I decided to start a new thread with a new title. This goes along with my new name (S4N) and attitude about my sitch. Things are going slow and steadily for H and I. My lease is not over until the end of July so I am just taking the time from now until then to keep the positive changes going. If I end up in a studio apartment for a while after this lease, I am fine with that. Being home with our spouses is a goal we all have here, of course, but since things are going so well I want to make sure I am giving it all enough time. This is also a good time for me to make sure I can transition into the new M we are creating.
The Friday before last, H and I had dinner with friends to meet their new baby. When we got back to the apartment we were both very tired from the week finally being over. After some lounging on the couch and talking, we ended up ML! We were both nervous as hell and it was a bit humbling to put my clothes back on and go home BUT it was a huge step in the right direction...nothing sexual since then but we have had some easy going interactions last week and this week.
A little lurch in my attitude has me nervous that I will revert back into the old nag that I was but I am aware of it and squelch it as quickly as I can. At a baseball game this weekend I was really snotty when he wanted to leave early because I thought he was trying to blow our afternoon off. Ends up we barely missed the incredible rush of people to the trolley after the game. I apologized...H was honest and said that it was mean of me to assume that was his intention and accepted my apology. Trying to let that one roll off my back even though I have felt horrible about it since Sunday!!!
H has been talking about renting a house and getting a dog lately. All of these discussions include "we" and "us" language but I am still too chicken to get a concrete confirmation about a definite reconciliation. Perhaps he thinks that is confirmation but I think I want to hear H say the words "come home"...not that I deserve it as I would give anything (including some of my pride) for another chance to work on our M but part of me feels I have earned at least that. My roommate asked if I were going to renew the lease because she "thought things were getting better" for us. That really opened up my eyes since I never talk to her and rarely see her. I guess she had noticed H coming over more but he only comes there when I have the cat.
Yesterday was hard for him since it was Memorial Day, so I tried to be as easy going and supportive as I could possibly be when chatting on the phone. Patience has been paying off big time but it is an everyday struggle...sometimes it is an hourly struggle but I make it out alive everytime
