Andy, I hear what you are saying. Unfortunately my W is the one who intiated the last two conversations. I really have backed off but she is the one pushing for a conclusion.
She has found the area and now the house that she wants to buy. My W is the type of person once she makes up her mind there is no stopping her until she gets what she wants. She actually wants me to make things easier for her. She wants me to tell our DD's how great it is going to be having two houses. It sounded to me that she wants me to make things easier on her more then our kids. Maybe I am looking at this the wrong way, I am still hurting, this might be the best way to handle this for our kids.
She also told me that she wants to keep what is going on between us private and that I cannot talk to friends from church about this or the OMW. I agree with the OMW, I really do not need to talk to her, but, by telling me that I cannot talk to my church friends she is taking away a big part of my support.
I just need to keep doing what is best for me and my DD's. I cannot worry about what my W is doing.
When she does bring up relationship talk is there any way you can change the conversation? Try asking a question about something else in her life. Aim at friendship and light conversation.
I don't think you should have to break all of this to your daughters. My personal feeling here is that the one who wants the divorce should be the one who first explains it to the kids. Maybe you can be in the room with her. Let her explain and then once they know you can both offer reassurances and love. I have to warn you. This can be heartbreaking. I had my husband do it. I felt it was important for him to see and experience the result of this choise.
I can understand your "outsider" feelings with the inlaws. I experienced that during my divorce. Don't let it bother you. They probably feel uncomfortable and uncertain how to act around you. Try not to feel too bad about it. Use those feelings as a good reason to expand your circle of friends.
Have you tried looking into a local support group for separated/divorced people? Sometimes it's really nice to have the support of other people in the same situation. Although, try to stay wise and not get involved in any relationships beyond being good aquaintances (at least not until a divorce is final and you feel healthy and healed), some of that lifestyle is not the healthiest ... but you do need fun and friendship, and it's good to see there is a life out there if your wife doesn't "wake up."
So.... I forgot if you are doing this.... but are you working out at the gym? Buying some new clothes that help you look "hunky"? Being "busy" and slightly mysterious? GALing? 180s??? (This is probably what I should have done more of when my husband first told me he was going to file).
Is there a lot of tension when you and your wife are together? Or are you both pretty relaxed and friendly?
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
I can try to change the subject to something a little more lighter. But I feel that this is me ignoring the sitch and putting things off. My W has made it clear that she is not willing to live like we currently are and wants to start the transition. I do not want to sit back and let her have her way, this is how it always has gone, I want want to make sure that I protect myself and my girls as best as I can.
I do not workout nearly as much as I would like to. When I am home I spend as much time with my girls as I possible can, this does not leave a whole lot of time for me to workout. When I do not have the girls I am staying busy - GALing. I have bought some new clothes, which got me positive comments from my W. I do need to put back on some positive weight. I lost 30+ pounds because of a loss of appetite and with a little effort I can put on some muscle weight. Maybe this will have a positive impact on my R maybe it will not. I feel no matter what I do I cannot change her heart. She has to do this for herself. I'm just going to keep praying that she will have a change of heart and choose our family.
As for the tension between us there was a lot. Now it seems since my W has made up her mind on exiting our M the amount of tension has decreased drastically. As for us being friendly I try but I get no response from her. She is cold to me and blames me for the majority of our sitch.
I should also mention that since my email the otherday to my W were I described my part in our sitch she is asking me if I have been telling people this. Again she does not want to look like the bad guy she is looking for me to fall on the sword. No matter what happens my W is the one breaking up our family not me. I just have to deal with the shattered pieces as best as I can.
Your advice about having my W talk to our 5D is good. When the time comes I will ask her to have that conversation. I won't have the initial conversation but will be there to support my DD.
Well I know that I should not be looking..... but my W is keeping her word about filing for something this week. She called and talked to her lawyer this morning.
This really sucks... 1/3 of my life I have spent with my W trying to give her all that I had...now I am coming up on the shortend of the stick.
ERC, our situations are so similar I could almost be reading my own posts.
My 6 year old has started asking lots of questions, like "why do you sleep downstairs". I don't even know what to answer. I think i'll use the advice here and make my wife explain it. I'm not taking the blame here though, and i'm not lying to my kids.
My wife isn't angry at me anymore. She was, now she is angry with our situation. She gets frustrated very easily by me now. I wonder what she'll be angry with next. She is "in love" with the guy - 9 years her junior, and wants to get in a position to see him. So being stuck 'in limbo' as she puts it drives her crazy. I know it doesn't do me any good either, my heart is held together with bandaids. I just want to put my arms around her.
