Need Veteran Piecer's Advice - desperately!!!

[Heartbroken]

Well I finally slept fairly well - first time since Thursday - I think it was b/c I let myself talk to H for the first time since Friday AM.

They are on their way home (in Chicago now) and I can't wait to see the kids! I think I will be away when they get here - I want to avoid H until D's bday June 4th. I think we will talk but I cannot see him without him seeing the sadness in my eyes right now. I am slowly detaching once again and it's so hard - just talking to him last night (no R talk at all) eased my mental state so I could sleep.

I need to wean myself off him once again - my brain knows that I only want him if he wants me but my heart huts soooo bad without him...I feel pathetic once again.

Off to grocery shop and plan meals for the kids and I this week!

Therapist says I need to stay off this site so much - limit my time - not sure what to do anymore...

[Heartbroken]

Well I guess I am done for good!

They got home and unpacked and H went to the apt. I trying to be the good wife took over a brat/fries/veggies and some frozen food he would like. I purposely did not call until I was right at the apt - to see if OW was back in the picture - this is the only real explanation for his sudden sadness (fits the pattern from before). He says not to come over since he's going for a walk - we'll I said you're seeing her again arent you and he says yes. I said I am coming over - we he wasn't even there she must have picked him up -I called him back and told him I was getting a lawyer. His lies are just to much - I thought we were in piecing he's back to seeing her WOW - I think my heart has stopped and now I need to really take care of myself...

I do not think I can continue this DB'ing - it's too hard and now I really look like the fool

I finally have the hate and anger for him

I just feel so bad for my kids...

[imLIN]

HB....all I can say is how sorry I am for you and your children...
Please don't feel like a fool...your children will remember how much you sacraficed to make things work and how little your H tried....in your children's eyes you will be the hero and role model for them...hopefully they will learn that it is harder to worker then a quitter and much more satisfying in the end.

Please focus on you and the children now...again, I am so sorry that you are having to deal with this intensely painful hurt...how I remember well those feelings of total betrayal...there is nothing like it....I will keep you all in my thoughts and wish you peace to come...

Lin

[ourcrisis]

HB, I am very sorry for you, for you what just had to go through finding out.
Heartbroken, YOU are a very strong person. To do what you have done so far is beyond what many people can do. Right now I know it is very painful for you to have to deal with this again, I know you can pull through this. Just concentrate on yourself now, give yourself time to grief. Don't DB now, just do something just for yourself. Time will heal the hurt. Take care. Lots of hugs from me.

[Heartbroken]

Well I met him at the park and he had papers from friends of the court - he wants us to use the same lawyer. H no longer loves me and is unhapppy and wants out. I asked how long they were together again and he says he's not seeing her like that - she's seeing someone else. H wouldn't talk about anymore and we drove off sepatate in a huff (me saying I needed my own lawyer).

I ended up calling the OW since she sent me an apology note, I figured it was fair game to talk to her (she was my friend FIRST) and asked her where they at it again (we were friends 2-3 yrs before H even met her). She said he texted her this past Thursday stating he saw a lawyer - she told him 'not to do it for her' - but she did not say she was done with him. She is basically the carrot out there - I begged her not to see him again and she did not sound so convincing - I told her once was a mistake and twice was on purpose. I asked her not to call him about this convo - well either she did or she text him or whatever but H left a nasty message stating once again I am trying to control things - AM I?????? I feel I am just trying to save my M and save my kids a lot of pain.... Is this too much controling? OW says to me that I deserve better than H - ha what ahout her I said - why does she want him with the baggage and crap he'll bring. I said my children deserve their father....

H and I talked civil again later and H just wants out he feels he's tried all he can and he wants it to end.

Not sure what to do at this point.... H is still and always has been in selfish mode damn the wife damn the kids damn his reputation - how long do I keep trying and I must still love his something fierce b/c this hurts like HELL again. I'd be suicidal if I did not have the kids - thank GOD I have them to make me be strong...

