Lostlove, I haven't kept up with your thread. I am far from piecing, so I am mostly reading newcomers and MLC threads.
Are you getting any counseling? You sound like you feel what my H must have before he left. Remember love is a decision. It sounds like you still need to get past your anger about what your H did to you. (Hopefully I will have to deal with these same issues in time)
Are you falling into old habits? I don't think that it is just up to your H to try to be the H that you need. You need to tell him what you need (in the right way). Reread DR and see if there are some ways that you can change the way that you are dealing with him. Maybe he will start acting in the way you need. It sounds like you are pushing him away. You have every right to be hurt and angry with him, but you have to deal with this in your own mind.
I think it will be good for you to take some classes and start thinking about yourself. But don't forget about the marriage if you truly want to save it. DBing doesn't stop once you get them home. The changes have to be for you too, and they have to be real permanent changes.
I do believe that you can find the love again that you had for your H, but you will have to truly forgive him and put the past behind you first. You cannot change it, but you can make you and your H a wonderful future.
