotional "bull in a china shop". Have you sat him down and said "I've got something to tell you about myself". And then gone on to explicitly explain what you need from him in order to feel loved? Be blunt, use point form. Keep your statements ME oriented "I need hugs", etc.
Don't use examples from the past but paraphrase them. Make sure he understands that he is hurting you. Sounds like your H has blunted empathy. Just simply lay it on the line without sugar coating it but without blaming and finger pointing.
I don't know, I just get this feeling that you are now a WAW who simply hasn't walked yet. Following your posts has helped me tremdously to understand what it was that my wife struggled with for so many years. So, just say the word and I'll come down and smack the H around with a frozen salmon fillet (we grow big salmon up here ).
Seriously, I don't know if I would have made my changes if my W had simply asked. Somehow I get the impression that men operate best under crisis conditions. The loss of the one we have pledged ourselves to seems to have put the men on this board into crisis mode, they are at their best as men (I feel they are anyway). Maybe you need to think about a way to get your H into crisis mode without having to walk away. You are a good person and shouldn't have to be the one to DB and then carry the guilt of walking, not fair.
Be strong, men can change ... just look at the guys on the board here!
Wishing I could offer more....
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