Creed, it is so good to see your post, it felt like "home" when I saw your name.
I think you'll enjoy having someone around, even though you have become used to having the place all to yourself. Hearing the tidbits about your xh will somehow become mundane, as they have with me. Oh, every once in a while, I catch something coming from the kids that causes me to laugh out loud, but for the most part, I find most of the information confirms xh is really a lost soul with his head deeply planted up his arse. Just like the volleyball team, unless of course it is an "over the hill gang" your xh is simply going to look like a fool in MLC.
You sound great! I hope you come back more often to let us know how you are doing.
Take care of you, God Bless
Love,
Laughing
Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you.........
Good to hear from you. I agree w/ mermaid, perhaps there will be some positives to s joining you.
Volleyball, eh? Hope his knees hold up! Obviously H is still in replay, no surprise there. Now repeat after me, "Uh-huh. That's interesting." That's all you have to say when you hear one of those unwanted "tidbits." Every time. And then change the subject!
Mermaid, Laughing and Karen.. You can't believe the feeling of warmth and 'family' I had reading your responses. I do miss not being here as much as in the beginning..and feeling the sense of understanding and compassion that you all are so great in sharing.
Over the Hill Gang...LMAO!! Wouldn't it be great if that's what it is called? But you know what? That's what I'M going to call if at anytime one of the boys bring it up! I doubt very much that it is a team made up of his age-group. There aren't too many 50-somethings that have the energy or reason at the end of a working day..let alone the 'good' knees. Heck, he was complaining about his knees hurting before he ever left home! Me? I'm kind of hoping he gets an ache or two..would serve him right. Yes..replay..big time. A dear friend said that it sounds like he's a very sad/lonely boy, and no amount of Twinkies can/will change that. Perhaps she's right. I've always prayed that he'd have a very large void in his life until he filled that void with what he really needed in his life..and that can't be given by any person/place/thing. That has to come from within and beyound. I think he's always had an empty place in his soul, and foolishly I kept trying to fill it for him. Can't do that. So he's on this journey supposedly fulfilling all his lifelong desires and needs. He may find that he still feels empty-handed in the end.
I love s with all my heart, but he has been a heartache emotionally and financially the past couple of years. I have to practice some tough love with him, or he'll drag me down with him. And it has to start the first day that he starts living here. He already knows that I love him and am here for him..but he also has to know that I won't put up with lies and foolishness..that he has to start 'growing up', and quit thinking the world with magically take care of him and straighten out the messes he gets himself into.
How have all of you been? I'm so out of the loop. I'd love for all the old-timers to post on here, and fill me in on how they're doing. So many names aren't here anymore..do they come back and lurk like I do, I wonder?
I still have no social life, but my work schedule is like a rollercoaster, and getting on here with any regularity just seems impossible most days. Hopefully something will change on that front, but I'll still be lurking if not. May have to start a new thread, this ones is looking a little strung out and may be locked soon.
I guess if I can say anything about what I've noticed through all of this ..right through the divorce and since...is that all the signs still lead to a person struggling to recapture youth and missed opportunities that marriage/family/home stole from him. And I still see a person that is clueless as to what they've done, what they've missed, and what they've got to face in the future. So for new posters...if your intuition is telling you it's MLC, I'd tend to tell you to believe your gut feeling..and then step back, because there isn't much you can fix except yourself, and your own life. You can't 'fix' the spouse. He isn't on this journey alone..he/she has millions of other travellers going down the same path, making the same choices and mistakes, leaving the same damage and destruction along the way. And eventually the majority reach the destination, and probably wonder how the heck they got there..and why they took the trip in the first place, because the grass there isn't looking any different than the grass they left behind!!(Except maybe much more used by previous lost souls!!) I would imagine there are some very stinking weeds there too.
Love to you all..please be kind to yourselves, and thank you for being there for me through all of this. You all are part of the silver lining I found passing through my personal storm and beyond.
Women are angels. And when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly...on a broomstick. We are flexible
I still lurk too sometimes, especially to check in on any of the old gang!
I'm sorry that it has got to the d stage for you, but you do sound strong and at peace.
Life has been very hard for me recently, lots of family illness, but I'm okay too.
Xh is still in touch. I asked him to stop regular contact last October, so now he just e mails occasionally, very sweet and friendly. Whatever. He uses extreme mountain biking to give him that sense of youthfulness and daring, although he has seemed pretty down in recent months and is not getting the buzz from it he once did. As you say, the grass is not any greener for them until they face up to their own issues.
I too miss the warmth, understanding and companionship of this place. My xh's MLC is not of too much interest to me any more, but it is such a tragic and perplexing thing, and one which profoundly affects so many good people, that I remain interested in it, and am full of compassion for all those affected by it.
All blessings to you, and good luck with the boundary setting for your son.
