My wife is falling in love with OM - help.

[nextsteps_4us]

I need to detach better. After a really good weekend, we end up having a relationship conversation. Where she needs to tell me how frustrated she is in our current living situation. She just feels like I am stubborn and won't give up, and she needs to move on. She doesn't want to be in our relationship anymore. I don't even know where that came from. Maybe its the fact that we spent a lot of time together the last 2 days. Is it possible that she is more confused than she lets on? She sure as hell sounds like she knows what she wants, and thats out. She wants to figure out how she can go buy her house. She wants to figure out a parenting plan. Basically she is talking divorce. And the only real reason i can hear from her is that she thinks she will be happier 'alone', and that the kids will be happier if she is happy, because she can be a better mom if she doesn't feel trapped.

My heart wants to pull her close to me, tell her I love her, and that i always have loved her. I want to kick myself. I need to stop telling her I love her. Can someone please kick me.

Damn someone kick me. Everytime I have positives in our relationship, I end up messing up. And she ends up pushing back hard. I need to give her space right now. I just don't know how. The problem is giving her space means watching her go into the arms of the OM.

I don't know what to do, I guess she sees the OM as perfect for her, and there is nothing I can do about that. Right now she is not seeing him "until she moves out", which looks like it could take months. So no matter how much I change, I don't feel like it matters, she can't see it right now, or she can see it, it just doesn't matter. She is completely empty to me.

Is it possible for someone to be completely empty to someone they were married to for 7 years?

What should i do.

Detach right?

[789]

Here ya go, KICK.
I just finished reading your thread, my heart goes out to you. Fortunately my WAW does not have a EA/PA that I know of, I do not really know how I would react. I agree with most in here, do not sign anything regarding buying a new house at the present moment.
YES YES YES, detach, never knew that would be the hardest thing in the world to do in life, but damn it is. Also remember that positives and negatives go hand in hand, thinking that is part of life now days. I know how hard it is not to kiss them goodbye, or say ILY, but you have too. Give her all the damn space she wants, it might be the only option you have to let her start missing and thinking what she has with you.
Good Luck !

[MonicaP]

Hi nextstep ~
I can completely relate to your sitch. Detaching (with love) is the only way to go with our WAS'! I've been S for 18 mos now after H revealed his EA (now PA) and dropped the bomb "I'm just not happy". We have a S4.5 and his behavior came entirely without warning. I'm not saying we didn't have our problems, but I truly believed he would never leave me. I thought we would work through everything. Anyway, it took me a few months to find DR and then to begin to detach. I think I've really only been able to detach for the past 6 months and I feel SO MUCH BETTER! I see H twice a week when he is w/ S4.5 - he uses my home for his visits because he lives too far away. Usually I am out while he's here, but occasionally our time overlaps. He will often try to start a conversation - about work usually - and I just go about my business and nod and say mm-hmm. I've been doing this for a while now and I think it is having a positive effect. Well, I know it helps me because I don't get caught up in his drama and I spend a lot less time wondering and fantasizing about what he's up to. I have really been able to GAL. It's not that I don't still hope and pray that - if it's meant to be - that H will remember our life and love together and want to at least TRY. I just think it will take a miracle, but I DO BELIEVE IN MIRACLES. I think my detaching is making him wonder. He asked me last week if I could get a babysitter this coming week so that we can talk. I asked him if he had anything important to say right then but he said no. He said he just thinks it's a good idea to do every once in a while and that he haven't talked in so long. DUH! Of course we haven't, what the h--- to we have to talk about except for our S4.5 and we do that fine through email. I told him I would think about it.

I honestly feel better when he's not around. He is just such a negative and dark cloud. I do anything and everything I can to support his R with S4.5 and I made feelings known (like your letter) in the beginning months....now it's all in God's hands.

If H were to come to me and ask to TRY - meaning he'd have to leave Ow - and was totally genuine about that decision...I would still try. In the meantime, I'm moving on with my life. I finally started the process of filing for child support/custody and I'm filing for LS. He can convert it to D if he chooses, but that will be ON HIM.

I'm sorry to ramble on - on your thread - I just hope it helps knowing that there's one more person out here that undertands what you're going through.

Hang in there. Practice patience. GAL. Love yourself and your children. Pray for your WAW.

Take care...

[andyv]

NS4U,

Mate, welcome to the club.

I am guilty of the same thing, detach and GAL for a few weeks, R between W and myself get better, then I backslide and start asking more questions about OM.

Yesterday (after we spoke in the morn, and W was happy), I did a bad thing and snooped on cell phone bill online (DD and I did not see her Sat, Sat night, Sun, she got home Sun 11pm), and saw that she was with OM Sat night, Sun morn and Sun night, poss even spent the night. She said that she slept at her sisters house.

