h asked me last night so what were you so upset about last night (in re to him sleeping with son) I replied that I didn't care for waking alone especially after going to sleep alone, h let me know that he had been tossing and turnig and was upset about the summer and the time he had missed with son, had good day with him (he took him to the mall to get my present and then to lunch, not a common thing) and wanted to be near him.
we ended up in a big bad r talk last night that lasted into the wee hours. thing is h still doesn't talk and hasn't yet learned the simple way to put an end to such evenings (duh!, hug your sad insecure w and tell her you do love her and then you can both go to sleep)
so basically here is where our troubles lay...for many many years I have not felt loved by h, like I really don't matter, like I could be anyone, I am not special to h, I just happen to meet certain qualifications ( I used to dub myself his "package girl" I just fit the bill is all but could easily be replaced) my feeling this way and letting h know (mind you this all started long before we were h and w) were never met with reasurance other than an arrogant tone "i do love you" or "that's just you" leading me to feel angry and resentful. I come last!!
h (who does love me?) see's it as no matter what he does or says I am just not happy and yet for some reason chooses mostly to say and do nothing.
I have many many many times over the years let h know what it is I want but because it is not what comes naturally to h, he will not do it and therefore I continue to feel resentment toward him (or rather myself for staying so long)
there are simple things that I want, I don't really think I am asking for much and I know that h is capable, he was doing these things when I met him, when he first came back after the sep and I see him act this way with son and dd every day so why not me??? (cause he doesn't really love me)
perfect example here...
this am...h leaving calls son over, kneels down and gives him a big hug, talks about the fact that they are going to go skiing next week (news to me) a big hug, a kiss and nosies (rubing noses together, I started that one)
h then comes over to me (who is standing there like a fool) says ok I'll call you later and let you know what's up. I don't know what time I'll be home. and a small little peck is what I get.
where is my hug??? where are the plans to do something with me that I didn't have to plan myself (I know son didn't say, hey daddy why don't we go skiing one day next week?)
you know what?? I knew it would be this way when I married him, so I guess I am the fool for not listening to myself.
I never thought h truly loved me. I never felt I was really h's friend. I never felt h really wanted to be with me. I never felt like we had a good r (well not for many long years)
h knew I felt this way... did nothing about it...til
he validated all that I felt by having and affair leaving me telling me he never did love me asking for a d refusing to go to c refusing to talk about our r refusing to tell me what it is he wants refusing to "listen" to me and give me the damn hugs that I so desperately want from him.
h knows very well what happens to women in my position...his ow "friend" or whatever the hell she was. had a h who worked hard so she could live in a nice house, took care of the kids, took her and the kids out places, but she didn't get a hug when she needed one (when she found out she was sick) and didn't feel loved by him. so when another man (my h) payed her some attn. gave her that hug when she was down... she decides to leave her h, despite the fact that it's making her sick (mentally and physically, at least it was when I last spoke to her). I do not want to end up like this woman, but I fear that I will. H doesn't want to do for me anything that doesn't just come naturally.
it's little things but they just keep piling up and piling up and now I am a 30 year old woman who feels like a bitter old lady.
Quoting lostlove: ... I think that when he finally saw that I was no longer asking him to and frankly was doing just fine without him he realized that door was closing...
Exactly my point. When you no longer are trying to pick up the pieces, stopped showing your interest in working on M by asking/talking to him about it, and started doing more of your own thing, then he responded, and he started to pick up some pieces himself. If he truely felt that he would be better off without you, he wouldn't have come back home. He wants to be with you, but maybe now that he feels he is accepted back home, he no longer needs to pick up anymore pieces or when he does, you let him know when and how much, so he doesn't feel the need to be as attentive as he should be. If you stop telling him and let the pieces lay around by focusing more on yourself, he may realize he should pick them up on his own rather than tripping on them.
Quote: If you stop telling him and let the pieces lay around by focusing more on yourself, he may realize he should pick them up on his own rather than tripping on them.
or I may continue to feel resentful for the fact that he doesn't pick up the peices, because he doesn't, this is not a new thing nor is dr my first introduction to phsycology. I have tried the I'll just do my thing bit and you know what... h is more than happy to let me do my thing and never spend time with me.
