Thanks for that Going Solo! Nothing like a little Jimmy Buffett when the weather starts to get nice (I'm up in Michigan...).
Nicola - Happiness will return to your life - if you allow it. You know, our heads sometimes can be our own worst enemy. Think of how dreadful you feel physically when you are mentally down or sad. Our minds our the masters of our bodies. So if we are sad or down and we feel physically recked - then it would also follow that eliminating this garbage from our heads and thinking positively and visualizing what we want out of life will cause our entire being to be invigorated and alive!
For me, the D negotiations (I handled this all myself directly with my XW) and her repeated flip flopping and asking for more, attempts to change the arrangements, etc all caused a serious stress. I had two very late attempts out of my XW to make major changes to the settlement. This was horribly stressful - even though other areas of my life were thriving. Now that D mess is over for me. I can breathe again and am not afraid anymore of what might happen. What happens in my life will be what I want to happen - and of course - what God wants for me.
I am happy now and every day my happiness increases. You too will find the same. Get through the D mess - I hope it all goes well for you. You did what you could, the rest now is mearly paperwork. I will say a prayer for you.
Well, for anyone out there that thinks once you get D - the BS will end. I have news for you. It follows you around and never stops!!!!!
Stupid me - the nice guy again, allows my XW to spend time with the children in my home (XW signed Quit Claim Deed on March 28, 2007 / D final on May 10, 2007). XW decides that a portable grill that is mine is really hers. Well I had loaned it to my brother whos grill died on him for a party they were having - they had an immediate need. This grill is mine, so I think nothing of it and loan it to him. Well, XW realizes that the grill she thought she was taking was moved - wasn't. XW calls me at work and demands to know where "her" grill is. I tell her, last I checked, It was mine. I told her I loaned it to my bro (which is no lie - I did). She demands it back immediately because her brother got it as a gift for "Us".
Last I checked, it doesn't matter who got it for "Us" - it was given to "us" so we need to decide how to divide it. Unfortunately, it wasn't explicity stated on any D paperwork. However, neither was a large electric roaster she took without asking. To me, she got the roaster and I got this small tailgate grill - even just like it should be.
Well, she blows a nut. Remember, she is watching S5 at MY HOME while the girls are at school. She then says, I am loading up my van full of whatever I want to take. Remember, this psychopath has already moved all of her stuff out of my home. I tell her that she can (in a very non-DB way) "Get the F*** out of my house now!". She replies "After I load up the van with whatever I want!" Then she hangs up. Of course, she won't answer the phone at all. This is the 3rd time she has removed stuff from my home without permission ($150 painting, $40 foot spa, and now the $130 grill). This was the last straw!
So I leave work at 9:30 and drive 1/2 hour home. She is not there when I get there. Nothing appears to be gone at first glance. Then I notice - a set of expensive chef knives is missing (~$150-200). I call her, leave her a nasty message. She finally calls back. She essentially is holding my stuff ransom until she gets "her grill" back. We argue some more and once again, she hangs up telling me she will take whatever she wants.
I call the sheriff and explained the sitch. He says, unfortunately since I allowed her to be in the home, it is a civil matter. He did give great advice on what to do, sympathized with me as he was going through the same thing. His advice, call my L and change the locks immediately! So off to the hardware store. We ended up in another arguement on the phone - I let her have it! I am through being a nice guy to her. She ends up hanging up again. Whatever baby!
About 3-4 hours later, I finished installing the new locks at 2:30 when guess who rolls up to the house. XW. She gets out of her van, I am just finishing the last garage door exterior lock and deadbolt. She starts walking to the house and I tell her "You are not coming in. Wait in the driveway." She thought she would take D6 and S5 into the house to wait for D11 (who comes home at 3:30 pm). I let the kids in to go to the bathroom, get a snack, etc. Then ask them to go back outside and play. XW has to wait for 1 hour in the 85 degree heat. I tell her she will get her grill back when my bro returns from vacation (gone for 1 week). I ask for the garage door opener and old key. She says - "When I get my grill back." So I firmly demanded them - "NOW!" She gives in. She asks for me to write something stating she will get this $100 grill back. I did. She says, I will give you the stuff I took from here when it arrives back clean - "just like I had it". I replied I had no idea how clean or not clean it was before I loaned it to them. I told her I would ask them to clean it, but that I would do no more cleaning than they would do. If she wanted, she could describe the level of cleanliness she would like it returned in to my bro (who is a lawyer....) . I tell her I want my things immediately.
So she walks up to the house - she has the set of Chef's knives, some nice ceramic bowls and salsa bowls, the knife cleaning kit, and a pitcher. That bitch just went klepto on my stuff!!!! Whatever she could take.
