My heart has been completely torn apart

[I_Surrender]

So today's Journal
Last night we went to a concert. On the walk from the car to the concert, W resisted holding hands. While the opening act was on, W looked tense so I gave her a neck, upper back massage. During the stage change, I asked her about her work. She talked quite a bit about her job, stresses etc. On the way home from the concert she did want to hold hands.

This morning I get the feeling that the goodbye kiss was a "half open door." So anyway, we'll see.

This will be a big week for me, with counseling tomorrow after work.
I have emailed a possible new platonic female friend, who I will meet sometime this week. I do not know how W will react, but I will be honest, tell her, and let the cards fall where they may.
I most definitely to not seek a "new relationship" so I don't know if the female friend concept is a good idea, for me.
I am also planning on hooking up with some male acquaintances, to see if I can make some friends.

In counseling, I hope to find out a little more about what I want in a future relationship. There is a wish list which I have, for my ideal partner. When I say ideal, I don't mean perfect, because I am not perfect. There are just some serious things in our relationship which I would hope could be different.
I can count on one hand the amount of times W has initiated sex in the last 10 years. We did talk about it at our previous counseling. Nothing has changed.
I would love W to be a more sexual person, as I am more sexual.
I would love W to initiate being a more kind & loving person. I don't know if that is her personality, so I don't think I can ask that of her.
I would love W to be a less angry soul, and be more positive about life. Again, this may just be who she is.
I fear being with an angry person when I get older. I want life to be a pleasurable experience. I am sometimes in a cranky mood, but I have learned to take it easy, and look for a more positive take on daily situations.
I have some health issues. I need someone who is supportive of these. I don't want someone to baby me or to be patronizing. I just need them to understand some days there are special coping methods I use to live day to day. This is a difficult issue for W. Again it may simply be a personality trait.
I don't know if she loves me the way I love her. I think I am a security blanket for her, and she needs that. I get a sense that she loves me less.

I have begun to look at how poor I will be financially if we separate. I feel that I have to get a complete grasp on this. Is it worth losing all what we have together? Do I forgo dreams to accept shortcomings in what I perceive our relationship to be.

I have decided that I most certainly have issues which may have contributed to W wanting to stray. I will be committed to improving myself and learn from this.

Possibly she is in MLC and menopause, and seeks the reassurance from the world that she is still attractive. I really don't know. I am concerned about this. I get a real sense, that although she is trying very hard to not contact other men or OM on her cell phone at night etc. that she still longs for this.
She has anger for me which boils under the surface, because I talked to our older two children about me wanting a D. Still, I perceive that she is an unhappy, unfulfilled soul. Perhaps she believes that I have taken something from her.

Even though I am not sure, I think that this time around I need to be more aware than ever about my senses and feelings of where both of us are in the relationship. I feel that if I had stuck to my guns in our first counseling session, we would not be here right now. I feel that if I had paid attention to signals, I should have known what was going on.

Anyway like I said, a big week, this week.