When's it my turn?

[SDFoundGirl]

Hi Jen. I was hoping you'd post as I know your sitch and mine are freakishly similar. I've kind of gone through the same thoughts on your sitch as you have on mine...weird, huh?

Anyway, the lists came from an exercise our MC has been pushing us to do for months called "Caring Days." H has been "too busy" because of work (which just pisses me off as I'm just as busy and I watch him fock around all night with stupid crap) to do it until this past week. Even so, I've been paying attention to what he says he likes/wants/needs to give it to him.

The list is supposed to be things that are easily done that help you feel loved/connected to your partner. Strangely, many of my items are similar to H's, and in the past they haven't been a problem for him. Pre-bomb. Anyway:

*Make morning coffee
*Say "I love you" at times other than leaving in the morning or going to bed at night
*Hug me
*Kiss me passionately w/out pushing for sex
*Tell me I look nice
*Make breakfast on the weekend
*Scratch my back/touch me lovingly when we're sitting on the couch together in the evenings
*Ask me out on a date you've planned
*Text/call me during your work day just to say hi

As you can see, much of that is very words of affirmation and physical stuff, both of which are things he wants himself.

I guess my thing is, I resent that the only time I really get touched is when he's trying to get me into bed. I love yous only show up when he leaves in the morning. I've stopped initiating that phrase myself just to see what would happen...

Last night I posted after we f*cked. And I use that word deliberately because it was NOT ML. I should have just said no, but I caved, and I resented him for it. When he went to clean up and get ready for bed, I just sobbed. I felt forced, violated, and resentful. I tried to get out of it, but he just ignored my signals...and he DOES know them.

I don't want to ML to someone who is completely ignoring what I've asked him for. We even talked about in therapy why, though my sex drive was just fine, I was avoiding sex--specifically, feeling like my needs weren't being met.

So...I meet my own needs on making myself happy, but I can't meet my needs to feel connected to my spouse. THAT is a two way street. I'll bring this up in MC next time we go, but I kind of feel like there's no point. I'm working on our condo and hoping the market improves so if I decide to leave, we can sell the place easily.

He doesn't understand and thinks all should be just wonderful since he decided to recommit. I guess he's freaking perfect and ought to be worried 'round about Easter time. Just because I wasn't the WAS doesn't mean I was happy or didn't have problems with him in the M.

Anyway...that's it.

SD