Yes, it certainly does bother me very much that he is going back and forth between us. And, yes, I am ashamed to admit it, but I have been snooping, and that is how I know he has been there... On the nights he hasn't come home, I have had an absolutely HORRIBLE time trying to get any rest, and even though it hurts me so much when I confirm that he is there, it still helps because I at least KNOW what is going on instead of assuming. I just feel like I need to understand what I am dealing with. I always pray when I go there that he is staying at the office... When he isn't, yes, it hurts. But it still helps me to at least know FOR SURE what is going on. I feel better knowing that, even though it hurts. A month ago when he was coming home rarely, I wasn't snooping much. I just usually assumed that he was staying with OW and just dealt with it. But now that he is staying with me more and I'm finding myself getting closer to him, I just really want to know what is going on so that I can make decisions based on that. I don't know if that makes sense or not...
Yes, I am afraid, and that is so hard because even if I don't say anything to him about it, I don't want him to "sense" it. That was another thing that DB coach said was to be careful about my feelings because he can sense my feelings.
At this point, I'm not ready to talk about the R quite yet and/or to give him any ultimatums. Yes, I do know that that has to come at some point. But now it's only been going into the fourth week since he started staying with me more frequently, so I just am afraid to rock the boat too quickly and scare him back away. I want to see how our business trip goes and whether he comes home tonight and also whether he has stayed at home for the two nights that he is home before I come home. I fear that he will not, that he will stay with her, and obviously with me being gone I will have no way to confirm that "for sure," but I can tell whether he has slept at home in our bed or not - because I always make the bed and he always leaves it a wreck... LOL
Regarding the toiletries, yes, it killed me to see that he had not brought things from her house. I don't know what to think. As I mentioned, I'm so very afraid that he is "testing" us, that he doesn't want to end things with her until he knows we're going to be all right, and I hate how that makes me feel and act. I'm trying so hard to just be me, but I find that that thought is constantly nagging me in the back of my mind. When we went to Hawaii, he told me that he had told her that he was figuring some things out. In actuality, I believe that he just told her that he was going on a business trip for the whole time he was back with me, both before and during our trip. He never told her that he was going to see if he could work things out with me. And I have a feeling that he is doing the same thing now. And before he chose to go back to her, so knowing that, it's even harder. At least now there are quite a few more positives than there were back then and I am in a much better place mentally (even though this all is so incredibly twisted). I'm doing a better job with what I need to do both for myself and for us.
So all I can figure is that he has just as hard of time talking to her as he does with me and that he is avoiding talking to either of us. I can't help but continue to wonder what she is thinking. I know I've been told to not give her that power. I get that. But I have to consider what kind of R this really is between them - if he's been staying with her the majority of the time up until the past few weeks and now he has been spending much more time away, what is he telling her? What is she asking him, if anything? Maybe she just doesn't care. I hate to think that, because he told me that he didn't want me to think that he just jumped into bed with someone else, that he has feelings for her. So as much as it hurts, I would guess that she feels the same way???? So what is she thinking now? Maybe he's telling her that he's staying at the office. Maybe she doesn't know where that is and so she hasn't checked or doesn't care to check. There are so many possibilities, and it's so dang hard that I cannot ask him what the heck is going on...
I'm not sure how much longer I can go on like this, with him going back and forth. Lin, it honestly DOES tear me apart inside. It's an absolutely horrible feeling. At the same time, I have to see that it's progress from where we were. It's certainly not an ideal situation, and in some ways it's hard than how it was before, but I have to believe that we're hopefully moving in the right direction, even if it's not exactly the course that I would like to follow to get there. ML to him is bitter sweet. I honestly am truly enjoying myself and am enjoying being with him, but it kills me to think about him also being with her - it takes the "magic" away from it. That's something I'm dealing with as well that is very difficult. It sucks and it's hard but hopefully it's helping to bring us closer. I know how sick and twisted that sounds, and if I think about looking in on this from the outside it makes my own skin crawl. But for whatever reason it's where we're at right now, and whatever I'm doing is somehow causing him to spend more time with me and to come home on his own without my coaxing (most of the time) and to want to ML to ME and to show me more affection. I can't make sense of it and don't understand it but at this point am simply attributing it to me new fliratious self that I continue to be and that I'm not talking about the R and that I'm consistently working very hard to compliment him genuinely... Those are the changes that I know I've made since this change in him occurred. So I'm staying the course for now and will just see where it takes me. I plan on reassessing the situation probably mid to end of June, if I can somehow keep myself together for that long... If nothing has changed by then, I may at least attempt talking with him and seeing what happens... I don't know the right thing to do and am so afraid of doing the wrong thing...
Anyway, sorry to vent again. Thanks for listening.
