Ok, JustD, tell me why when we are all set and ready to do what is needed, to DB until the cows come home, we find ourselves completely doing a 0 degree -- not even one degree off the expected????
H&me had an ok financial talk -- I was calm and cool, let him do the talking (I'm usually the financial person in this family) and listened -- in general, navigated those potentially murky waters without any problems.
It was after that the problems began. I've read the book "How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking about It," and I find it is really insightful. In general, it takes a larger take on the "Will this action help or hurt my goals?" question and examines how men and women process ideas, words and actions in ways that can be hurtful if not considered.
OK, so before I go to meet H, I am thinking about what I want to say to him and I'm thinking about what my motivations are and how I really should let the topic go -- something about how fearful I am about what this whole thing is doing to our second son, etc. -- b/c I am certain I'm only wanting to hurt or guilt him into saying something kind and positive -- oh, something like "Yeah, sure, I see that; let's get back together." .
Instead, what do I do after we have navigated the financial waters? I bring up this whole thing and we get into this messy discussion that only repeats old patterns and H is backing away further and further b/c he feels helpless and I'm trying to say what I want to say but instead sounding aggressive and horrible, and the topic of future comes up (oh GREAT!) and H cooly sits across from me and states how nothing that I do bothers him or concerns him b/c he doesn't care...
You get the picture: the whole thing just disintegrated. (me crying and heatedly wiping away tears in anger and H just watching me) And to make it all worse, H came by an hour later to cut my parents' grass (they live next door and are on vacation), and I don't just let it go but go out there and tell him how mad I am about all of this. He says that it isn't my fault, that it's him who wasn't good enough for the marriage, and that he left because he knew he was a lousy husband. Wonderful -- not only do I mess up any sort of "having it together" front, but he ends up taking away any argument I might have by saying it's his fault!
Argh! I want to scream and cry since I was so weak and stupid!!!! I hate how I can write and talk so calmly and together, but when I get around H I absolutely fall back into the whiny clinger that only wants him to return -- even when I KNOW that things wouldn't be good at this point.
Did I say I was abandoning this BB? Forget it! I count on you being there to confess to. I know what I need to do now: pick myself up and look towards tomorrow or the next time and being better. Still, I hate these feelings of remorse, inadequacy, and frustration. I hate that I can't just turn back things to a better time and be ready and able to head things off before we get to this point.
. 
I want to scream and cry since I was so weak and stupid!!!! I hate how I can write and talk so calmly and together, but when I get around H I absolutely fall back into the whiny clinger that only wants him to return -- even when I KNOW that things wouldn't be good at this point. 