I rang her yesterday arvo, and pretty much made her tell me what I wanted to hear. She has denied any wrong doing and has tried to tell me that they are best friends, but there was no PA. After my badgering she said "Okay, if thats what you want to hear, yes I am in a relationship with him, now you can move on".

Last night she came home from Kick Boxing with a girlfriend and I cooked dinner for us all, we all watched TV and acted as if nothing had changed. Had coffee and then she thanked me for dinner and said "Goodnight Andy".

WTF.

So NS4U, don't feel bad about what you are doing, I think we are all guilty of doing it. I also think this is part of our "phase" and we need to do this for our own sanity. Unless you are kicking and screaming when you do discuss these things, and are being hurtful, I don't see any harm, it is all part of the process.

Now get back on the horse and continue. I am trying to drag the one week of good DBing to 2 and so on. My record is 2 weeks before backsliding. I hope that I can maintain some good DBing till at least June 18.

My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family,
All the best buddy,
AndyV

[nextsteps_4us]

Does it really matter anymore. My wife is in love with another man. Yes, i made mistakes in our relationship, but at this point it doesn't matter does it. I screwed up too many times trying to get her back. She can think of nothing but getting out of our relationship so she can be with him.

She won't wake up as long as he is around.

I will detach; mainly because i am tired of this, the more i think about it the more I don't respect her. If she will destroy her family to be with him, then i need to do everything I can to keep my kids safe.

[nextsteps_4us]

Ok. So, after a hard few days I am starting to get some clarity..

My wife is 100% moving forward with seperation, as she is 'in love' with the OM, and doesn't see it as a mistake. She has a picture in her mind of how wonderful her life is going to look after we are apart, and is currently trying to run away.

I think part of her is scared that she has a great time with me, that we are great parents together, that we have great sex together, etc.. It just comes down to the fact that she is in lalaland right now.

The other guy is really a big problem, he is doing all the right things. Telling her he will wait until she is fully seperated before seeing her again, yet calling her everyday, and texting her so much that our cell bill is almost 500.00$. So he is the sensitive caring guy. My wife just said she was going to a friends this Sunday, but she is not seeing him, he 'likes me too much' to see her right now. F***, i almost vomited. I couldn't hide my distaste and sarcastically replied, 'wow, thats so nice of him, i like him too'

Anyways, although we get along well, she is in lalaland and is clear that she wants to seperate. She comes downstairs in the morning and wants to tell me about all the houses she was looking at to buy the last night, like i am giong to be excited with her.

So right now we live in the same house, and she wants to buy a new house and move. We are friendly towards eachother, but recently she just wants to talk about seperation details. Unfortunately if we go through mediation, we are looking at 4-5 months easy, before that is settled. If we go through lawyer divorce, easily 11-12 months. Or i just let go completely and give her the money and its 1-2 months.


Something needs to change. I need to set some clear boundaries or change my attitude, because right now I am not being true to myself, and my DB is just a fake act. My heart can't take a whole lot more of this.


So, for me to regain my life and sanity I figure i only have 3 options in this.

1. Become an enlightened saint, and simply accept the fact that she is leaving, and help her as best I can with the transition. Discuss the transition freely with her, without it feeling like it is ripping my heart out. I would also need to back away from her, and spend more time apart from her, and have time with the girls alone just like she would need time alone with the girls. I guess this is "fully letting go". I would stay in the house, and help her buy a new one.
a. as a modification to this, i am thinking i could also request not discussing seperation details in the house, and that we can do it all through our family therapist, and mediators to figure out assets, parenting plans, etc. Basically i don't want all that bad energy around the girls.
b. If i can do this, then at least i won't feel manipulated anymore, since i would be okay with the whole situation.


2. Explain to her i'm emotionally still attached to us, and the discussions about her moving are painful to me, and the thoughts of seeing my children in pain when we split is painful to me. I will simply stop talking about it with her, and let the lawyers figure it out. This one is called "holding on and getting angry"
a. this one is bad for the girls, and bad for me.

3. Move out myself. Since she won't rent a place, I can. Buying a house requires all sorts of finality in our situation and could take 5-10 months to get there. All the while i am sitting back and watching her walk out on me. I am thinking maybe its best to just find a place and rent it. At least then i am taking back some of my power, and gives me the strength to put together a new life for my kids. this one is called "stepping into the pain".

a. my problem with this one, is simply how to talk to the girls about me moving out. I don't want them to feel i abandoned them. I would need to figure this out better.

b. the pros to this are a few. She has to then deal with the house and is stuck with all the furniture she picked that she no longer wants. She would have to deal with realtors to sell the house, etc. My life would get a whole lot more full with buying furniture, getting it ready for the girls, etc. Which would be a positive in my life as i could keep my mind off of it. Also, although i'm the one leaving and this could be bad for the girls, my wife would have to do all the explaining about 'why daddy moved out'. Otherwise i am stuck with defending her when she moves out.