She frames everything as in she was in a bad marriage when it comes to talking to me or her friends. But when i slip and snoop I find the real evidence. She has fallen for him, and him her. Its the real reason she can't devote to us. Not because of any 'fundemental issues' between us.
It hurts so bad, i'm not sure what to do next. There were a lot of positives in our relationship recently, and my wife saw them, and then one night she just laid it out straight. I think in her heart she sees how good I am, and she likes being with me. But, with all the time we spent together, she tried to force herself to think about staying together and it made her 'sick'. I need to give her lots of space. I guess i need the space too.
I'm getting to the point where i'm just angry. She betrayed me and our family due to her selfish desires. She took her vows of for better or for worse for granted. She thinks she has a perfect life of happiness ahead of her once she moves. She wants to move, she thinks life will be better, then i'm going to let her. But i'm not making it easy. If she wants out easy, i want 60% and she can have whats left.
You should talk to your church friends if you need the support. If its not meant to hurt her, then she will just have to deal with it. Do whats best for you, not for her.
I can try to change the subject to something a little more lighter. But I feel that this is me ignoring the sitch and putting things off.
What would be wrong with ignoring the sitch and putting things off? Why should you rush if you don't want the divorce????
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My W has made it clear that she is not willing to live like we currently are and wants to start the transition. I do not want to sit back and let her have her way, this is how it always has gone, I want want to make sure that I protect myself and my girls as best as I can.
I'm not sure what you mean by sitting back and letting her have her way. Of course you need to protect yourself and your kids. First make sure you have the best lawyer possible (I had a much better one than my husband), and read up on the laws in your state so that you are fully prepared. By the way, don't sign anything until your lawyer sees it (that's what my lawyer told me. He basically took care of everything). Even though I was dragged into a divorce I didn't want, that didn't mean I didn't position well and make sure that if it went through the kids and I would be fully protected (I took down dates, negative behaviors, learned about my rights, etc...), but... I stillI DBed, worked on building a friendship with my husband, dragged my heels and didn't fill out paperwork until I absolutely had too (I was just too busy living my life to take care of that trivial stuff!!!). Any time my husband would grumble about the time it was taking for the divorce to go through I'd happily reassure him, "Oh, gosh... these things take time. Don't worry everything will be over soon." I was so supportive... although I also was taking everything as SLOWLY as possible.
I understand that the time frame can differ widely depending on your state. Fortunately, in California things can take time. I was also prepared to ask for unrealistic things to force the divorce to take even longer.
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I lost 30+ pounds because of a loss of appetite and with a little effort I can put on some muscle weight. Maybe this will have a positive impact on my R maybe it will not.
You don't do this for her and the relationship. You do this for you. Looking great will help you like yourself better. Looking great and feeling good about yourself will make you a woman-magnet and there's a slight chance your wife will notice this (she may not), but it's not for her. It's for you.
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As for the tension between us there was a lot. Now it seems since my W has made up her mind on exiting our M the amount of tension has decreased drastically. As for us being friendly I try but I get no response from her. She is cold to me and blames me for the majority of our sitch.
Good, the tension is over. That's the first step towards reestabishing a friendship. Her coldness is because she has made a decision and doesn't want to have feelings towards you. Expect that to continue for a good while. Melting an iceberg can take time. Separation can be helpful.
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I should also mention that since my email the otherday to my W were I described my part in our sitch
Ooooh, don't do that anymore. No relationship talk!!! No blame, no logic, you just smile and be supportive (although that does not mean giving in on any legal matters... just smile and say your lawyer will handle that).
Are you guys currently still living together?
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
Yes, we are currently under the same roof playing house mates. She is still doing work around the house, buying groceries, and planning her summer here at our home. She is just planning to move on by the end of summer. That is why I feel I have a few more months of this arangement.
I agree the getting fit is for me and I do feel much better when I workout regularly. Working out used to be a big part of my life, I just need to make the effort to make it apart of it again. I really have no excuse I have a gym in my basement.
As for getting a real good lawyer there is one more that I need to sitdown with. Even so I think that I have her in this department. Another thing is that since my W has been a stay at home mom for my kids entire lives and the fact that she is a good mom, I really do not stand much of a chance getting primary custody. When it comes to custody and each others involvement in our kids lives we agree, we just disagree where their primary residence should be. I want them, she wants them.
From our conversation the last night the way she was talking I would have our kids for almost half the year. I just worry that as my kids get older and are more involved in school and other activities that they are going to naturally stay with my W more often. This is a fear of mine.
