I have thought about it many times, she might feel betrayed, but she hasn't given me that feeling. It was mainly shock, but as time has gone on you are right she may be feeling that way. I do realize that she has been paying for it with my drinking for 10 years. Believe me, I know it is not any kind of excuse, and I have handled it all wrong for all these years, but I let the fear, the embarrasment, and all that comes with it rule my life for way to long. I wish I had the backbone then, and since then before it ever made it this far. As for her being confused on me being a victim, I do not know how to put it but I was the victim and I will not take responsiblity for it now, or then. I will beat it, I will overcome it finally, but I really did not have much of a choice once it got started.
The lady who came in was just in name only, not the person or to my knowledge even a relative.
My W has by all accounts, lived a charmed childhood, a very loving and close-knit family. They did all the things I wish I could have done growing up, or for that fact even today. At the current moment she has no desire for any kind of counseling. Even if I went out and found a good book about abuse, I know she would not even crack it open at the present time.
I agree, most addicts of any sort usually have some past that helped influence the begining of the downword spiral, and it is up to us same people to begin fixing ourselves, no one can do it for us, or for that fact they cannot even push us towards healing, we fight back !
I have taken the first baby steps in recovery, woohoo almost at 3 months. I believe in this same short time period I have really come to terms with the abuse. Not thrilled with going thru it all over again in my head, but it had to come out before I self-destructed even further.
I am positive in my head, heart and soul, that I am going to beat both of these mind altering problems. I realize with time, no matter how my M ends up I will be a much better human being than I have ever been. I will start living instead of hiding, life will get better and better as I go. I just really hope in my heart that it is not to late for my M, I hope that I have not thrown so much in her lap on top of drinking were she sees no recourse but to move on without me. Even through all the problems, and the not telling her, she is my BEST FRIEND, even if I might not be hers.
One of the hardest problems along with the seperation is that I really have no one that I can truly open up too, yes some know now what happened but I just cannot let go and pour my feelings out which I so desprately want to do with my W. As you know with DB'ing, I am not suppose to show that much, and even in normal circumstances I know that would be hard, but right now even after comming forward, I feel I am being told to do what I have done for the last 25 years, hold it in, don't show it, DAMN that is what started my self "medicating" in the first place, no I will not start that again ! ! ! It just makes life tough and depressing at the moment.
I just hope I can hold out for her and she doesn't drag it on any longer than she has too. In knowing her, I can see her waiting and waiting without saying a word, then, begin the next part of our/her journey and assume I knew which way it was going and to jump on board. In other words she will not really even give me any feelings one way or the other till she is 100% positive. I just hope when she comes to her decision it is "us" going down the yellow brick road and not me traveling it alone.
M 41 W 33 S8 S17 Bomb 3/11/07 S 3/28/07 New beginning? 8/31/07