Right now her plan is selfish - she moves out and leaves me stuck with the house to sell.



Any thoughts on these options? I'm leaning towards 3, or possibly 1 with less Sainthood involved, and more boundaries about discussing seperation. I know this post is long, but any feedback you have would be good.

Either way, i am detaching big time for the next 2-3 weeks. I may decide to just wait and not make any decisions during that time. I'll post any updates to my situation.

[Dr LOve]

next

3 Sounds the best to me but....I check to make sure this is not going to hurt your rights to your girls. I.E abandoning I know you are not you know you are not but if things get nasty in court some day it could be brought up. I don know but I would check. As for the W it will give her a preview of the future with out you

Husband

[nextsteps_4us]

Ok, i keep trying to avoid R talks, and my wife keeps pulling me into them.

I got spewed at. Basically me and my neighbor are going out for a beer tommorow night, and this has put my wife in a bad mood. Even though she talks to my neighbors wife all the time, and she knows everything about our situation. Anyways, apparently she saw them tonight, and he mentioned getting a beer with me, and his wife was acting really strange towards her. Appararently not everyone approves of what she is doing. Like in my previous posts, she is angry because when i was the non-attentive husband everyone supported her. Now that she is the adulterous home-wrecker she is getting none of that support.

Anyways, she wants me to not talk to them about whatever is going on with us legally. (all of our R issues were fair game though, i like double standards). She said the new me makes her want to vomit. She said that now I am Mr. Perfect, Mr. nice guy, and when we were married she was always trying me to be more congienial with people (especially neighbors). I listened, I validated, I ignored the names she called me. I told her she was right.

She then said something interesting in her spew. "For years i have been complaining, and now that I have the husband I always wanted, it's too late."

I said "i know".

The conversation went back and forth from decent to deteriorating some by her jumping on any little thing I said that could possibly be misconstrued. LESSION HERE: USE AS FEW WORDS AS POSSIBLE. I did get it across that I didn't want to have discussions about anything concerning this around the kids, or when they are awake. They could wait until they were fast asleep, or we could both go somewhere alone.

It made her a little mad. (mostly because she was already mad), but she agreed to it.

She also wanted to know if I thought she should be looking for houses now. (she has 6 viewings tommorow) I asked her how fast she thought we could work through all the legal things for a seperation and money. She understood what i meant. She knows we can't speed through this.

So i think its premature right now, but i'm not going to tell her. She can figure that out on her own.

I did throw out my thinking about renting a place. She was a little thrown off by it, but didn't let it show too much. I guess she thinks if i rent a place, she will still go buy a place ASAP and just leave the house empty.

[Dr LOve]

Next

Don’t get too excited but it sounds to me her lala land is collapsing. You handled it very well. Her feeling are just that her feelings. As for going out for a beer GO. If anything between you and your wife comes up I would let him know thanks for the concern but you and the wife are working on it. And drop it. If you want respect from the wife. I know it is going to be hard but you have to respect her wishes also. I would not even discuss R with the neighbor. Ya just want to go out for the night and leave your problems at home and enjoy the friend ship.

“She then said something interesting in her spew.”For years I have been complaining, and now that I have the husband I always wanted, it's too late."

Sounds like to me she is TRYING TO validate her own feelings. I think this brings up a doubt in her mind if it is really too late.

“LESSION HERE: USE AS FEW WORDS AS POSSIBLE”Good work

“She also wanted to know if I thought she should be looking for houses now. (She has 6 viewings tomorrow)”

What? She is the one that want’s to move why would she be asking you this? Again uncertainty that she is doing the right thing

I did throw out my thinking about renting a place. She was a little thrown off by it, but didn't let it show too much. I guess she thinks if I rent a place, she will still go buy a place ASAP and just leave the house empty.

Maybe the reality that you can and will move on is clearing the fog a little for her.

Ok toss the renting a place out for now. You made your point with her. You are doing great. The tide is turning..

Husband

[andyv]

Hey NS4U and Husband,

I concur with Husbands thoughts. Sounds like "rock bottom" is not too far away for your W.

And it is a great lesson for everyone, use as few words as possible. I have been guilty of overwording our conversations and the talks sort of go "pear" shaped with W over anylizing everything.