I need help. My H said this week that he wants to take baby steps toward R...pretty exciting, right??? Well, we are having difficulty just spending time together because we just keep rehashing our issues. I am giving him space and time which is what he wants. I am telling him I will change and try to do whatever I can to make him happy but he doesn't believe me. Our MC has advised us to "date" a couple of time a week without discussing our problems. We got together last night and at several points in the evening, it felt like a disaster because we both brought up subjects that we shouldn't have. My feelings get hurt. He gets angry. My H says that I don't listen to him. I think I try to find ways to reconnect with him and he sees this as pushing. How do we get past our frustrations so we can spend quality time together and help to rebuild our relationship?
Also, I seem to have a lot of difficulty when my H leaves after our date. I feel lonely and depressed. I almost feel like I am better off if I don't see my H because I stay stronger and have more of a PMA. Does this make any sense? Can anyone else relate to this? I need to figure out how to overcome these feelings.
Hello, first of all you must read :"For Women Only: What You Need to Know about the Inner Lives of Men" chances are, you are not listening. How do I know? because I was that way, jumping up and negating whatever my H said because it didnt' go w/the pict I had in my head, not taking his feelings/opinions at face value.
About you both bringing up stuff that creates friction, is it about finances? some issues that haven't been worked out yet? then give yourselves time *another* day to go over those kind of things. When he bring something up listen with all your heart and if there is something you dont' agree try to see it from his perspective. Assure him that you want to reach an agreement w/him. If you listen very carefully, without being defensive, you might learn a thing or two about him that you never knew or had a pre-fabricated idea about.
When I was piecing and my H was back but still unable to give me the love and affection I needed, someone here told me "if your mood/happiness depends on the actions of others, something is very wrong. It is understandable that this sitch is very hard on you. But still take the DB advice to detach, to be in charge of your H, before you emt him you were an independent happy person, find that person again and decide each day you open your eyes to be happy regardless.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
Thanks cat. I have ordered "For Women Only: What You Need to Know about the Inner Lives of Men". I am looking forward to reading it.
The issues that we seem to have a problem with aren't about money, kids, him moving home or anything like that. It is really hard to explain what we argue about because I am not even sure I understand it. One issue we have seem to be having right now is about sex. I have pretty much always the initiator and I still am. The sex has been great since we separated (he said it was getting mechanical before he left) but he now isn't sure that we should be having sex because he thinks it might be sending me mixed signals. So this is where the problem comes in...having sex seems to be one of the few ways that I can feel close to him right now (although I do know that right now it is probably just sex for him). He has started to become hesitant about having sex now and I get frustrated because I want so badly to feel close to him. So, when I get frustrated my H doesn't think I listen to him.
My H thinks that I have control issues as well. One of his examples is that because sometimes I would be disappointed if he chose to have "guy time" instead of spending time with me. I admit that I have done that and I know now that was a big mistake, but I also know that he had opportunities to have "guy time" and chose to work instead. I have promised, when he does come home, to give him more autonomy but he doesn't believe me or maybe he just doesn't want to. At this moment he thinks he has all of the control and I am not sure if he really wants to give any of that up.
Here I go getting frustrated again. My H, who is an attorney, has had pretty much back to back trials in the last couple of months. When he goes into "trial mode", he doesn't seem to think about much else. He started the latest trial last week and it was supposed to go until mid-June. My H called last night to tell me that the trial was going to be postponed for about 6 weeks. I have felt like our R has been put on hold because of these trials, which on some levels was okay because I at least knew the reason why. Now, I feel like there is no excuse not to work on things. When he called last night, I sensed that he really didn't want to talk but I went ahead and asked if we could anyway (I know, stupid me). He told me he didn't really want to and said he was just being honest. He told me he did have to go back into court again today to finish up some things and he would call me tonight to let me know how things went. I could tell that this was just his way to get me off the phone for now so, I called him on it and told him he didn't have to call me today if he didn't want to. I just can't seem to control what comes out of my mouth sometimes. His reply was "Are you trying to torture me?". I replied "No, I think you are trying to torture me". He accused me of not listening to him again and so, the vicious circle continues...We did end the conversation very quickly after that.
I just don't understand how he is taking baby steps. I don't feel like I am in any different place then I was 3 months ago when he left. Now that his time is somewhat freed up because of the postponement of the trial, I feel like he should be making more of an effort to resolve some of our problems. I know I can't push him to do this because it will have the opposite effect but I need to have some direction in my life. Today I am expecting delivery of a bunch of books that will hopefully help me through some of this, but if anyone can give me some words of wisdom or even a virtual slap upside the head, I would be very grateful.
UD, It is hard to take baby steps in healing a R. I wonder if your MC is being directive enough with the two of you. It sounds like you two are falling back into old patterns.
You mentioned that you're getting some books. What are they?
I'm wondering if a review of Divorce Remedy by Michelle Weiner Davis should be on your reading list? I'm thinking the chapter on developing relationship goals and expectations, and having a discussion about them would be helpful for the two of you.
