What do you want/need from a man when you say you want/need one who is more Alpha or more Top (or more monkey or puppy dog if you feel like the guy you are with is too staid or patronizing to be sexy)? To what extent does this desire extend to the relationship or the romantic context for your sexuality rather than just the sexual interaction itself?
Great questions. No easy answers. Although when it comes right down to it, I think it is all about me being able to express myself sexually without feeling ashamed/wrong/dirty/whatever. I just don't feel like that with my H so that is a part of me I have to tuck away. With other people, especially om, I did not have a basis for a long-term R, so it was easy to let my sexuality out in full force. I liked that aspect and it depresses me that the M will never be anywhere close to that level of expression. It is just different. Maybe that is really the issue too. I just want what I can't have. Who knows. Maybe if my H was totally top I'd be yearning for him to be more bottom. Can't say for sure. All I know is my sexuality is suppressed with H. That is the crux of the problem. And it oozes into all other aspects of our R/M. I do appreciate all your suggestions. I just don't have it in me right now to try the porn and all that. I'm trying to adjust to a level of contentment with the M as is. We'll see how it goes. I'm sure I'll be up and down depending on the day. But that's me. LFL
