Coming out of our "entitlement" ruts?

[**zuzu**]

Here's the thing, I am on Zoloft. H recommended it around January (right about the time he met OW at a conference). I started 50 mg (of a generic version) around Feb. 1st. The weird thing is, when I felt that way, I felt like I had NOT taken my pill that day or something. (although from what I understand it is the type of med that stays in your body longer and daily variations should not cause a flux). I was irritable, moody, short of patience, emotional, etc. I am almost tempted to ask if I could up my dosage, but don't want to overmedicate myself and feel NOTHING, plus I've heard it causes a lowered sex drive, which I don't think would be good for us! So I don't know what to do or how to explain what was going on that day (those couple of days). When I say, I was almost suicidal, it was like I could not stop thinking about it, even though I don't desire doing that, have no intention of doing anything like that and would never "leave" my kids. But I kept kind of fantasizing about the "attention" if that's the right word that doing it would bring. I can't bring it up to my C b/c I know she would "report" it, whatever that means.

Anyhow, here's what happened in my cut off post...this is the situation that kind of brought on the depressed feelings (and similar situations sometimes bring on similar feelings).

We had had a decent day, (I had gone up and kissed him earlier in the evening and said, "Wanna reconnect later?" he said yes.) We were trying to get the kids to bed and he asked me to go look at a book with her for a minute. I guess I was unclear whether he was coming back in to her or not. (He was with baby boy-who has an ear infection.) She said she didn't want me to read, she wanted Daddy to read. I said calmly that Daddy was with Baby Brother, but she stil didn't want me to read, so I left her room. I was hurt. I went back in a few minutes and tried again and she sort of let me read to her. I kissed her goodnight. When H came out, I told him what happened and how hurt I was, not because of that one situation, but after the same type of thing happens SEVERAL times in a day. I was crying and I said, "I can't take it anymore!!" in a low voice so she wouldn't hear. He responded in a way that basically just made me feel worse. He said, "Why don't you try not responding in anger, because that just makes it worse." I got immediately defensive and said, "You are assuming I did, when I didn't." He said that's not what he meant. (I still disagree, but he got REALLY angry trying to convince me and said I wasn't listening to what he was saying.) I was looking at him, so mad at me, and I felt like I just NEEDED him, and I was bawling and said, "You don't understand how all this makes me feel. You have no idea. I have noone. I have nothing." He looked at me with this indignant face and said, "You have noone? You have nothing." He scoffed and walked off. I wanted to explode. I tried to talk to him about it more later, but he kept repeating that I wasn't listening to what he had to say. It was only getting worse, so I gave him the analogy of the stubbed toe and said, "This was not about you - this was about me feeling hurt. You tried to tell me that I needed to be nicer to her, which implies I am causing it. I am going to put her to bed when it's bedtime, I am going to have fun with her when it's playtime and I'm going to discipline her when she needs it! I do NOT feel that it is YOUR fault or that you have caused it or that YOU need to fix it. I would like for you to be supportive when I am hurt by it though."

We BOTH recognize a bond between our D and H. It is a good thing, except like you said, NOP, at times, it shuts me out. H tries to counteract it, but often we theorize that she "needs her Daddy cup filled," so we intentionally planned a fair amount of that this weekend. (Actually, he just left for work and she wanted NOTHING to do with me this morning and cried when he left.) We have done Daddy/Daughter dates and made a big deal about it, and done the same with me. (Mommy/Daughter dates), but lately, she has started using our terminology and when I will try and join in a play activity, she'll say, "Mommy, I love you, but I just really want to play with Daddy." She will actually ask me to leave. She wants Daddy to strap her in her seat. She won't cooperate for me, but will for him. UGH! Yesterday, she came to give me a hug and said "I came to give you a hug - Daddy told me to." We are trying, but it seems a lot of what we do backfires. I am a teacher with a Master's degree for goodness sakes. I feel like I should be able to figure this out, but it seems nothing I do helps. My best instinct (and Joey's advice) is to be more of the "fun parent" but that's not really me. I'm the one giving the vitamins, making sure she eats her vegetables, limiting tv time, making her get a Kleenex, etc. We try to keep these balanced, for instance, we'll all 4 be in a store and he'll say, "go tell her to get back over here!" I'll say, no, I discipline her all day long, you go do it." and he will. It never seems to make a difference.

Ok, I am sorry this is so rambling. I never have time to edit like I would like to. Gotta get back to the kiddos. Thank you VERY much for the advice. I am listening and I am reading and I am trying.