Yes that too is very possible. I not trying to blow any smoke, but by seeing there can be a positive outcome to all this helps us keep hope and continue strive to reach for what we want. Granted, your H is a tough nut to crack. Unforunately, he in some ways reminds me of Andy's W, but I also believe that anyone has the ability to change their POV and what they do about any part of their lives and that is the main source of my PMA. Did he pay this much attention to his son before he left?
Quoting lostlove: h (who does love me?) see's it as no matter what he does or says I am just not happy and yet for some reason chooses mostly to say and do nothing.
This appears key to what drives a wedge between the two of you. Your H feels he is in a no-win sitch here so why bother trying. I know it seems he doesn't do enough now, but if you consistantly let him know when he gets it right, then he can believe what he does can make you happy and it will encourage him to try it some more. This preception needs to be broken so he has a reason to change. This can be a very big hinderance for him. "Why bother trying to make improvements if it doesn't change anything in the end?"
I'm so sorry that you have to experience the frustrations of the slow path your H is taken to come back, but with encouragement, I believe your H can slowly transform into a more affectionate H.
Catch him doing it right and let him know it makes you happy no matter how little it may seem.
I am sorry about your frustrations in the R. Looks like the road to reconciliation is not as straightforward as we have all been hoped for. Problems always exist, no matter at what stage of DB you are in.
I don't have much to offer at this time, but I do like KAW's recommendation to look for positive thing your H does and give him positive reinforcement. I know in a loving and tender R, you are not supposed to be measuring each details of your interactions against your standard. But be aware that you are still DB-ing with the H that stays home, that you love. You would rather to improve the R rather than wait for your H to wake up (though, if he needs some smacking of 2x4, let any of us on the BB know and we would be more than happy to), or face the reality either one of you would just walk away in the future. That would be a trageic conclusion of your effort to this day.
I guess my point was to ask you hand in there. Someone just posted to me this encouragement: M does not make you happy, you have to make a happy M. It is up to you what you want to do with your M, despite your H is "cooperative". I am sure you can pull off a happy and fulfilling M. You just have to have faith and keep trying.
I'm sorry, LL. Sounds like we both had big R talks yesterday. I feel much of the same way you do about my R with my W...and how I felt many years ago, when we M, etc. I have always been the one to show more love and be more attentive to her needs than she to me. Is this a byproduct of them not feeling the same way about us, or is it that they simply show they care differently? I don't know, but I've thought many times about it.
You know, I did notice one other thing in your post: Your H was the one that asked YOU about why YOU were so upset last night. Should this not be recognized? For one so uncommunicative, it sounds like he tried...
Quote: I know it seems he doesn't do enough now, but if you consistantly let him know when he gets it right, then he can believe what he does can make you happy and it will encourage him to try it some more
I thank him all the time, I point out good things when they happen, doesn't seem to keep them comming. oh well.
Quote: Your H was the one that asked YOU about why YOU were so upset last night. Should this not be recognized?
well actually at the end of the day he said " can I ask you something" "what the hell were you so pissed about last night?"
ya, ok I suppose he should get some credit for speaking up! but did I not say to him exactly how I felt THEN? and really is that any way to approach a subject??? gee maybe I should talk to him that way. "why the hell did you have an a?" "why the hell do you watch football so damn much?" "why the hell aren't you home" "what the hell do you do all day?" "why the hell don't you want to hug me?" "why the hell don't you want to spend time with me?" "why the hell don't you want to talk to me" "why the hell are you even here????"
h does not get it, I do not get it.
I am in a no win sit. h is in a no win sit.
we can somehow learn to peacfully co-exist, but as far as a loving r... doesn't seem likely.
Quoting lostlove: </font><blockquote><font class="small">Quote:</font><hr /> I know it seems he doesn't do enough now, but if you consistantly let him know when he gets it right, then he can believe what he does can make you happy and it will encourage him to try it some more
I thank him all the time, I point out good things when they happen, doesn't seem to keep them comming. oh well.
Do you also show him how those good things make you happy? Make a big deal about kissing him on the cheek? Get girrlly giddy afterwards?
True or not, somehow the pattern that drives his perception that you are never happy no matter what he does needs to be broken. It may take you having to over-emphasize it at first to break the mold.
oh well.