I know I am not putting a lot on my XH to have him earn anything from me. I guess I just am trying to figure out how to get him to rise to the challenge without putting expectations. I know if I put expectations on him it will all back fire on me. He has always claimed what he wants most in life is his freedom, so if I start to infringe on that he will run wildly in the other direction.
Plus he has recently put himself back up on a dating website. He had been off of all dating websites since Jan. He has never really had much success. Though there are always a few people who respond to him, while I have never heard him speak highly of any of them, and none of them have stayed around more than a couple of dates, either his choice or theirs. So maybe I just need to let him be. Maybe I need to let him look out there again for the summer. (He doesn't know I know he is on the dating site. While I am not actively dating I do log on from time to time to see if there is anything that sparks my interest. I don't have my profile visible. But I can look at his.) I do know that he has had one person express interest in him and 2 who responded to his wink.
And I think I have really taken a look at our marriage and I see how I contributed to its faults. I see where I need to change the way I react to things and the way I deal with certain situations. I knew in the "heat" of it all that is what I needed, was a little distance. I mentioned to him that maybe I should spend some time (part of the summer-I am a teacher) at my parents’ house. So we both could have some space. But of course he said if we needed to do that then we just needed to get a divorce. So I stuck in out trying to figure out what I needed to change.
My last ditch effort was a counselor. That decision might have been the one that sealed my fate, that my marriage was not going to last. I did not get a Dr. Phil who told it like it was. I got a lady who didn’t want to upset my husband or bring up things that would make his anxiety any worse, even better a lady who could only see us once a month AND when we were in crisis the FIRST thing she said to us was, “well the marriage started our rough maybe it is time to end it.” Nice huh?
Well I have had that time and distance. I know some things that I need to change. And while I would LOVE to know exactly why he left, I acknowledge that I may never know. I can only hope that one day SOON he will be back.
I don’t know if any of this made ANY sense I just needed a sounding board. I am just at that stuck point of listening to my heart, or listening to that little annoying voice in the back of my head. And maybe he is too. Maybe he is hoping something will happen that will swing him one way or the other. (I just spent the past 7 hours with him. It was WONDERFUL.) That is the hard thing I look into his eyes and I see the love he has for me. Maybe I am just seeing what I want.
I just hate this limbo stage. Any advice would be wonderful! Thanks! R2