Love,
Jaybeexxx
So you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul, instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers
It's so good to see your posting. I'm sorry you're going through a rough time right now. I know how family issues can all seem to happen at the same time..like an avalanche of pain and worry..and never-ending. I lost so many family members with the span of a couple of years that felt I was numb to anymore pain...then XH dropped the bomb. Nice timing, huh?
I'm like you. His MLC doesn't really interest me anymore, although I must admit it never ceases to amaze me how much it all seems in such a pattern with most. It's like confirmation each time 'they' do such dumb-arse things, you know? LOL I don't analyze as much, but it's still a habit I haven't broke completely. The last year has been trying to keep my own head above water, and trying to mend some of the damage this family has had visited upon them by his choices and actions. Unfortunately, we all know that there is little we can do but love our kids. It still just hurts thinking about what they've had to experience compared to what I experienced having two parents that stayed together and weathered the storms.
Thank you for wishing me luck with the boundaries. Me tends to think he's already second guessing his decision to move back in with dear old mom (snicker) We shall see, we shall see..
Take care, and I hope that you'll keep coming back and posting once in awhile too. Isn't it nice to catch up?
Women are angels. And when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly...on a broomstick. We are flexible
I was just thinking the other day how I hardly "know" anyone on the bb anymore, most people who were around when I first registered have fallen away over time . . . I used to spend a fair bit of time here but barely have time now to pop in on the "oldtimers" let alone learn others' stories, and there are so many, unfortunately. So it is nice to hear from folks from the past from time to time.
I don't really post much other than my own evolving thoughts, personal growth and "ah-ha" moments these days. Haven't heard from H in months, he finally (almost 3 years post-bomb) filed toward the end of last year, I didn't contest, and the D came thru some time this spring . . . I actually didn't even note it on my thread b/c it was such a non-event to me, meaningless -- I looked at the paper, said "Huh, how about that," or words to that effect, and stuffed it in a file which I promptly lost (oops!) so I don't even know the actual date on the judgment. It was all so anticlimactic . . . not the least bit emotional.
I don't have any vision of H ever returning to me and at this point I have doubts that I'll ever see him again in this life, barring running into him at a funeral or something (though I think I'd do him the courtesy of trying to avoid him and spare him a meeting, as I don't think he's remotely interested in being reminded that I still exist -- haven't heard a peep from him for months). Meanwhile I am truly enjoying my solo life. Despite this somehow I still truly love my H very much and often miss him but it does not pain me to love him, and I have recently gotten to the point of praying for him regularly again, simply praying for his happiness and that the Lord will guide H on the path that leads to God. For myself now I pray in thanks for everything I have (I have been so blessed!) and for God to keep taking care of me and to guide me to do his will whatever that may be and to prepare me for whatever He may have in store for me.
So that's my update. More on my thread but I know you don't have time. I really hope that eventually things will get back on enough of an even keel for you that you will be able to take some focus off work and start doing some things that are fun for you. Sometimes I feel like a kid who's just gone off to college tasting my freedom -- I'm a pretty responsible type but it does feel darn good to cut loose and have fun, and I do that as much as I (responsibly!) can.
About your s, it sounds like you've done a bit of thinking about this and need to sit w/ him and lay out some ground rules right at the start so everyone's expectations are aligned (b/c let's face it, it's expectations and things not meeting them that always gets ya in the end). Maybe charge him a bit of rent to keep him from getting too comfy (you could always put it into a separate interest-bearing account and return it to him later to use toward another home). Also I was reading in a magazine lately how common it is for 20- and even 30-somethings to move back home and how it can be helpful to set a date on which the arrangement will end and your kid will leave the nest -- keeps them focused and goal-oriented. Others here (parent types) may have other practical suggestions as well.
S has been back for about 2 weeks now, and it's not been a rose garden by any means. Now his old car has died, and that opens up another can of worms. He called his dad, but his dad only said he'd keep his eyes open for a replacement. No offer to go out car hunting, or help financing was forthcoming.
I have no clue as to sons employment..if it's secure, if it will ever turn into fulltime with benefits, and sometimes I wonder if it's even a job, or some story that he's sticking to.
In other words, although it's kind of nice having a warm body here again..it certainly is less than desired atmosphere. I have such doubt in whether I'm being told the truth about job, etc...and I hate feeling that way about one of my sons. They weren't raised that way.
I know he's trying to come off like a 'man', when his own self-confidence/esteem has taken such a beating...and when he had no real male role model during those late teen years, but still. I know it has to kill him to admit his mistakes, but isn't it better to be honest than to damage trust? Geesh...I sound like I'm talking about a MLC person!!!!!!!!!!
Anyway..I'm still hanging in, but trying to decide how best to handle this all. Believe me..praying is the first thing I did, and continue to do, and hopefully He will set both son and I down the right path soon!
Love to you all!
