I'm no veteran of piecing. In my sitch is was easier to deal with things in the midst of crisis (OM in picture)than afterward. There was a strange "honeymoon" stage after she broke up with OM, which lasted 2-3 weeks. Then... when I told her I didn't want to buy a house with her until our relationship was more solid and that she needed to get tested for STD, she blew a gasket and wanted a separation. We are now getting ready to rent a beautiful house and we'll see what happens. She's not pushing for separation at this point, though she's obviously going through some depression issues.
Here's my 2 cents:
1. Your husband is grieving the loss of OW. This takes time. Listen, validate feelings, dont judge. Pray that you will be able to grieve with him. I know this sounds sick, but God gave me that gift. His feelings are normal. My wife would sit in bed in a "coffin" pose saying there's "no point to anything at all" after she broke up with OM.
2. By the way, he had a choice to give up OW. He could have stayed with her. He's a big boy. He can't blame "his family, friends and society" for trapping him. That's so freaking immature.
2. Your husband is depressed. Guilt, shame, grief, confusion. It's all hitting him. His IC needs to help him navigate that. The truth is, HB, the issues that led to the affair are still there. This is about him, not you, remember? An affair is a poor way to sort out your depression/MLC. When he deals with this, he'll feel better about a lot of other things. In other words, he needs "to get a life." Don't panic.
3. Don't be clingy, don't plead, cry around him and don't chase. You must still present yourself as the best option. His other options are: the OW or being single.
4. Back to basics. You are being too nice to him. Practice mild forms of the Last Resort Technique. Even if he moves back, you need to detach and make him wonder what life would be like without your constant love. He's always known he's had it. Even when you helped him move out. That was smart. However, you seem to overcompensate by "killing him with kindness". Well, yeah, you might have guilted him into coming back. You need to *attract* him back. Attracting him back means you don't need him anymore. It means you will be fine without him. It means your core persona is not defined by your relationship with him. He needs to wonder who is this intriguing person? Right now, he feels you are the same loyal, loving, ever-present, ever-willing to be walked on person. Your making him move out showed some backbone. Now show him some if he moves back.
5. Back to GAL activities. I would venture tp try things that are unusual for you. Things that make you feel strong, powerful, in control, sexy, attractive. Bellydancing? Voice lessons? Kung Fu? Things that put you in full control of your body. Things that make you "glow" when you are going them.
6. What if he comes back and leaves again? What if you get so mad at him that you end up having an affair? What if? What if? You can't live on what ifs. Do you want him back in the house or not? It's that simple. Let God take care of the what ifs.
7. Be prepared for anger and rage on your part. It's natural. It healthy. It might help you regain your self-esteem. More on this in pont #9.
8. You've probably read "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass. I recommend "After the Affair" by Springer. It's written for both parties in an affair and has excercizes to help you both figure our how to get past it. I suggest you read it first and, if you like it, go through it with him. It's fair to both parties (unfaithful and offended spouse).
9. You closed you post saying you "fear losing him." It's good your honest about this here. Our fears kill us don't they? Our spouses can smell the fear and it feeds the recklessness and power they have over us. the fear makes us unattractive and repels our spouses. As long as you fear losing him, he'll have all the power in this relationship. As long as you fear losing him, you'll never truly detatch and have the emotional freedom to truly attract him. Look, HB. What are you afraid of? He's done his worst. You've been through the worst. You only stand to gain. I also have my fears. I'm rapidly losing them because, to some extent, I'm pissed off as hell. Sometimes healthy anger helps us see clearly and draw boundaries. You might need a calm way of saying to him, "Don't f*ck with me anymore."
