h asked me last night so what were you so upset about last night (in re to him sleeping with son) I replied that I didn't care for waking alone especially after going to sleep alone, h let me know that he had been tossing and turnig and was upset about the summer and the time he had missed with son, had good day with him (he took him to the mall to get my present and then to lunch, not a common thing) and wanted to be near him.
we ended up in a big bad r talk last night that lasted into the wee hours. thing is h still doesn't talk and hasn't yet learned the simple way to put an end to such evenings (duh!, hug your sad insecure w and tell her you do love her and then you can both go to sleep)
so basically here is where our troubles lay...for many many years I have not felt loved by h, like I really don't matter, like I could be anyone, I am not special to h, I just happen to meet certain qualifications ( I used to dub myself his "package girl" I just fit the bill is all but could easily be replaced) my feeling this way and letting h know (mind you this all started long before we were h and w) were never met with reasurance other than an arrogant tone "i do love you" or "that's just you" leading me to feel angry and resentful. I come last!!
h (who does love me?) see's it as no matter what he does or says I am just not happy and yet for some reason chooses mostly to say and do nothing.
I have many many many times over the years let h know what it is I want but because it is not what comes naturally to h, he will not do it and therefore I continue to feel resentment toward him (or rather myself for staying so long)
there are simple things that I want, I don't really think I am asking for much and I know that h is capable, he was doing these things when I met him, when he first came back after the sep and I see him act this way with son and dd every day so why not me??? (cause he doesn't really love me)
perfect example here...
this am...h leaving calls son over, kneels down and gives him a big hug, talks about the fact that they are going to go skiing next week (news to me) a big hug, a kiss and nosies (rubing noses together, I started that one)
h then comes over to me (who is standing there like a fool) says ok I'll call you later and let you know what's up. I don't know what time I'll be home. and a small little peck is what I get.
where is my hug??? where are the plans to do something with me that I didn't have to plan myself (I know son didn't say, hey daddy why don't we go skiing one day next week?)
you know what?? I knew it would be this way when I married him, so I guess I am the fool for not listening to myself.
I never thought h truly loved me. I never felt I was really h's friend. I never felt h really wanted to be with me. I never felt like we had a good r (well not for many long years)
h knew I felt this way... did nothing about it...til
he validated all that I felt by having and affair leaving me telling me he never did love me asking for a d refusing to go to c refusing to talk about our r refusing to tell me what it is he wants refusing to "listen" to me and give me the damn hugs that I so desperately want from him.
h knows very well what happens to women in my position...his ow "friend" or whatever the hell she was. had a h who worked hard so she could live in a nice house, took care of the kids, took her and the kids out places, but she didn't get a hug when she needed one (when she found out she was sick) and didn't feel loved by him. so when another man (my h) payed her some attn. gave her that hug when she was down... she decides to leave her h, despite the fact that it's making her sick (mentally and physically, at least it was when I last spoke to her). I do not want to end up like this woman, but I fear that I will. H doesn't want to do for me anything that doesn't just come naturally.
it's little things but they just keep piling up and piling up and now I am a 30 year old woman who feels like a bitter old lady.