Women are angels. And when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly...on a broomstick. We are flexible
Is your S paying you some rent? If not it might at least be a good idea to ask him to pitch in for utilities/ groceries. You can phrase it as needing his help w/ them now that there are two of you there -- maybe letting him know he's needed and showing confidence he can help you out in small ways would improve his self-esteem? Also it might flush out any job/ salary issues he may be hiding. And this is the time (earlly on) to set boundaries -- don't let him start relying on you to pick up after him and do all the laundry, for instance -- or he'll NEVER leave!
It would help if S was gainfully employed, but at the moment , he's not. He quit his previous job because he was promised fulltime/permanent work at a large business here in town. My mom and I tried to tell him about this company, but of course, he went ahead and quit the job he had for a job he has yet to fully work at. This business is one of the largest in town, but also employs mainly parttime, seasonal help. It would have paid more per hour than his previous job, but has a horrible reputation as treating people like cat litter(easily discardable). So, right now, tonight..he's talking to some of his previous managers to see if he can get his feet back into his old job.
But it's been really tough for the both of us, because I can't hold my tongue 100% of the time..especially when he's so immature for his age. As my mom has said to me, he's like a lost soul. he just keeps drifting, not giving full thought as to what his actions will end up costing him.
When he DOES get a fulltime job, he knows that I'll be charging him 'rent'. It won't be much, but it will be enough that I can put it away, then give it back to him when he's ready to move on again. But first things first...and to be honest, the job market sucks big time around here. Commuting isn't an option, since his car has decided this is the right time for a swan song. His dad has been made aware of the car problem(s), but has not really made a commitment to help find/finance a replacement. Sigh.
He DOES do his own laundry, and once in awhile does the dishes/trash without my even dropping a hint. Picking up after himself? Hmmmmmmm... Not real proficient in that area yet! LOL
We had a hot air balloon festival here this last weekend. As I took off for work Sat am at 6:30, they were just rising from the fairgrounds. So beautiful and majestic. No sound to be heard..just the pilots hitting the burner to get them to rise. They were so low to the ground from where I saw them. I bet when you're up in one of them, you feel like you've left all your problems back on the ground. I don't know if I'd have the nerve to actually go up in one (without a parachute anyway), but they sure are nice to watch!
Thanks for your great advice Karen. You do have a good perspective of how me 'needing' him would help with his confidence level and self-esteem. I never thought about it from that angle before. I always thought I had to show him and his brother how self-sufficient I was without their dad around. I guess they probably have already figured that out with all the years that their dad dropped the ball around the house and around the family, but I bet I never let them know how much I need THEM in my life. I'm not the clingy type of mother, but I could at least let them know how important they are to me, and asking favors once in awhile might let them both know that we're still a family, and should be there for each other.
Women are angels. And when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly...on a broomstick. We are flexible
My goodness..it's been awhile since I've been here.
So many new names. I wonder where all the old-timers have gone? I guess many of us have accepted what was dealt to us, and learned (or are still learning) to start living our lives for ourselves.
It's been over a year now since the divorce was granted. XH is still with OW. I have only seen him once since the divorce in 2006..and we live in a very small town. Actually, I'm in retail, and I saw him in the store. I dont' think he saw me, but I'm sure he knew I'd be working. He was hunkered down by one of the display racks. When I saw him shopping, I just kind of looked at him, and realized that although it shook me a little, the feelings I feared I'd feel weren't there. It didn't shake me to my core like I had imagined. I guess I wish he'd do his (and her)shopping somewhere else in town, but I would imagine anytime she can get him there with her, and I'm working, it's a point for her. At this point, I don't really care. Just wish they'd take it somewhere else.
The holidays were fine here, although I did tend to go down memory lane more than I had the last couple of years. I think XH got together with one boy right before Xmas, and just got together with younger son this last week. XH had called a day before sons birthday and asked about getting together. THEN the day before their date, XH called and said it would be more convenient for him to get together that night, instead of on sons bday ..????????? Sigh. Guess Twinkie didn't want him to be away from her side that night..or maybe she was just a little bit jealous of him spending time with one of his sons.
All in all, we could be doing worse, but I wish we were doing better. It still seems as if the boys and I are all still at loose ends. It's been a major thing in our lives, and I guess I can't expect everything to fall into place. There has to be repairs made in all of ourlives.
Please keep your faith, LBS. Put your trust in God, and not in anyone else. I truly believe that His will will be the best for us, even if it's something we originally didn't want to accept. Work on strengthening your own self confidence, your own self worth, your own self-pride. Learn to do things for yourself that you never have before. Every step in that direction is a step in the direction of being more independent and surer of yourself. I bet pretty soon the people around you will start to notice the change too.
I've got so many things I want to change about my life, that I feel paralyzed at times. So I know I have to take teeny steps to start out, and then larger ones as I go along. Progress..slow by steady.
You're in my prayers..each of you
Women are angels. And when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly...on a broomstick. We are flexible
