This was posted on the 4060 site by Inhell, and I think it has a place here
Did your spouse tell you, "I love you, but I'm not IN LOVE with you?" What does that statement mean?
A person who says, "I love you, but I'm not IN LOVE with you," is making a distinction between 2 different feelings. But NEITHER of those feelings are love!
When a person says, "I love you, but I'm not IN LOVE with you," they're saying that I CARE about you but I'm not EXCITED about you.
CARING about someone is a good thing. It's reflective of CONCERN. But it's different than love. I care about the starving children in Africa, but I don't love them.
Being EXCITED about someone is also a good thing. But it's different than love. I might be excited to have a relationship with the President of the United States or a Hollywood star, but that doesn't mean I love them.
While someone who says, "I love you, but I'm not IN LOVE with you" seems to be making a distinction between "different loves;" in fact, they are expressing their confusion about what love really is. And that's why they're having marital problems and maybe even an affair (because who are they IN LOVE with?).
Love is something we articulate in the vocabulary of ACTION. Love is a verb. It's not a feeling you get from another PERSON; it's an experience you receive as a result of DEEDS YOU DO for another person.
"I love you, but I'm not IN LOVE with you" is a cop out. It basically means that I have no clue how to make a relationship last LONG-TERM so I'm exiting to get high from another short-term romance. But whoever they're IN LOVE with now will also eventually hear, "I love you, but I'm not IN LOVE with you."
Of course, this is all fine and good, but it's really your spouse who needs to hear this, right?
I saw this post on the 40/60 board the other day and though how true it was, although with my husband i did even get the ILYBNILWY speech, i just got the I feel empty speech.
I am so sorry that you have been having a rough time lately, i think that your wife must be one crazy lady leaving a devoted husband like you. I truly hope that one day she comes to her senses and realises that the grass is not greener. In the mean time i wish you peace and self forfilled happiness.
Take care
Nicky
Me 34 H 33 D3 together 10 years married 2 years Bomb 22/8/06 (I feel empty) OW involved
No but Simon It was beautifully stated and maybe i should print it out and put in my fridge......
as that was the speech I got with my husband...you too? The whole MLC thing is mind boggling at best....but when I heard the verbage is the same.....yeowzaaaaa! How anyone can say this doesnt exist as an illness....disease? Dont know what to call it but, but it is real to us....thay all say the same damned things let alone the behaviors!!
I wish you the best ...you are a very special person who has willingly shared the pain of your journey to help others/color][color:#000099]
Last edited by a new 2moro; 05/28/0712:51 PM.
Me 53 H 51 OW 25 Bomb may 06 left june 8/ 06 ILYBNILWY (twice!) 7/6/07 H wants to come home 7/21/07 H comes home 7/07 -7/08 long haul letting go of OW now piecing in earnest
THE ILYBN..., The I feel numb..., the I feel empty..., the I've changed..., The Its not you its me..., The There's no one else, I am not going from the frying pan into the fire...,
ILYBNILWY 2x I am all burned out Nothing left to give you should have seen this coming I want to try with OW....that was after....shes a friend....its not about her Dont I deserve to be happy? It was always about the money for you....I have none you spent it all The classic re-write...I was unhappy for a year to I have always been unhappy for all 25 yrs.
Last edited by a new 2moro; 05/28/0701:17 PM.
Me 53 H 51 OW 25 Bomb may 06 left june 8/ 06 ILYBNILWY (twice!) 7/6/07 H wants to come home 7/21/07 H comes home 7/07 -7/08 long haul letting go of OW now piecing in earnest
I don't think I ever loved you. We got married too young. Ow is my best friend. I love someone else. I still want to be your friend. I can't stand you. Your mother forced us to get married.
ILYBNILWY It is not about you You're a good mother and wife OUr marriage is good I don't know why this happened I never intended it to happen Five years from now, we will all be laughing about this
Then we got:
H and OW will be together for however long it takes It is a love like no other I don't know why I love her Whoever said I was going to divorce your mom and marry OW? I consider myself married to OW not you I never want to sleep with you again
The Bomb: 08/05 H moves out: 06/2006 H moves back: 01/07 & Out again: 01/07 H moves back: 03/08 & Out again: 04/08 H moves back: 05/09 & Out again: 07/09 Divorced 08-12 Kids: 22, 20, 19
He has a program that you can buy. I haven't bought it, but I do subscribe to his newletter. He has some interesting things to say. I generally like reading his stuff.
I got;
ILYBNILWY It's not you it's me You deserve better I just don't have the feelings a wife should have Your good to me and a good father I just don't want to be married anymore I'm miserable in this marriage I've been trying to tell you for 2 years I just can do it anymore I can't be myself around you I've changed (but then I got, I can't change the way I am feeling and you can't change the way I'm feeling) Etc....
M35 W37 S9 D6 M12 yrs Know 15 yrs Bomb 1/28/07 My Sitch Failure is the opportunity to start again more intelligently - Henry Ford
oh yeah H told a friend...I never thought it could this way...me and OW.....hurl
Me 53 H 51 OW 25 Bomb may 06 left june 8/ 06 ILYBNILWY (twice!) 7/6/07 H wants to come home 7/21/07 H comes home 7/07 -7/08 long haul letting go of OW now piecing in earnest