I have had it folks! I could take no more. I changed my locks and that bitch will never set foot in my home again. She brought this garbage upon herself. She created this mess. She is sleeping with XBIL. Heck, I ended up in a 1/2 hour convo with my neighbor. I find out they are totally on my side. My neighbor even said she has known about XW R with XBIL for years. Said his car was at my house all of the time in the afternoon when XW was watching my niece there. Sick! She is totally sick! I told her today exactly that - "You are sick and I hope you get the help you need someday!"
I know, I shouldn't be fired up. But like my Dad - my home is my castle. I do not like my living space violated and she violated for the last time! She will be in my home no more. The locks are changed. She sets foot inside my house for any reason, the sheriff said I have every right to press charges.
Let this be a lesson to all of you. You know when people say don't trust your XW or XH. You want to know why you shouldn't trust them - here is the exact reason why. We all like to think the best of people. Trouble is, can't do that when those people don't even have enough self-esteem to think well enough of themselves.
I have calmed down a bit since the incident. This will cause some childcare problems for me now - but I have nearly resolved them all. No longer do I have to worry about that loose cannon in my home. She wants to see her children, then she can come get them and spend time with them away from my home. I hate I had to do this to my children - they love their home, their yard, their toys. But I am no good to my children if I have to worry and stress about what XW has taken from the home or done to any of my things. I wonder what she would do I had a key to her apartment. Bet she wouldn't be too fond of that.
I have to go now. This has caused a bunch of garbage for me now. Thanks for allowing me to vent away.
You might want to consider writing a new version of War of the Roses!!!
My son, his friends and I watched that not too long ago.
That was one of the first movies H and I saw when we were dating 17+ years ago!!
The Bomb: 08/05 H moves out: 06/2006 H moves back: 01/07 & Out again: 01/07 H moves back: 03/08 & Out again: 04/08 H moves back: 05/09 & Out again: 07/09 Divorced 08-12 Kids: 22, 20, 19
Sanman, I am so sorry this has happened to you...I am sure you thought that you were done with the insanity...but it is just a gift that keeps giving...
I hope things get better and your XW calms down...
Keeping you and yours in my prayers tonight...
Hugs, Vali
Aug '06: H moved out July '08: H had a kid with the OW May 12 '09: emancipation day
"Life moves pretty fast. You don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it." -Ferris Bueller
I would be angry too, but I have to tell you I am concerned by what is going on here. I am concerned by the names you are calling her. I am concerned by the fact that you perpetuated her bad behavior. I am concerned by what the children are absorbing and are exposed to.
Santhony. YOu are angry. There are lots of very real reasons for being angry and no one blames you--some are big reasons, some small. But there is nothing, especially not a $100 grill that is worth making the relationship with the mother of your children so contentious.
Yes, she started all of this. Yes, she has exacerbated this and acted like an ass. Yes, it is hard to be the bigger person in light of the frustration this must cause, but it is a gift you need to give your kids. It will take sacrifice and strength but you will be glad you did it.
I beg of you, do not take her bait. Teach the children by example. At the very least they will be able to look back and say "my mom was a loon but no matter what my dad conducted himself with kindness and dignity."
The stuff is nothing--the real valuables are those children of yours. She is their mom and they NEED to love her and need to know she loves them in order to grow up without feeling screwed over and screwed up.
Why not diffuse the situation by offering her iced tea or doing something kind. She would probably soften right off the bat. Calling her names, locking her out, going to the cops--it is all so provocative and can not possibly lead to anything good or productive, especially for your precious babies. YOu are goving her all the reasons in the world to keep her hackles up and in fighting mode. Take those reasons away and she will relax.
I'm sorry this is happening, she has done some shitty things without a doubt, and of course the neighbors are on your side. Be confident in your own actions and motivations.
But if he did not have the item she wanted, I don't see what he could have done short of offering her money for another one.
It is over and done with but what could he have done really, except to call the police and have her escorted off the property?
If it wasn't him using that language/behavior, it would have been her.
In all, a bad situation from the git-go. I think you know what to do if she does this again.
The Bomb: 08/05 H moves out: 06/2006 H moves back: 01/07 & Out again: 01/07 H moves back: 03/08 & Out again: 04/08 H moves back: 05/09 & Out again: 07/09 Divorced 08-12 Kids: 22, 20, 19
But if he did not have the item she wanted, I don't see what he could have done short of offering her money for another one.
And what would be wrong with that? Why not try to reach a compromise? Okay it wasn't specifically on the D settlement, but why not try to work cooperatively as a good will gesture and as a way to set a president for future behavior.
YOu two have a lifetime of college graduations, marriages, school functions, etc to get through and like it or not you will have to cooperate with each other for many years to come. How do you want that to happen--always as a battle, or as two people who care about each other and their children and are willing to do what they need to to have an amicable relationship?