You two need to get on the same page.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
Hi CL- I feel that our MC hasn't really been giving us any real tools yet to help us communicate better. We have only been to 4 sessions together mostly because my H has been so busy with work and it seems like we have just been trying to understand the issues that have brought us to this point.
Anyway here is my list...
The Divorce Remedy: The Proven 7-Step Program for Saving Your Marriage
Hope For the Separated: Wounded Marriages Can Be Healed
The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate
Five Love Languages: Viewers Guide
Should I Stay Or Go? : How Controlled Separation (CS) Can Save Your Marriage
For Women Only: What You Need to Know about the Inner Lives of Men
I completely agree that my H and I need to get on the same page...seems like we haven't been in the same book even for such a long time...maybe 9 months or so. I will check out the chapter in Divorce Remedy that you recommended though I am not sure when I will be able to discuss it with my H since he really doesn't seem to want to talk about our R.
Sorry to hear about your situation. I will never understand why this stuff happens? Anyway,I wish you lots and lots of strength to deal with what you are going through.
Hi this is my 1st time posting to you and I hope I am not out of line here. From what I have read on this thread it seems you have expectations from your H that he is not living up to. (I know I had them too)Guess what he wont for a long time but by you making some changes it can help speed it up. I think your H needs to see you in a different light. He still sounds interested in you but a few of your traits overshadow the real you. Could you try and always be happy when he rings you and keep any disappointment out of your voice. That way when he rings you it will be a pleasant experience. When he says he cannot make it to see you or hasn't got time to talk tell him that it's O.K. and just to contact you when he is free. I know it is not what you want to do but it will get him thinking.
When you go out don't discuss the same issues, even better for awhile don't discuss the two of you on a relationship level. Talk about what you have both been up to, his law cases, mutual friends, news etc anything that is not about your R.
Next get out and do some things you want to do. Visit friends, go out with friends fill up your time with other interests and you will be surprised at how it keeps your focus of H for awhile. This is GALing and when they see you enjoying yourself and being happy with your life and yourself they truly see you differently and watch the dynamics change then.
If he doesn't want to have sex or doesn't think it is right tell him that's fine that you agree and that you have alot more to work on before sharing that kind of moment.
I know you may not believe in any of this stuff that I am telling you but I have done it all the wrong way over the last 2 years and I tell you nothing really changed until I truly starting DBing. I started trying what I had read and what the good people here had told me and guess what it started to work.
It took alot from me and alot of biting my tongue and alot of pretending to be happy and pretending to be busy as well but eventually it became reality and I wasnt pretending anymore and I was interested in my own happiness and guess what H became more interested as well.
Sorry if I am off the mark but this is what I have learned and I am just trying to give you another avenue.....Good Luck...
Hi Kim- Thanks for your post. I agree that I need to GAL outside my H and I have been trying hard to do that.
Today, I feel as if I am having a bit of a set back DBing. I trying tounderstand what I have been doing wrong and make changes to get more of a positive response from my H but today I am frustrated wondering if things will really change. We met for lunch on Thursday and he came over and had dinner with me and the kids last night. Things seemed pretty good and we didn't really talk about R stuff...at least not much. When he left things seemed good and he told me to TM him to see if he wanted to join me and my son for a movie today. I did send him a TM today just trying to get his opinion on something and I called. He never answered or responded. Needless to say, I didn't TM him to invite him to the movie with us. I am supposed to see him at a BBQ tomorrow (he doesn't want to go together) and he said he would come over on Monday for a BBQ I am having. Maybe I am just over-reacting but am I just not supposed to care that he blows me off like this?
Also, he seems to have issues with $$$ and the fact I am pretty much a stay-at-home mom. I have no regular income to speak of, but I do have investments that pay-off from time to time and on paper, I am better off financially then my H. My money is from investments made prior to our marriage so they are not considered community property. My H is a hard worker but he also like to spend. When we got married, he did not have much $ saved or invested. I am much more financially responsible. My H has been feeling (especially lately) that what he earns is all his and not community property. I have mixed thoughts about this (I am not trying to be greedy), but I am frustrated that he thinks and feels the way he does plus I am not sure he is always honest with me about what he is doing with his money. How to find some common ground on this issue.
Between this finances and other issues and the fact that I am not feeling appreciated or that I am a priority to him, I just wonder if this is worth all of the hard work. I want to save my marriage but I at moments, I am feeling like I am fighting an uphill battle. I really don't want a D but I just can't help but wonder if it is worth all of this. I know I deserve to be with someone who wants to make an effort to be with me. Can he ever be that person again?
UD, All your thoughts and feeling are valid. It is valid to want your H to treat you like a partner. It is valid to want your H to partner with you on the financial issues. It is valid to want a H who will be a partner with you in the M. It is valid to wonder if things will improve.
The difficulty is to contain these thoughts and feelings so that they don't influence the R in a negative way. In their raw state, it can be toxic to a R. It's our responsibility to express them in a healthy way, become aware of what's going on inside our heads, and transform them into something healthier and less egocentric.
Make sure that your DB and life skill efforts include cultivating the skills of acceptance, letting-go of what is beyond our control, and unconditional love.
Holding onto anger and resentment is a reflection on you, not your H's actions.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
