Hey, guys --

Hope you're all doing well. Just wanted to check in. Things are going well here, I think. H did not come home on Thursday night but has been home/with me every night since then. He invited me to go out of town for Saturday night at his family's cabin with the family, so we did that and had a nice time. I told him that I really didn't want to go if it was just for the purpose of making it not be "awkward" for him to not have me there, and he said no, that he wanted to go and he wanted me to go. So I just left it at that. I had a nice time with him and his family. We drove there and back together, which is about a 45 minute drive each way, and the drives were nice. He kind of clammed up right before we got home on Saturday night - he was just really short with me and distant. It was like talking to a wall. I asked him if anything was wrong, and he said no but offered no explanation for his behavior... Other than that the weekend went really well. So he has stayed with me since Friday night now, but I find myself thinking that maybe that was just because OW was out of town for the holiday possibly??? I know I should just be thankful that he's been staying with me, regardless of the reason, but it's just so hard to not have these thoughts. Please tell me these thoughts and worries will fade with time?

We leave tomorrow night for our business trip. He comes home Saturday night, and I'm gone through Monday night. So now I'm worried about whether he'll come home tonight or not, thinking that if she was gone for the weekend she may be home now and he may stay with her and feeling anxious about that. He hasn't shaved in a long time and is looking pretty scruffy, and I know his shaver is at her house... These are the stupid things I find myself noticing that just drive me crazy! Jody (DB coach) said I need to work on not having my life revolve around whether he comes home or not, and I know that, but I'm just having a hard time pushing these thoughts out of my head. And it's doubly hard because right now I can't tell him how I'm feeling or ask for any reassurances, so I'm left to deal with it on my own.

I'm feeling a bit anxious today and just wanted to ask for some feedback from you guys. I'm really excited that we are spending more time together and that he has been staying with me so much the past several weeks. At the same time, he hasn't brought home his clothes and toiletries from OW's house, so I know he hasn't broken things off with her, but I have said nothing to him about that to him. And the toiletries that I told you about that he did bring home were not from OW's house I found out, as he gives me the receipts from all of his credit card charges for me to enter into our software program, and there was a receipt in there for those toiletries...

So I find myself worrying that he is "testing" us maybe, that he doesn't want to break things off officially with her until he's sure that he wants to be with me. So I find myself having a hard time relaxing around him and just being me, and I hate that. I know I can't talk to him about it - at least not yet. Obviously I can't allow this to go on forever as far as "sharing" him with someone else, but I'm trying to lay low for now and just have fun being with him and hopefully have him enjoy being with me.

Also, I find myself worrying about the "emotional" connection between us - it feels so incredibly strained. Is that normal? I'm scared - I want to see love and happiness in his eyes when he looks at me; I want to hear happiness in his voice when I call; I want him to be glad to see me... I just don't feel any of those things, and I'm scared. And it's not just that I don't feel any of those things from HIM; it's also that *I* don't feel those things... Of course I love him, but I feel so scared and angry and so distant right now, and I want so badly to not feel that way and to feel close to him again and safe. Please tell me that this is normal to feel this way and that I just need to be patient???

We have been continuing to make love, and I've truly really enjoyed that. He has been snuggling with me in bed like we used to and showing me affection in that way, which has been really nice and drastically different from how he acted when he "came home" for the short period in February.

But when we're not in bed and not talking about business, I just feel a huge disconnect. Am I being sensitive and analyzing it too much? Is it just going to take time to build those feelings back up? Should I be so scared?

I feel myself emotionally getting tied back in to him because of the time we've been spending together, and I just don't want to go through getting hurt all over again, if that makes sense. I just want to feel close to him again in an emotional, loving way... I'm afraid...

Let me know what you guys think from the outside looking in... I know I can't know what he is thinking or why he is doing what he is doing, but do you guys see/feel anything looking in on this about how he has been acting as far as coming home and spending time with me but not bringing his stuff home and not ending things with her (he stayed at her house last Thursday night)... Thoughts?