789...I do hope that you didn't feel I was questioning your being a victim...I totally believe that were/are...as is your wife in a second-hand way...and I suspected that her life was probably one that would make it hard for her to understand where you are coming from...probably one of the things that attracted you to her was her stable and loving family...you wanted a part of her life...the sad part was that didn't change what happened to you and it didn't help fix the broken you...
My H stuffed his feelings for many years like you as well...I can tell you honestly that the times he has broken down and poured it out to me....twice when he was drinking and once when he relapsed...I could really see his pain...
Your right...for now you can't do that with your W...but I can say that if you two get back together...you will need to share this with her...maybe in counseling if you can get her there...but either way it will be part of your healing to let it all out...
There was a show on Oprah (again, I don't watch these shows hardly ever) it was about a young man who got involved online with another man who started out befriending him...then eventually was paying him to perform on webcam for him...sending him money and gifts...on the surface some might think this young man had a choice...that he was a willing participant...but he was a victim....you see adults have a certain amount of control they can excercise...they can seduce and bring a young person under their control...while it might not be phyically painful for the young person...and there might even be some enjoyment...it is still very damaging psychologically...as you well know...because one day that young person is either caught...or they grow up...and then the fog lifts and they see how they were really used...how it wasn't love...or friendship...there wasn't anything genuine about that person...it was a perversion that was used against them...
So, yes I understand...I have my issues from my teens...not as bad as yours but I can relate...and it pains me even to this day when I recall it...so I know how you feel...I also see what my H is going through...thankfully I never got addicted to drugs or alcohol...although I did use them at times...but I understand...and I think you are doing a wonderful job...3 months is a milestone....that is the point when a counselor will start to talk about past issues with a recovering addict...that is because it is at this point that the RA is finally free of the drugs/alcohol that once controled his system....and this is when the mind starts to clearly see things as they are...
So you are doing great...I am very proud of you for what you have accomplished to this point...keep up the good work...and I also hope that your W will again join you on the yellow brick road....