The thing is, whether you had the grill or not, she was in a tizzy. It's pretty obvious to me that this was not about the grill. It seems clear that Santhony's X feels out of control of her life and wants to gain some control by demanding something back that she percieves as hers. She sees that everything else she ever loved or could trust is gone now, albeit by her own hand, and she is groping at straws to keep anything from her past life. Very self destructive.
Of course it is irrational and immature--that's no surprise is it? One of the reasons we learn to DB is to understand how to deal with these crazy people in our lives.
This was a woman you once loved Santhony. A woman you chose to have a family and children with and while the pain of her betrayal is unimaginable to most people, it is not unimaginable to me. Believe me, I have been terribly hurt as well. I loved my H so much and for the most part he was a good husband. I have called him every name in the book (and even some that weren't in the book) and have realized it kept me spinning my wheels It hurt me, it hurt the children, it hurt my efforts to move forward.
What I am trying to say here is that your X is looking for a fight. To me, it proves she is not happy with her life at all. If she were, she wouldn't give a damn about this petty stuff. She is battling the demons that tell her she made a terrible mistake on one hand and that you are to blame for all her unhappiness on the other.
She is injured and hurting. Empathy can be a powerful tool Santhony and I know you have a big enough heart to forgive her and wish her well.
I see nothing wrong with you changing the locks--I probably would do the same. It's your place now and you must have boundaries. Throwing it in her face however is not going to get you anywhere. As I said if you add fuel the flame it'll keep burning.
Now Santhony if you try everything to be kind and gentle and understanding and she continues to play the role of the crazy beyatch from hell, then you have to do what you have to do.
Thanks for checking in on me. I want to clear somethings up as there may be a little misunderstanding (I did ramble quite a bit on the last post.... :))
I didn't call her any names to her face. The only thing I said over the phone was that she was sick and I hope she gets some help. Did I yell at her over the phone - Yes. She was yelling at me. It doesn't make it right, but what are you going to do when you are at work 30-45 min away and someone calls and says "I am going to load my van up and take what ever I want"? How would you respond? I couldn't leave work for 15 minutes until after she said she was doing this. Ask yourself - would you be angry? Would you feel like yelling? Like I said - doesn't make it right, but I hope you understand.
Also, I didn't call 911 with an emergency and complain to the cops. All I did was tell her to bring my things back to house now. When she refused, I told her that I may have to call the police. I - very calmly, contacted the local sheriff's department. I spoke to the sheriff very calmly, I explained the situation, I even explained to him that I had no interest in filing a complaint or reporting stolen items. I simply asked them from a position of being the owner of a home what I should do. The sheriff was kind enough to inform me of what the laws say and gave some advice. It was not calling the cops - it was finding out what the laws and rights are for the property owner. XW doesn't know that I called the sheriff nor did I tell her that "I called the police on you..."
Finally, none of the nastiness went down in front of the children. I firmly told her to bring me my house key and garage door opener when the two younger children were at the house. The rest were still at school. The little ones were playing with their scooters and didn't hear it anyway. I have not brought any of this in front of my children nor do I have plans to.
In fact, tonight was XW time with the children - her one day a week. When the children came back, I asked them if mom talked to them about anything. XW was really concerned about what "we should tell the children" since I changed the locks. When angry - I told her over the phone to tell them whatever she wants - she always does. So I had no idea what she would say.
Well she just told them the schedule was going to change a little. She didn't go any farther than that. Since D11 and D10 knew I had changed the locks, I simply told the older ones the following (almost exactly):
"You know, we are always teaching you guys about the natural consequences of your choices. When you make good choices - generally there are good consequences and when you make bad choices, there are usually not-so good consequences that happen. I don't want to talk about the situation, because I have taught you both that if you don't have anything good to say, then don't say anything at all. I don't have anything good to say about what happened today. But I will say that you mom has made some choices. Because she made those choices, there are consequences - good bad or otherwise - there are consequences and one of these consequences was that I changed the locks. This was going to happen anyway when school ended on June 11 so it really isn't a big change from our plans. It just happened a little sooner than I planned. This change will only affect the morning time a little - and mainly for the younger children. But as I said, we are two weeks away from this change anyway, so it is not a big deal."
Then I asked them "Do I have a key to Mom's apartment?" They both said "Well no." Then I asked, "Do I spend time with you at mom's apartment or go in mom's apartment?" They both said "No". "So then it makes sense that mom wouldn't have a key to my house nor spend time with you at my house right?" They both agreed and I could see they had understanding of the situation.
I think I did a nice job of explaining what I did without getting into the details of why and they understood. I don't think I did anything to make them think less of their mom. I simply tied it in to what I try to teach them - if you make choices there are consequences. Their Mom's choice resulted in the consequence of the locks being changed. I hope this provides a bit more understanding.
Now I would like to address a couple of other comments.
