I think of how many people are hurting these days, and as much as I can get mad and sometimes resentful (especially when I think of how much this whole thing will complicate my boys' life journeys!), I think how I am hurting less than many people. H"s actions are frustrating and painful, but at least I'm not starving or surrounded by death or wondering if walking around -- or my loved one walking around -- will set off a bomb. I know, that's not really it, but at the same time, I think I need to keep finding those things that are good.
Doesn't mean any of that thinking is easy at times. It's like every time I wish I had more money, and I think of how much life would be easier if I just could have more than what I do, then I try to consider that comparatively, I have so much more than many others -- especially in other parts of the world. It helps to give me perspective, but that thinking doesn't take away the wish for things to be easier.
On another note -- I have decided that I'm not going to obsess over how or why H decided to move out. I might be naive, but there is no easy or obvious OW and so I'm choosing to just believe H when he says there is none. If there is or has been, there will more than enough time to deal with that later. If I'm serious about wanting to save my marriage, I need to focus on just what is happening now, where H seems to be now, and what I can do to detach enough to give H space. Focusing on whether there's another woman when I would have to do some mighty tough digging to find her -- and having many friends confirm that thought -- only distracts me from what I need to work on now, which is me and my boys and becoming the strongest, best, most fun (funnest :)) me I can be. We live in way too small a community for something to be happening openly without others seeing, so if there's an OW, she must be willing to be a huge secret - how fun is that? And if H had someone suggesting that separation is a good idea, well it doesn't help me stop enabling H's actions to take away from H his own will and choice to have followed that suggestion.
I need to let go, to not control, and to be here, in the moment, now. Giving or obsessing over outside influences will only make excuses and not allow me to stop analyzing or imposing my own picture on H -- a habit I need to break.
I'm trying to be positive; is it working? Hope your Sunday is starting off bright.
