Optimist 2004 is burning up 2007!

[optimist2004]

Well I'm feelin' pretty good. Good enough to move back to the "piecing" board after a couple of months on the "thinking of leaving board."

After much thinking and a little bit more communication with H, I am of the current impression that it is possible to pursue my career as an independent public relations writer and maintain a happy M with him. Possible.

First he told me that he did not support using childcare at all if I worked from home, and that I needed to give up my writing pursuits because I don't have the right degree. So I stewed in thought about whether I wanted a M with a man who insisted I sacrafice my personal dreams. Then, a few days ago, H sends me a job announcement for a traveling sports writer for his favorite baseball website. After I figured out he wasn't just joking I told him I was confused because I thought he didn't support me pursuing a writing career. To which he said he had no problem with me having a writing career, especially if it made money. I then explained that I have no clips in sports writing and don't intend to go off in that direction, because I'm focusing on marine commerce, which fits with my background in the military and the fact that I will (if all goes well) be transfering around with him from port to port. And he seemed OK with that.

Blah, blah, blah, that's all very boring, but the point is...when will I learn my lesson? He says one thing one day, with such conviction, and something totally different the next. When will I learn not to take his extremist stands to heart?

Anyway, this is my big issue to deal with: figuring out how to get H's support in building a pr writing career from home. I've got the first part figured out in theory-meet his emotional needs for sex, domestic support, admiration, affection and an attractive spouse. With him still 2,000 miles away, I can do the admiration and some of the affection thing, but not so much about the sex and domestic support thing. But the other part of this, I think, is getting him onboard with my plan. I had a therapist appt today and she recommended writing up a business plan and asking his help to keep me accountable to it. I'd thought of presenting H with a business plan already, but asking his help to keep me on track is a new idea. That may actually appeal to his need to be needed.

So, I'll get to work on that ASAP! However, the first part about meeting his needs is actually the most important part I think. And the second part about getting him onboard with my business plan should hopefully follow if he feels I have already put him first. So maybe I shouldn't go too crazy with trying to convince him of my plan until this summer when he's around and I can actually fill his sex/domesticity love tank. Just a business plan outline maybe.

Hope everyone out there is doing right by themselves and finding bits of happiness. I'm feeling very strange today. Like I got a full night's sleep last night or something.

[cat03]

hey there, glad to se you here, hope your are able to pursue your writing career. I agree w/your 2nd to last paragraph, don't tell him, show him what you have to offer him and you want to give him.

Good luck there

[optimist2004]

Thanks for the post cat.

H had outpatient surgery yesterday to remove a fatty tumor. When I got home there was a message on my machine from him, saying he was OK and back on the boat. But the doctor said the tumor wasn't what they thought it was and it had something to do with lymph nodes so their testing it. I wanted to call back, but figured I shouldn't wake him up.

I'm sure everything is going to be fine. I just can't imagine us getting though the past three years and then having to deal with major medical illness. Alright, that's the last time I'm going to think like that.

[cat03]

Hon, in this life, if it is not one thing is another, each year brings us a "present" to deal with. Hang in there, you've got the tools to cope w/now

[optimist2004]

Well...maybe I'll try starting this thread up again.

In my last post I mentioned the tumor H had removed. Everything ended up going well, thank goodness. It wasn't exactly what the doctor's thought it was, but it WAS benign. So that's all you need to know, I think.

Things with H have been very good. He has started calling frequently. He called once because he was having such a bad day-He didn't do that before the bomb! He doesn't just call on the weekends. He calls whenever he can! Unheard of. I think it just took time for him to associate calling me with pleasure. Persistance and lots of being sweet and sympathetic, even when I get tired of his complaints about everything from brocoli to hump back whales. But it's easier and easier to give him my sympathy and gratitude. After all, today is his birthday and he is spending it underway, with no birthday cake, party, card, presents, nothing. And he likes that stuff. I sent stuff, but the ship left before his home port post office got it, and now it will all have to be rerouted to his port of call.

He also has been more and more supportive of my writing. I went to a large writers conference and had some serious interest from literary agents for the book I'm writing about my experience as the only female at an isolated military base. I told H about it and he has been open to helping me fill in some holes in my memory (since he was at the unit also).

