Afterall..... This IS my life V

[heatherg]

As for a pep talk, I think you have come a long long way in understanding that you need to guard your own emotional energy, keep it for yourself, and let H burn his own emotional fuel in his own chaotic way without you internalizing his BS, which is what it is, BS. All sturm und drang, fluster and wind.

I have worked really hard at controlling my reactivity. I still struggle with it, but I've learned a great deal about letting him stay in the pit by himself.....I feel a big difference in my integrity when I do this.

It is such a difficult line to walk...on so many levels, I believe that what H is doing is BS. But, on the other hand, if I am ever to truly reconcile with H, I have to do my best to see where he's coming from. It is hard to validate someone whom you think is full of BS, kwim?

Detach from the outcome. Detach from listening to your reactionary "blurting out" inner dialogue every time H pushes your buttons.

I can never hear this type of advice too often....hearing it stated from different perspectives and in different ways helps it all to sink in. Detach from the outcome....that is exactly what I need to do. I've been focused on saving the marriage, but I think it's time to let go of hope for any one specific outcome and just be me.

There are two ways I see you failing most dramatically:

1. You get angry, your brain editor goes down, and you blurt out a variation of, "That's it. It's over. I'm done. This time it's for good. Perhaps some personal low blows are hurled in his direction via hurtful words where you know his emotional weak spots are. It's now a pretty entrenched pattern with years involved.

2. You actually take off for any period of time and H circles the kids like wagons around him and shuts down into complete and total shut down. Ie, the silent treatment, sneers, thumbing his nose at your opinion of his porn, ignoring you, and devolving into full martyr mode. Getting him back into even neutral mode can sometimes take weeks.

Either way, both responses are total failures of his BS tests since you lose hold of yourself and your emotional energy and you fall into his pit with him.

You're exactly right, particularly with number one. With number two, I never really take off, just one time, and I told him where I was going and that I would be back in the morning. But other than that, I've never really taken off.

But you're right on with letting my reactionary self declare 'it's over' without thinking things through. That's why I've got to give this until early next year without uttering another word about leaving. If I can do what I said I would do, hopefully it will build the trust a little.

I can't forget H's email to you. He was being very vulnerable and scared in his own right. And definitely love there.

Really? I read it in hindsight and see only blame and a desire for me to mother his children along side him. What do you see that equates to love, love for me?

It seems to me he really has no other concrete examples in his life of his proudest accomplishments from what you've previously posted. At least nothing really beyond your M and his pride in overcoming both or your F'd up FOOs and actually reaching the outward appearance, anyway, of the all-American family pursuing its own version of its all-American dream.

This seems awfully important to him IMO. Important enough that if he should lose it he has nothing positive left to show for his life

Agreed.

Seems to me this will come in the form of one big MFing Heather boundary. Delivered either via major vulnerability from you or unblinking calm gravitas. I'll try to address this perhaps in another post.

I would appreciate any ideas you have. I'm struggling right now because I'm here physically, but that is all. I was so hurt by his position on the porn and the fact that he lied to me about it and my pride was damaged pretty bad with this whole bed incident. As indicated by the email I posted from him the very next day, all was well again in his world after I gave him the bed back. It was like he never said a word about us being over. My sister pointed out to me that he does the same thing he faults me for-when I push his boundaries he threatens 'it's over, we're done'. He doesn't threaten to physically leave, but he threatens to emotionally abandon me. He has threatened on four occasions that I can think of right off the top of my head and I know I've heard the words out of his mouth more than that. I hadn't thought about it until she pointed it out and she's absolutely right. I think it's a protective human reaction...when someone purposely crosses your boundaries, it's normal to react to that and want to get away from them. He's really demonstrated no more commitment than I, which is the main reason my pride is hurt so badly about giving back the bed. If the bed is about commitment, then he should be sleeping elsewhere too. But he seems to feel so frickin entitled to that bed, as though he's been the glue holding this M together.

