LL, 30 years young! Very good. Happy B-day, my dear!
Quote: tonight we will have my birthday dinner KFC.
That's very strange, LL!
Quote: -look into that emt thing (I'm a bit terrified I must say, I think I have that fear of failure thing, maybe thats why I opted to be a housewife)
I know it can be hard sometimes, but we all need to challenge ourselves to go outside the box. It keeps us fresh. From what I know of you, you sound like a very capable person. I imagine you'd flourish as an EMT.
All in all, LL, some very good goals for your b-day. You sure sound reflective today.
With what has happened to me the past couple of days, I can readily identify with that "fear of failure" mentality. But if you don't try, you can never succeed - never reach your goals. We have a neighbor who is a volunteer fireman and EMT - it has its share of stress and uncertainty but he truly enjoys what he is doing.
I can't remember if you have mentioned whether you have discussed this with H. What are his thoughts? If he does show support, it can be something that leads to bringing the two of you closer.
Like Jethro, I think your goals are good as well. Check back with you later!
Quote: I can't remember if you have mentioned whether you have discussed this with H. What are his thoughts? If he does show support, it can be something that leads to bringing the two of you closer.
honestly, h doesn't care much what I do, he'd be happy if I worked at walmart for christ sake.
yesterday was decent.
spent the evening hanging more pics in cave, gee nice way to spend "my" birthday, doing more of h's [censored].
went to bed...h stayed up to watch end of show that we didn't even see the first half of. h eventually came to bed. but I woke in the middle of the night to find h not there. h was in sons bed. sorry folks who might find that touching, I think it sucks, h woke in the middle of the night and instead of reaching for me, he gets up and goes to sons bed. gee wonder who he really came home for???
I am tired, so very very tired of waiting for this man to love me. I will not wait anymore. h can stay home and be a father to his beloved children, I will cook and clean, I will enjoy my life, on occasion I will enjoy the physical pleasures that h occasionally offers, but as far as a fullfilling r with h? aint gonna happen, not now, not in a few years, never!!! I speak from experience, I have known this man for more than 13 years, if this is just the way he is then pity on him, if this is the way he is with me because he just doesn't "have it" for me, then pity him.
I'm tired of waiting, tired of the silence, tired of not knowing what the hell is going on in that little brain of his.
so folks, a walk a way wife I cannot be, but I'm out!
Quote: What's with him? Was he upset or something? Or is it even worth trying to figure it out?
don't know what's with him, don't care to waist my time and energy trying to figure out what's with him. I have never hid my feelings from him (well exept for over the summer per dr ways) h has always been privy to my inner thoughts and feelings both good and bad, both concerning him and concerning me and hell concerning others. I have always let h know me and know what I am thinking and or dealing with in my life. H has always been a closed book to me. I have never known his feelings, thoughts, dreams, etc. I do not know this man and I don't think he wants me to know him.
let's see didn't I tell you that no matter what he does get me for my b-day it wouldn't be good enough?? well sat night when we went out we stopped at a framing place to have some of his sports stuff framed for the cave, I pointed out a pic that I thought was nice, how convenient that h was going to that print store yesterday to pick up his stuff and grabbed that pic, woopie do da. he also let son pick out a pick too (son calls it the spooky one, its a night shot of a volcano flowing I put it in the cave ) sorry but what if I hadn't pointed out that pic???? what the hell would h have done then??? given me money??? speaking of money, h in the past couple of days has spent hundreds of dollars on his pics for the cave and what did he spend on me $60. guess I am so worth alot aren't I. so tonight I think I'll go out and pick up a baby shower gift for my cousin and go do a bit of hunting for some stuff to decorate my cave (the rest of the house!!)
mind you when I woke last night and found h in sons bed I asked him what he was doing there, he said he wanted to lay with him for a while. I told h that I wish he would just let me know what is going on, that I am tired, that I don't like this, that I am afraid that I will have an a myself, find someone who loves me, that I feel insulted by h, INSULTED. that I can see who he really came home for. h did find his way back to our (MY!!) bed sometime during the night (by then I had already fallen asleep so it was a long time) h stayed in bed today til 10, me and the kids were up at 6:30. h said nothing at all about anything (nor did I) took his shower, made his own damn coffe (instant huh why do I bother to make the good stuff for him, I don't drink it?) started his truck, sat with son for a few then kissed him goodbye and kissed me goodbye and off he goes to do whatever the hell it is that he does down there.
so this week and next I have some plans already (c appointment, pediactric cpr course, shopping tonight) and I have to finnish reading this months book, our meeting is next wed (new members comming too) so I will just have to keep myself busy every night till he figures it out and if he doesn't figure it out at least I wont be sittin around waiting for him to figure it out. (dummy that he is may figure it out but will not speak up anyway)
one good thing I will be having a bon fire birthday bash (yeah basically I planned it myself but wtf I'll have h re-call my friends so he can feel like he did it) sat night. I am looking forward to that, I love my friends, we are a group that have been together some since kidnergarten and others middle school a rather mixed bunch, but hey they are like family to me.
Quote: I have never hid my feelings from him (well exept for over the summer per dr ways) h has always been privy to my inner thoughts and feelings both good and bad, both concerning him and concerning me and hell concerning others. I have always let h know me and know what I am thinking and or dealing with in my life. H has always been a closed book to me. I have never known his feelings, thoughts, dreams, etc.
I do not know this man and I don't think he wants me to know him.
This is pretty much how I'm feeling these days. Our Ses walk around saying this and that...nothing all that important, while they are distant from us. Who knows what's going on in their alien heads? We'd never know because they don't share.
Frankly, it's probably better that I don't post anything more. I'm not feeling too positive and not very DBish. Just wanted to come by and tell you that I understand your feelings, and I'm glad you're starting to keep yourself busy with things for YOU. Hope you have a great party with your friends, LL.
It seems like he's taking for granted that you will always keep the pieces together no matter what he does. LL, I wish I could come over and just give him a whack in the back of the head to open his eyes. The man just doesn't see what he has and that he has to continue at being attentive to it or he will lose it. I was guilty of taking alot of what my W did for granted and it took her wanting to end the M to give me a good kick in the a$$ to open my eyes. Now I'm not suggesting that you walk away, but by becoming more independant, you might give him the preception you could walk away. If he isn't so certain you will always be there, then it could shake him into realizing he has to change some things too.
Sorry its late, but Happy 30th ... umm no, that's 25th + 5 right?...
I don't know KAW, it seems that h would prefer it that way, he after all was the one who did have an ea and leave me asking for a d. I gave him the choice whether or not he wanted to come home, I think that when he finally saw that I was no longer asking him to and frankly was doing just fine without him he realized that door was closing. now he knows he's home, knows that I will not leave (physically) and honestly I don't think he really cares much if I am not here as long as I get done what I need to get done, I could be out or here but doing my own thing every night of the week and he wouldn't care. h doesn't want me, maybe he doesn't even want ow. I don't think h should have gotten married at all.
there is nothing I can do to change him and if I try well then it's just more of me telling him he's just not good enough, no wonder his ow was a married woman any single woman wouldn't have waisted her time with him.
I'm all done with this r, it has been too long and I don't need it.
) sorry but what if I hadn't pointed out that pic???? what the hell would h have done then??? given me money??? speaking of money, h in the past couple of days has spent hundreds of dollars on his pics for the cave and what did he spend on me $60. guess I am so worth alot aren't I. so tonight I think I'll go out and pick up a baby shower gift for my cousin and go do a bit of hunting for some stuff to decorate my cave (the rest of the house!!)