Really, the only thing I can complain about right now is the women I work with in my office. Talk about a seething pit of bitches. I just don't fit in, not that I want to. I'm a blind stumbling fool when it comes to all those unspoken rules and office politics. Give me a table of tone deaf engineer types any day. I guess I am gratefull that THIS is what I can complain about these days. These are people that were here before me and will be here long after I'm gone. Beyond making my life temporarily annoying, I know I get to leave it all behind eventually.

I really wanted to return the favor with H and call him about the really bad day I had at work last Thursday, but like I mentioned, he's underway. I really wanted to tell him about how I mentioned that we probably should do something about the electrical hazard in the corner, which lead to the physical plant director spotting a second code violation, which meant that we wouldn't have room for the mini fridge in the office, which meant I was in the dog house for starting shit, which prompted me to ask the office next door if they had room and would like to share the fridge with us, which worsened my situation, because it turns out the women in my office can't stand the thought of sharing a fridge with those "wierdos" next door. I would just love to stand up and scream, "listen you small minded inbred administrative lackies...maybe you should try boot camp, officer candidate school, isolated duty, moving to Alaska so your husband can leave you there, making it as a working single mom, and still carving out time to make it to the gym and write a book...then try finding time to arguing about where the f*cking office mini fridge should go."

Yeah, that's exactly what I should have done. But obviously there's a reason I'm a writer, not an impromptu speaker.

[Freckle6]

Hey Opti! I thought you had jumped ship! I just found this thread and then backtracked to the previous one to catch up.

I'm thrilled to see things going so well for you! Huge congratulations on your writing successes!

It is great that H is now calling you often. Can I just say, "I told you so". Now that he's reciprocating, I bet you're not keeping score as much regarding who is calling who more. Be sure to slip it in that him initiating contact like that means a lot to you. You don't have to make a big deal about it, but a little "oh, I was just thinking about you. I'm so glad you called. You must have read my mind." will let him know that you enjoy this contact.

So, is the plan for you and your son to stay put in your house and commute to H 3 hours away when there's a chance? Does he go offshore for long periods of time? I know it's not exactly what you wished for, but in a way it will give you guys time to rejoin your lives without going from 2x a year visits to togetherness 24/7. Slow and steady wins the race, right?

[optimist2004]

Nicole,
I guess the combination of the site changing and going on vacation kind of threw me off the boards for a while. I still haven't figured out the new site, but it's not way up there on my list right now.

You can say "I told you so" all you want. It would be music to my ears. That's what we keep asking for on these board, right? Someone to "tell us" what to do, and have it be the right thing.

You're advice to call him every weekend or more for a few weeks (turned into 6 or 7 weeks) regardless of how much he reciprocated was good advice in my situation. Not what the DB book implies. But it was a 180 for me.

He called me the evening I got back from vacation and the first thing out of my mouth was "it's been a long time, it's good to hear your voice." But since you recommended it, I'll use the very next opportunity to let him know how much I like hearing from him regularly.

This June H will be transfering and finding out if he's being promoted. If he is promoting, he will transfer AGAIN within a year. So the plan is to wait until June to make plans for S4 and I to move. Personally, the way life at work is going, I just want to move as soon as possible, even if it means moving again right away. But, I can see the logic on holding off on putting the house on the market until June. It would be a better time to sell the house any way.

[Freckle6]

Yeah, I read about your refrigerator incident at work. I don't blame you for wanting out of there ASAP. Hang in there though. You only have a limited amount of time left. Just try to laugh off the bitchy drama. Really, how boring their lives must be that they have to make huge deals out of the stupidest things. Must be nice not to have anything better to get up in arms about, huh?

[RonJon]

Opti, Good to see you in this forum. Don't worry about the things you have no control over at his time, the emotional needs for sex, and domestic support. Wouldn't wait till summer to work on that as a prerequisite to writing pursuits. The earlier you can get "buy-in" from H the more he'll on board when the time come to ramp up on it rather than waiting and it may seem to him like springing it on him to him. Keep up the good work, you're another proof that DBing works. RonJon "When we become independent, we lose the fear of losing our significant other that controls us"

[NNP1965]

Opti, I saw your mini update on someone else's thread. I just wanted to tell you I have been wondering about you. You sound like you are in a good place. I hope everything goes well with your H's PCS and that everything works out for you guys.