Thanks CL. I guess what I am feeling is valid and normal. I was just rereading some of the info on the Tips for Newcomers to Piecing BB. I found this quote and think it may apply.
Quote:
I think MANY of us were kind of caught by surprise when once our S's seemed willing to work on things, OUR issues started to resurface, along with some resentments.
Okay, so it is "normal" for me to start to feel resentments. I want to deal with (and let go of) these feelings in a constructive way so I don't lash out at my H...I guess that is one of the reasons I am here on this BB, hoping that my journalizing and your feedback will help me through a lot of this. Now that the temporary high of my H telling me he wants to make baby steps to R is over, I am now feeling resentment due to my H's seemingly minimal effort to piece. I tell myself that he wants to take baby steps and at least he is making some effort but I just keep feeling like I am in the same place I was when he left 3 months ago. I can't help but ask myself does he really want to work on things or this his way of just stalling for more time? Am I just supposed to accept his minimal efforts because I know if I confront him on this, I will just be pushing him in the opposite direction? Do I just need to be more patient?
I think MANY of us were kind of caught by surprise when once our S's seemed willing to work on things, OUR issues started to resurface, along with some resentments.
Okay, so it is "normal" for me to start to feel resentments.
I want to deal with (and let go of) these feelings in a constructive way so I don't lash out at my H
I am now feeling resentment due to my H's seemingly minimal effort to piece.
UD, I'm glad you were able to find a quote that normalized your thoughts/feelings for you.
I'm going to disagree with your comment that you're feeling resentment because of your H's seemingly minimal effort to piece. Take another look at that statement and look inward. Can you come-up with an explanation for the sources of your resentment without assigning blame? If you have to look outside for the causes of your thoughts/feelings, you're avoiding looking inward because it's too painful for you.
I recommend "Perfect Love, Imperfect Relationships: Healing the Wound of the Heart." by John Welwood. I recommend it for someone who is struggling with letting go of anger and resentment in their R.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
Well I really screwed up big time tonight. I went to the party this afternoon and I knew my H was going to be there. He didn't want to go together. Anyway, I had a friend ask if I was there "stag" and he told me he asked my H the same question. I reluctantly told him yes. He told me that my H said he was there stag. My H's reply among other things just made me lose it it and told my H I wanted to talk to him. So we stood out in front of the house talking (arguing) for a while and then went back in and then went out and battled some more. I think we were out there for about an hour and half. Anyway, I guess I pushed (and then pushed more) and he pulled back (and pulled back more), but it it is just as I suspected. He isn't ready to piece. He says he thinks he wants to sometimes but at others he doesn't know. I have been thinking that he really doesn't know what he wants so he is just buying time. Tonight, he told me that all he wanted to do was leave the party and I told him I needed and wanted for him to stay. Once again, he said I wasn't listening to him. I doubt he will be trying to buy time anymore because I said I was done.
Maybe it is time for me to move to the MLC forum or some other forum since I know now the he wasn't really trying to piece any after all.
I know what I did tonight was totally wrong but I just feel like I can't do this anymore. I know I should have done a lot of things differently in our marriage, but I don't deserve this.
UD, I went and reviewed your prior thread. You mentioned that he was gone for 2 1/2 months, but no mention of a return. Is he still living outside the home? I saw where earlier in this thread where he mentioned wanting to take baby steps, but still no mention of him coming home.
Accepting our situations means facing our pain. We have to turn grievances into grief. We have to learn to embrace our pain with love. We have to radiate self-love, even when our spouses aren't able to provide it. This is the challenge for the LBS. We have to heal ourselves, before we can heal the M.
Your H is trying to connect with you, but your anger and resentment, and attempts to control him keep pushing him away. I think you know that.
If you're still separated, perhaps a support group might be helpful. The love of other members would replace his for now, and might make your journey easier. GAL is critical. The connection of acquaintances and budding friendship also serves to cultivate self-love, as you open yourself to connection with others.
It's clear your approach isn't working. Try something different. My path towards healing began when I joined a writer's group three months ago. Up to that point, I was a member of the "walking wounded."
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
UD, no advice here. I do have empathy for you. I am also piecing and I am lucky that my h is actually trying (except for certain things). However, I also feel lots of anger and resentment which I think was suppressed before. Now they are resurfacing. I have a difficult time controlling myself. I am spending lots more time with h, which reduces my alone time and time with friends. I think for me I need to get out more to GAL. I agree with CL that you can try to do other things more, first to get away from thinking about R, and also get more topics (hopefully interesting ones) to talk with h when you are together. good luck
M 38, H 38, two sons Met 20 years ago Married 13 years Bomb: Oct, 2006 DB: Started in Dec, 2006 H moved out for 3 weeks in Mar, 2007 H back home and piecing?
