When she does bring up relationship talk is there any way you can change the conversation? Try asking a question about something else in her life. Aim at friendship and light conversation.
I don't think you should have to break all of this to your daughters. My personal feeling here is that the one who wants the divorce should be the one who first explains it to the kids. Maybe you can be in the room with her. Let her explain and then once they know you can both offer reassurances and love. I have to warn you. This can be heartbreaking. I had my husband do it. I felt it was important for him to see and experience the result of this choise.
I can understand your "outsider" feelings with the inlaws. I experienced that during my divorce. Don't let it bother you. They probably feel uncomfortable and uncertain how to act around you. Try not to feel too bad about it. Use those feelings as a good reason to expand your circle of friends.
Have you tried looking into a local support group for separated/divorced people? Sometimes it's really nice to have the support of other people in the same situation. Although, try to stay wise and not get involved in any relationships beyond being good aquaintances (at least not until a divorce is final and you feel healthy and healed), some of that lifestyle is not the healthiest ... but you do need fun and friendship, and it's good to see there is a life out there if your wife doesn't "wake up."
So.... I forgot if you are doing this.... but are you working out at the gym? Buying some new clothes that help you look "hunky"? Being "busy" and slightly mysterious? GALing? 180s??? (This is probably what I should have done more of when my husband first told me he was going to file).
Is there a lot of tension when you and your wife are together? Or are you both pretty relaxed and friendly?
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