So I haven't been responsive at all to him. And slowly he's tapered off on trying and he's retreated back to his shell and this is how we'll live for the next god awful year. The night after I gave him his bed back, he bought bubble bath for me so I could take a bath in our new master bathroom....it was finished earlier that day and he said something about wanting me to take the first bath in our new tub. Like I want to step foot in that bathroom after he made it clear that I am not allowed in the bed. I completely ignored the gesture as I do not plan to take a bath in that tub anytime soon. At night, he comes over to where I am sleeping to tousle my hair. I pull away. Friday night he came out and slept on the couch next to me. Again, I ignored the gesture, although I thought it would be great if he continued to do that....if he acknowledged that he didn't belong in the bed either, I think we could make it past this last bed incident. But, it didn't last. He still tousled my hair last night and I still pulled away, but he will stop with that soon. And then we'll just be two people living in the same house. We are speaking amicably, we went out of town this past weekend for a graduation party for someone on his side of the family. That was fine.
Part of me feels guilty for not returning his gestures. But did I not say that those niceties aren't going to be enough anymore? You can't tell your wife to get out of the marital bed or the M is over and then buy her fcking bubble bath and tousle her hair goodnight to make up for it. This situation has to be ADDRESSED, not sidestepped like we always do.
But again, I feel like I've said my piece. I feel like my responsibility right now is to be present like I said I would. I'm contemplating not saying another R oriented thing for the rest of the time, not one thing. I know when the time is up, he'll use it against me that I wasn't 'trying' during this time. But I just don't see where we can move foward until the porn thing and the lies are addressed and he is the only one that can do that. All I can do is wait. He blamed me for his lie, he said I asked him at a bad time in front of the kids and he pretty much had to lie or I would have flipped out in front of them. I can't recall the circumstances of when I asked him, but I know he was on the couch and I was on the floor kneeling next to him, the kids were absolutely NOT around, they must have been down for a nap or something, I can't recall. I couldn't believe it that he was justifying his lie and I think he truly believes all his own crap. That is not the first time he's lied to me, it's the third that I am aware of. He has not owned up to any of them.

I think that he completely believes what he tells you regarding commitment and the like. That does not mean his POV is true, but I think he truly believes what he sees.

I really do too.

How about having it hauled away one day while H is at work and buying two twin beds and putting them in the room.

I believe that it would be escalation on my behalf. This problem is not mine to solve....every time I try to control the outcome of the bed, I come out worse than when I started. This is H's issue and it seems there is nothing I can do about it except accept it or leave.

Do your best to not return hurt for hurt.

Thanks for this.

Your game of lurking or keylogging, just so you can make Heather dance and sneer and foil her attempts to regain your trust, love and save her family, is deplorable and pathetic.

It gave me chills to read this. It never occurred to me he would read my posts here.

escalation will only make things worse.

I agree. If there's anything I've learned, it's this.

When you let yourself be vulnerable and expressed your hurt, you did not attack, so his defenses were not up, and the extreme hurt you expressed was able to register on him. You detachment, strong boundary statement may have told him you have reach the end of the line. I think this is what he has been looking for all along, even though that may be sick, controlling, unhealthy, whatever. He finally saw you give up the fight. I think he “got it” and felt guilty. Apology is NOT something you will get from a narcissist, so instead he offered that comment on you looking “hot.”

Too bad it's not all about him. Because I'm simply not willing to accept any gestures from him until the real issues are addressed. I'm desperate for his love, but desperate enough to accept empty gestures only to end up back to square one yet AGAIN because I've allowed things to move forward without addressing the problems, many of which are his.

And again, that’s just my GD POV.

Couldn't figure out why you said that at first, lol.

Your H has some deep pychological issues that HE needs to decide he wants to work on and there is no way for you to "make" him do that work.

I know. I know what I need from him and I keep wanting to control him into giving me what I need because I can't bear for the M to be over. It's time to be a big girl and let him arrive at his own conclusions.

Regardless of what you decide and what direction you go next, please try to stay the middle ground. Do not give in but do not attack. MUCH easier said than done but it is the RIGHT way to handle him and the right way for you to keep your dignity and self respect.

AMEN!! Thanks Fearless.