Why do these things happen

[789]

Hello Lin,
No I did not think you were questioning it, although I have many times over the years. Even during drunken episodes I never broke down, if nothing else I probably clamed up even more.

Yes, I did fall in love with her family also, and how functional and fun loving it was and enjoyed being around them. My parents are still married, but we never had much of a "family" if that makes any sense.

I sometimes just wish I could shake her and make her understand that even though I have put her thru alot. She really doesn't understand the pain I have been thru either. That I never did anything to intentionally hurt her or our M. I know I have no excuses, but it was not to make her life a living hell, even if I have been living thru one. I wish she would do some soul searching, some reading up on topics that might help her understand. But alas, it is still in my lap and my problem.
If she could just come to understand, to let me truly heal and see me as my true self, I know in my heart she could fall in love with me all over again. That between the two of us, we have so much potential to grow and be stronger and have the happy, healthy, and loving marriage I believe we both want.

Either way, I will overcome this. I just want her to be a part of the process in the long run.

One of the thoughts I have had many times in the last couple months is that if the things that had not happened way back then, I would not have made the choices I had, and if I had not, I would have never met her. I, for some reason still think that I would not want to change my past. Because of it, I met my best friend and W. If that was the curse I had to go thru, I don't think I would trade it.

Okay now I fricken crying, so much for a fricken 40 yr old male.