Quote:
Santhony. YOu are angry. There are lots of very real reasons for being angry and no one blames you--some are big reasons, some small. But there is nothing, especially not a $100 grill that is worth making the relationship with the mother of your children so contentious.
Althea - I appreciate all of your comments. I really do. And I agree with you. But this goes beyond a $100 grill. This marked the 3rd time that she has removed items from my home without my permission after the D was final. She is not allowed to remove a single item with me being present - she knows this. Furthermore, I have asked her to stay out of my bedroom up stairs - that this is my own personal space. One of these items she removed came from the very room I asked her not to go in and after the D was final. I don't want to go into any details, but XW is walking around my house like a store looking for things to remove. It is not about a grill - it is about the stress of trying to figure out what else has been taken from my home without my knowledge.
I continually try to be the bigger person in all of this. And I am the bigger person. Despite all of this garbage I have been put through - I do not talk bad about their mom. Haven't done it yet, have no plans to. The only thing I have said when they have complained about the D is that "Mom has made these choices. You don't have to like them, but she has made them. I am simply making the best out of a bad situation." Do you know that my XW has yelled up to D10 before school and said "Come on D10, Dad won't let me make you any food for breakfast, so I have to take you out" after I commented to her that I pay for everybit of food the children eat throughout the day - even when XW is supposed to be parenting them. She even told D10 once when we were going through the property argument, that "Daddy just wants to fight with Mommy over a blender!" 2 times within the last month alone XW has attempted to trash me in front of my children - and I stand there and take it. I don't trash her. I don't drag her name through the mud. Yet she does it to me. I am teaching my children by example and my children would be the first to tell anyone that. I had the baby sitter (who is more like a grandma to the children) tell me just within the last week, what a tremendous job I have done teaching them about respect, and keeping their spaces cleaned, and being kind. She said that she was so touched that D10 came up to her when she left, gave her a hug, and said "Thank You" to her. She said that touched her and I should be proud of what I have done with them. You know what - I am proud.
So you see Althea - I am not taking her bait. I would be lying if I said it doesn't get to me from time to time. But I will not take her bait. But at some point, you have to stop doing what doesn't work. I have repeated treated her with respect only to have her twisted relationship thrust into my and my children's faces. I found out from my neighbor, that XBIL car has been outside of my house in the afternoon FOR YEARS! NOT MONTHS - FOR YEARS this guys car has been outside my house.
So yes - "stuff" is nothing. It can be replaced. I tell them whenever they talk about their mom or complain she is never around that "Mommy loves you so much". I so want to take a shot at her when they complain - but I don't. I bite my tongue. I tell them how much their mom loves them despite all of the time she takes off work to spend with XBIL.
Quote:
Why not diffuse the situation by offering her iced tea or doing something kind. She would probably soften right off the bat.
You know what - I have done this. Even after the D was final, I wanted to make it easier the children and her to ease into the transition. I open my home up to her and let her spend all of the time with the children there. I give I give I give I give. All she does is take, take, take. As I said earlier, not once has she offered to chip in for groceries - for the last 14 months! Then she decides that she is entitled to 1/2 of the beef stored in the deep freeze. What? So she and XBIL can enjoy some nice steaks on the grill? She doesn't have the children enough to need this. At what point do you become the fool for just taking it over and over and over again? You know what, I feel like one sometimes for how nice I was to her through this whole ordeal.
I have no reason to be a huge jerk now, but at some point, a person has to stand up for themselves and say enough is enough. But you shouldn't do what doesn't work. Being nice to her all of the time, just wasn't working. While I have no plans to be a jerk, I am simply not going to take her garbage lying down anymore. It may not be a popular opinion, but I grow tired of this nonsense.
Thanks again for the feedback and support. I do appreciate all of it. Now I am rambling again, so I will retire....
when guess who rolls up to the house. XW. She gets out of her van, I am just finishing the last garage door exterior lock and deadbolt. She starts walking to the house and I tell her "You are not coming in. Wait in the driveway." She thought she would take D6 and S5 into the house to wait for D11 (who comes home at 3:30 pm). I let the kids in to go to the bathroom, get a snack, etc. Then ask them to go back outside and play. XW has to wait for 1 hour in the 85 degree heat. I tell her she will get her grill back when my bro returns from vacation (gone for 1 week). I ask for the garage door opener and old key. She says - "When I get my grill back." So I firmly demanded them - "NOW!" She gives in. She asks for me to write something stating she will get this $100 grill back. I did. She says, I will give you the stuff I took from here when it arrives back clean - "just like I had it". I replied I had no idea how clean or not clean it was before I loaned it to them. I told her I would ask them to clean it, but that I would do no more cleaning than they would do. If she wanted, she could describe the level of cleanliness she would like it returned in to my bro (who is a lawyer....) 