I know I can make it w/o him - hell I will meet someone. I do not NEED this man - but unfortunately I WANT him and I want our family unit. But if he wants out how do I stop him...

Thanks for all your help gals and guys - off to flip in bed all night!

HB

[indigo6]

My ex and I are piecing. It's been interesting to say the least.

I learned a lot about myself in this process. I was the one who left. I moved back in over a year ago. I went through a big defrost to get where I am now and my husband put up with a lot for me to get where I am now. I learned a lot in counseling. One major thing for me to understand is what co-dependant means - the counselor explained it as waiting for someone to do something that you believe will make you feel better - as in their actions are a contingency for you to feel one way or another. I read a lot of situations where I think people that are divorce busting are co-dependant in one way or another. I totally understand that. It makes me sad, though. If you are waiting for your husband to do something or for him to come home before you can feel better, you're setting yourself up for a great deal of pain/disappointment. I'm sorry but I believe that to be true. I would recommend that you decide what it is that you can do to make you happy and follow that course. It sounds to me like you are doing that to some extent with looking at condos, etc...

If sometime your husband decides to come home and starts his "big thaw," hit me up. I can maybe help you out with what I went through.

Otherwise, good luck to you and your own journey.

[Heartbroken]

Thanks!

I asked H to give me the next three months as a true separation - just like we would be divorced. I do need to let go and start thinking totally of my kids and myself - probably myself first (since I have not been doing this). H thinks the grass is greener and I guess he will have to learn the hard way -by then I will have moved on. I know I tried my hardest and now I have to let go...

[Heartbroken]

I plan to move back to the infidelity group- at least there's the EA he's still carrying in his heart right? I not sure where I even fit in anymore and does it even matter...?

So sad right now - boy I need some PMA...

[KMFLA]

Heartbroken-

I have been exactly in your place and I know how bad it hurts. Take your time going down the divorce path. Do what you have to do to protect yourself but divorce doesnt have to be the end result if even you are the only one that wants it to work at this point.

My husband carried on seeing the OW on and off for two years!!!. It at times was pure hell but in the long run it was me,our life and the 19 years of marriage that survived. He worked with the OW everyday so you can imagine it was difficult to put his feelings for her behind him when she was in his face everyday and boy she did play the sympathy card many many times. It wasnt until after he quit the job that things really started to fade and even then it took almost6 months. Its been one year now since she is out of his life and I feel better every day.

You can and will survive without him so that is the most important thing to remember. Do your best to get things in order for yourself and take care of the children. You can be cooperative and pleasant to him but beyond that you need to do whats right for you.

Today he may be talking about divorce and two days from now he might be talking about your life together. He will continue to bounce back and forth that I am sure of.

Do what you can to resist contacting the OW. I know from experience that all this does and let the OW know that you are focusing on her and that gives her satisfaction and power. Nothing is gained by contacting her and she will tell your H at some point you called. Dont give her any control over you.

Hang in there. Its not going to be easy but it will get better.

[theoden]

HB,

I posted today on your other piecing thread...read it...it's based on information you wrote up until 5/20. Read it. It's good sdvice up until things spiraled. I think you pursued him too much. I think your fear is feeding his power.

Don't bounce around the threads so much, or we'll lose track of you.

Don't panic....often when we think things go well, and they pull back we panic and we chase. It's common. I did it. I lost some ground. I won't do it again. Now I'm OK.

Stay away from OW. You begging her gives her power and it makes your husband think you are controlling. She doesn't care about you. She only apologized when she thought your husband was returning to you. Once he started up with her she'll ignore you and report all your begging to husband, she'll play you like a cat playing a mouse. She's duplicitous and nasty. Don't trust her. Got it?

You are in a better place than you were when he went back to OW the first time. Don't lose anymore ground by panicking. He is going to need to get her out of his system. He's not done with her yet.

Email me. [e-mail]

--theoden

STAY in your house. If you move out, he may get it. He's the one who abandoned the family.

He needs to figure out his life. You killing yourself because you are afraid gets you nowhere.