COG, my dear friend - your words brought me to tears and I thank you for touching that part of my heart
You will never know how much your encouragement and prayers keep me strong and I can't thank you enough for that.
Bless you
Heywyre
M - 57 H - 65 1st A-bomb - Nov 27/02 2nd A-bomb - Dec 13/06 together 21 years *************************** Insanity is doing something over and over and expecting different results (Albert Einstein)
I'm one of those who say "cheat once and you're out", and I firmly believe I would go through with it. Not because I couldn't forgive (I probably could, depending on the circumstances) but because I know my partner would never respect me again if I let him get away with it. Because he would never have let me get away with it, and I know it. Our relationship would, henceforward, be founded on weakness, and that's not a relationship worth having.
I'm open to the possibility there are men out their who are genuinely grateful for a "second chance", and do not think less of their partners for giving it to them. I'm open to the possibility that Mr Greeneyedlass and Mr Heywyre are just such people. I certainly do wish Greeneyedlass and Heywyre the best of luck, because they are both wonderful women.
You can't know how you would act, unless you've walked in another's shoes.
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Not because I couldn't forgive (I probably could, depending on the circumstances) but because I know my partner would never respect me again if I let him get away with it.
I think what you really mean is that you would never respect yourself again because there is no way you can predict how your partner would react.
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Our relationship would, henceforward, be founded on weakness, and that's not a relationship worth having.
It would be founded on humility, not weakness, although many tend to see them both the same. Humility actually requires more strength and courage than most of us have.
God Bless the struggle,
COG
My Story http://www.divorcebusting.com/forum...&Number=660444&page=2#Post660444
SG,You can't know how you would act, unless you've walked in another's shoes.
True enough. Which is why I prefaced it with "I firmly believe". And I do "firmly believe". My situation isn't yours, or Heywyre's . There are different people involved. I also firmly support Heywyre's decision, because she knows herself, her h, and her sitch better than anyone else could.
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I think what you really mean is that you would never respect yourself again because there is no way you can predict how your partner would react.
I know my partner extremely well, enough to not only accurately predict how he would react, but also how he would feel about it. You don't know us, so you can't know what I know. Make sense? *smile*
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It would be founded on humility, not weakness, although many tend to see them both the same. Humility actually requires more strength and courage than most of us have.
No, it would be weakness. In my case. Not yours. Not Heywyre's. I don't think Heywyre is at all weak for staying. I'm only speaking about me.
Sometimes I feel like I have stayed b/c of weakness, but when I'm truly honest w/ myself and dig deep, I realize that it's not all b/c I may be "scared" to be w/o H. I just looked at my little boys and decided that, yes, it was H's CHOICE to cheat and no, he didn't communicate how unhappy he was to me in order for me to try to "fix" things, but I am wiling to give this M a run for it's money and actually put some effort into it and not just live day to day like we had been. I'm willing to believe that, if I step up to the plate and be the W I truly can be to H, if he CHOOSES to cheat again, he's gone b/c there was obviously nothing I can or could have done to change that -- he's just a cheater. BUT on the other hand, if I start treating my M w/ the respect it deserves (whether he did or not -- well, he obviously didn't), and that's not enough, well, at least I gave it a shot. I understand that H's decision to cheat was not based solely on my transgressions in the M, however, I needed to give our M a go from a totally different POV than I had been in order to know whether it could be saved or not.
I know this won't make sense to some, it kind of makes me doing all the work while H is the one who cheated, but trying to save my M was something I had to at least try to do and see if we could be good again before I could kick him to the curb.
Anyway, not trying to hijack Hey's thread, but just continuing the discussion on why some of us choose to stay after a H cheats.
Me: 38 H: 35 S4, S5, S10 Bomb 01/07 Wanted D - nothing would change his mind Numerous A's prior to D bomb; EA prior/during D bomb Piecing 04/07 Deployed for a year 05/07 Still Piecing 2010 M 11 yrs 05/10
I know this won't make sense to some, it kind of makes me doing all the work while H is the one who cheated, but trying to save my M was something I had to at least try to do and see if we could be good again before I could kick him to the curb.
That's absolutely right CM and there is no one who can tell you differently. If you threw in the towel before you were ready to do so, you would never forgive yourself. I know myself that I would feel more of a coward to run from this situation than to fight to the bitter end in order to save my M - I think it is worth the effort, unfortunately a lot of people take the easy way out (IMHO)but find out later that they're sorry for not giving it more of an effort.
Heywyre
M - 57 H - 65 1st A-bomb - Nov 27/02 2nd A-bomb - Dec 13/06 together 21 years *************************** Insanity is doing something over and over and expecting different results (Albert Einstein)
Humility actually requires more strength and courage than most of us have.
Oh, how true this statement is - good one COG my friend
Heywyre
M - 57 H - 65 1st A-bomb - Nov 27/02 2nd A-bomb - Dec 13/06 together 21 years *************************** Insanity is doing something over and over and expecting different results (Albert Einstein)
Cadesmom .. the only person who needs to be happy with your decision is you. For what it's worth, I think your decision is honorable, but it doesn't really matter what I think. It's not staying with someone that cheated that would be "weak" in my case, it's staying with someone who wouldn't respect me for staying. It's a fine distinction, but an important one. At least, it is for me and my sitch.
Staying with someone who doesn't respect you for any reason is not a recipe for long-term happiness. They'll either have to change their perception, or you'll have to change your behavior, or you'll eventually be forced to conclude that you are at an impasse and it's best to part ways.
Finding that the only way to keep the respect of the one you love is to cut them out of your life... that's a pretty nasty Catch-22.
a fine and enviable madness, this delusion that all questions have answers, and nothing is beyond the reach of a strong left arm.
SG - I TRULY understand where you are coming from. As a matter of fact, I have to say I thought the same until I was put in a much more vulnerable position - one in which I had to make that decision.
My H has always held me on some kind of pedestal (very common for M/W I am now discovering - but that's another story) and told me how much he respected me, how strong I was - blah blah blah. I have always thought "if this happened to me", staying would reduce me to a blubbering mass of weakness and disrespect in his eyes and he would never respect me again.
What I found out, much to my surprise, is that it was quite the opposite. I did the last thing he expected me to do - STAY!
But, of course, you have to do what is right for you - no one else.
Heywyre
M - 57 H - 65 1st A-bomb - Nov 27/02 2nd A-bomb - Dec 13/06 together 21 years *************************** Insanity is doing something over and over and expecting different results (Albert Einstein)