Yes, we are still separated and my H has made no promise of returning at anytime. After last night, he is probably done taking his baby steps. In my opinion, his baby steps were just spending some time together to see if we can reconnect with no real effort on his part. He just really wants to avoid dealing with this. I understand that I have the power to make changes within myself that can somehow influence him but I just don't think I am strong enough to pretend that things are great and that life is wonderful to convince him to come home and have a life with me. I have tried but I can't do this anymore. I need him to make an effort to make things work. I need him to be my friend again but he claims he doesn't trust ME and I am trusting him less and less all of time. I thought the man I married understood what honor and commitment were. Now it seem that those things only mean something to him when it is convenient.
I have been doing my best to GAL. I do have the support of lots of family and friends. I have found this BB and all of you which helps. I am going to IC as well. I have tried to find a support group, but have been unsuccessful finding anything in my area.
My H told me last night, that if I were doing this to him, he wouldn't put up with it and he would be gone. He also said that he can't plan his life much more than a day at a time but he is prepared to get a D if it comes to that. My H can't picture his life without me but it still doesn't make seem to make a difference to him.
Originally Posted By: Concerned_Listener
Your H is trying to connect with you, but your anger and resentment, and attempts to control him keep pushing him away. I think you know that.
I truly wish I felt like my H was trying to connect with me. I don't feel like I am trying to control him, just connect with him but my attempts have been futile having no effect or just pushing him farther away. Right now, I don't think I am angry but I do admit that all of this makes me frustrated, resentful and hurt beyond belief. Today I feel like my the only approach I haven't tried is to end this and rebuild my life without him. I hate how alone I feel. Why can't he make an effort? How would you embrace this pain with love?
UD, The title of your thread highlights exactly what you're struggling with. Your thread could also be titled, "It is Hard to Be Patient, or Face My Pain, or Feel Unloved, or Be Disappointed."
I'm so glad that you post on these boards. Your writing is a way of facing your pain. Now if we could get you to feel your pain without judgment, and just be with it. Ignore the drama in your head; just be with the feelings.
I wouldn't end the M at this time. A decision to D should not be made with emotion, but in a position of strength, where you've considered it for a long time, while working on your own happiness.
You've only been separated for a few months. I think a separation needs at least six months to allow charged emotions to settle. You rushed into a Piecing mindset too quickly. Your M is not yet in Piecing.
Try not to take his actions personally. He is not trying to hurt you. He is lost, wounded, confused, and disconnected from himself. He has to find his way to his heart. He has to let his confusion settle, so that he can get some clarity. You need to give him the space to accomplish that.
Keep writing to us. This is part of the healing process. Don't become invested in your judgments and opinions. They are created by your pain, and reflect the state you're in.
The hope is eventually you will transform grievance into self-love, and compassion for your H. Self-love is lost right now in your pain. You will need to discover the love you have within you, even when your H is not capable of providing you with his love at this time.
This is the greatest lesson for all LBS's.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
Your thread could also be titled, "It is Hard to Be Patient, or Face My Pain, or Feel Unloved, or Be Disappointed."
CL, you are absolutely right on this except for the fact that I have no choice to face my pain. It is looking at me square in the eye right now. I have always had trouble being patient, I don't want to feel unloved and I hate being disappointed. I think most of those feelings are "normal" under the best of circumstances.
Originally Posted By: Concerned_Listener
You've only been separated for a few months. I think a separation needs at least six months to allow charged emotions to settle. You rushed into a Piecing mindset too quickly. Your M is not yet in Piecing.
Again, I think you are right about this. I don't feel like my H is anywhere near ready to try to piece anything back together in fact, the events of the weekend have pushed us farther apart. My H did tell me before that he wanted to take baby steps...so, I thought we were going to move in that direction but his actions has spoken. This has been so frustrating and hurtful and I know I haven't handled it well. I know I need to change what I am doing or my M will be over for sure. I just seem to be unable to control myself around my H at times. Any suggestions?
UD, You say that you're unable to control yourself around your H at times. What happens? Look back on those events and think about what happens in your head. What are the triggers, thoughts, and feelings your have? If you can bring these into awareness, then the solutions will be more apparent.
I think acceptance of where the M is at, will also be helpful. It sounds like you're going to make the shift away from a Piecing mindset to one that is more appropriate for your situation.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
There are times when I can't seem to stop myself from telling my H how I feel and trying to sell him on our R. I can see and hear that he doesn't want to talk about (or deal with it). The more I talk, the more he wants to get away from me but once I get started, I have a hard time stopping. I just keep trying to find a way to convince him to work on our R. When this happens, my H will even say he wants to leave or get off the phone and I have such a hard time letting him do that. I know it is the completely wrong thing to do...my emotions just seem to take over.
I am trying to accept that we really aren't trying to reconcile...at least not yet (I am trying to still have hope). I wanted to believe him so badly when he told me he wanted to take baby steps. I guess it is time to go back to the We're Separated-Now What forum.
Thanks for all of your thoughts CL. You are very insightful.