As for tonight I saw my W briefly, we where cordial with each other, and then she was off to work. I played with my girls on their new slip and slide. We then looked at our pictures from this last weekend and I gave them baths. Now they are snug in bed and I have to deal with the puppy(My W keeps asking me if I want the puppy, WTH).
ERC, Glad you had a nice evening with your DDs. However, you need a bit of a 2x4 here. So here it comes!
Your W needs to get the message, loud and clear, that you are doing what you need to do to make you and your DDs happy and secure. What she wants is of very little, if any concern to you! This business of her insisting that you do not tell people about the sitch is nonsense.
I have told many of my friends about the sitch. My W told some common friends and they all think she is nuts and regularly tell me so. Even two of HER friends approached me last weekend and told me that she is off the deep end (and I am sure that they don't know the real story!). THIS is why your W doesn't want you to tell people!
Just one word of caution, telling common friends will complicate things, so think hard before you talk to them. Also, don't confide in common friends as they then get put in between the two of you and this is no good for you, them, nor your sitch. Choose close male friends who can understand and encourage you in your sitch.
OK, 2x4 done. Hope you can get something from it!
Be strong for you and your DDs. W will do what she needs to do and anyway she will never respect you if you cannot stand up to her!
(((ERC)))
SD
Me 41 W 41 Kids: S9 S7 Married 16 years Bomb dropped 2/2/07 Still living together! current thread
Thanks SD... I do need a good swift whack upside my head from time to time. I have to take her totally out of the equation and think only about what is best for me and my DD's.
When it comes to confiding in friends I have only a few guys that I have told everything to. Everyone else I think knows a little about what is going on and they try to get me to say more. I just tell them that we are having problems and that it does not look good for us. I have stayed away from common friends....ok I have stayed away from the friends that she is talking to. I really do not want to make a bad name for the mother of my children, but, I will defend myself from accusations.
Ok I am going to vent a little.... My W except for her family has surrounded herself with people that have their own problems. Her one good friend just this fall was having an A, her second, and my W talks to her multiple times a day. I do not know what is said except the little that my W has shared with me. As you might imagine it does not appear to me like she is giving stay in your M advice. She is also not coming down on my W like my W did to her in the fall. Yes, that is right. My W came down hard on this friend this past October because she was having an A. Her other girl friend that she talks to on a daily basis is in the same sitch as me. Her H is walking out on her for another woman. So my W is her support and it makes my W feel good that she can be there for her. I doubt that her friend knows everything about what my W is doing. She was also in MOPs this past year and there were atleast three other M in the group were one of the S's wanted to walkout in their M. This is my W support group, her counselor who from what my W is telling me is supporting her in leaving me, friends with messed up M's and her family. I think her family is the group that has really tried to get her to stay and work on our M. Now I think that they are just afraid of my W and are just trying to be supportive of her no matter what. I have been painted as the big bad wolf in their eyes. Which is total crap. This past Christmas she was telling me and her family how happy she was and could not wait for the next ten years. How quickly things change.
And while I am at it, another thing that gets me worked up is the fact that she is using her faith to justify her actions. No where in the bible does it say that it is ok to commit adultery or break up your family because you feel like it. From what I have read Christ saves, and restores.
Ok I am done now. Thanks again for the hit upside the head.
Unfortunately, I do think friends or family members who are having marital problems or affairs can have a big impact on this. An interesting book I read prior to my divorce was one called "Uncoupling." Its a fascinating book (research based) about how relationships dissolve or uncouple. I used it as a map for what not to do. But one chapter talks about the various support systems (friends, affairs, etc...) that contribute to the uncoupling. Without this type of support it's not so likely to occur.
One more good book: "Getting Back Together." Even though you're headed for divorce and may not get in the "back together" stage (which is where I was! My husband was COMPLETELY finished with the marriage and is also a person who never changes his mind. Heck, he's a scientist!!!). This book helped give me a very different view of separation. It helped me see that separation can be very healthy and healing.
Anyhow, I know you have little time, but now's the time to "inhale" relationship books. Learn everything you can about relationships, marriage and women. Even if you can't save the one you have now, at least you'll be an even more amazing boyfriend/husband to someone in the future. I know you don't want to think that now (and you don't have to think about that yet... I don't believe a marriage is over until those last papers are signed). But just focus on you and working toward being an even more fabulous, great guy. You have nothing to lose and there's always the little possibility your wife will consider.. hummm.. maybe I'm making a mistake here.... All you need is just a little doubt. That's a good start (that and friendship!).
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
