Thanks for the encouragement. I really know to avoid R talk; it's just so hard sometimes. I actually made the decision to not speak R at all about a month ago ... where did that decision go?
I have a really difficult time "going dark" since H comes virtually every day to pick up our sons for school. Still, I'm going to try to limit interaction -- at least for this coming week.
It is okay to be friendly and say, 'Hello'. Then just be brief. Try to look your best and be brief. Look as if you are about to go somewhere nice. Just avoid and R talk or any pressure. Good Luck@!
When I talked to a DB coach - Jodi - she suggested I should treat H like a friendly neighbor. That seems a bit more than dark, but maybe I can find a nice medium.
Does the going dark change if I think H is in a depressed MLC? Do I need to try to give him some positive responses - not R but just inquiry? Anyone find anything that works when the WAH seems so determined to be alone and unhappy? (Or am I just being weak and wishing to throw bones tonight after being so angry and frustrated today. Boy, I REALLY love rollercoasters!)
I wish I had the answers. Here after I give you encouragement, I'm trying to catch my breath. I get these anxiety/panic attacks where I can't breathe. Went to the dr this week and got something for it, but all I want to do really is to call DH and tell him I miss him and I want him to come home. I would just go to bed, but I've got laundry to do since we were gone all day. As soon as I can get this load in the dryer, I'm out of here.
Your DB coach is right. Treat him like a friendly neighbor. How do you treat your neighbor? I usually wave or say hello to my neighbor. If they initiate any further talk, then I go with it. Do the same with your husband. He knows that you want this marriage. He knows how you feel. The ONLY thing that you can control is yourself. Stop trying to figure him out. Focus solely on your happiness and what you control. GAL...He will come back but you need to stop wasting time and focus on yourself.
Stop trying to do things on your own. A wise person learns from other people's advice. You can't do this your way. Listen to the wise people on the board.
A- Do you keep a journal? Maybe you could write in there everything you want to say to DH, but know you shouldn't?? I do that... that's where I tell him I love him!!
Laundry's done... dishes are done... I'm going to bed. Have a good night.
Ok, all of you wise ones, I will try to follow your leads. Just a kind hi and that's it besides organizing kid specifics (who's picking up whom, etc.). And I keep trying to GAL. This fall things get better -- I'm starting a new job teaching at the U -- but I have to make it through the summer. I'll keep calling the girlfriends...
And JustD -- I know that feeling so well. Go with anything your dr. gives you. I'm on anti-anxiety meds and I can't even imagine what I would be doing otherwise. They are a great help - think of them like glasses: if you have poor vision, you don't question the need for help. I hope you find the balance tonight and that tomorrow will be better!
I'll read more from the start later as time permits, but I caught your comment about how hard it is to go dark when you see him every day because of the kids. I am in exactly the same boat as you. I see my WAW every day, sometimes several times. As hard as it is for me (and Jazz can back me up on this) I do treat her like a friendly neighbor, other than we are talking about the kids. I do this even when her temper flares and she insults me, degrades me, and all that. At those times, as I have recently learned how to do, I just tell her I don't care for her to talk to me like that and leave.
This stuff if tough, and I'm not even close to getting the hang of it. Believe me on that one. I do know that my going dark in her presence (sounds strange, but....) has helped me calm down and be more settled. She is, I think, beginning to see that she cannot drag me into the same old arguements we once had (very recently I might add). Those buttons just don't seem to work for her anymore!
Good luck. DNQ
Me: 39 WAW: 40 S10, D7, S6 Bomb #1 - 12-24-06: Move out (ILYBNILWY - admitted '05 PA) Move back: 3-2-07 (W: I still want to be married to you) Bomb # 2 - 4-11-07: (W: Can't do this - never loved you) Move out again: 4-29-07 Dark: 6-8-07
Oh yeah, and welcome to the DB weight-loss club! Jazz and I have combined for over 100 pounds. Is there a ribbon for that? Perhaps a cocktail?
Understand this, he'll notice, but you may have to look for it. My wife has said NOTHING about me losing the weight. Yesterday, I was visiting "their" house (I had to move out, not wanted to) because the kids wanted me over to swim. I went into the kitchen just wearing my shorts to get some water. W says "I'd prefer that you not come in here without a shirt on". I know her and know what this meant. I've never been in good enough shape to walk around without a shirt on,but I am now after losing 55 pounds and lifting a lot of weights. She was reacting to my confidence, no doubt about it. Just the way she said it tells me that. Not only will the weight loss make you feel better, more confident, but it will be noticed.
