"Do you know what would be really hot? The next time I come up behind you and start rubbing up against your *ss, only let me do it for a few seconds before you pin me down hard." and then add "The reason I would really like it if you would/could do this is that when I'm feeling the urge to rub up against you I am as about as horny as I can get at the beginning of an encounter so a total throwdown would get me off really strong."
I'd suggest a different phrasing. Last summer I was dating a lady who once asked, "Have you ever considered walking up to me in the kitchen and pulling me down to my knees by my hair?" (External reaction: big, sh!t-eating grin. Internal reaction: "No, but I have now!")
Point being, say your piece without over explaining. See if he'll take it from there. Are you really going to be happy with a guy that you have to explain this to, rather than one who simply sees the fun of it right away?
Stop WaitingFeel EverythingLove AchinglyGive ImpeccablyLet Go
Last summer I was dating a lady who once asked, "Have you ever considered walking up to me in the kitchen and pulling me down to my knees by my hair?"
Was she that way right from the start or did she have to feel your vibe out for a while before she could say something like that? What if she had said something like "Have you ever considered doing me real sloooow on a Sunday morning while I'm still half asleep?" or "Have you ever considered doing it in the pool next door at 2 in the morning?" or "Have you ever considered doing it wearing a clown suit?". My point being that if someone is sexually omnivorous enough eventually they might suggest something that you won't "get" sexually. In that case in can be helpful to know why that activity might turn them on. Like maybe the first time she ever saw a penis was when she accidentally walked in on the clown in the bathroom at a birthday party. Therefore, knowing myself and my tendency to generate new fantasies fairly regularly, I would rather be with the guy who was open to possibilities for pleasure rather than hard-wired in a certain way from the get-go. By analogy, I would rather be with the guy who was likely to say "Why not?" when I suggest any movie rather than the guy who I know has the same taste in movies as me because I anticipate that my taste might broaden or develop or change or ficklefy. That's why I think GGG is really probably more important than HD in the long run for me within certain limits. I would be LD in short-order with the guy who wanted it every day straight-up missionary but could probably be quite content with 2x a week guy who tried to give me just what I wanted once a week (although the exception to this rule would be the fact that one of the things I do want every so often would be a total f*ckfest. so grain of salt, work in progress etc. etc.)
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
Sex is like dancing. When we went to Salsa classes for a while this became more and more obvious to me. The ideal male dancing partner is a partner who can lead. The man has to know what he's doing and have the confidence and be into enough to shape what is happening. Are we dancing double time, or single? Are we being showy or are we just dancing because we like the music, or because we are into each other. The guy dictates what is going on - the good female dancer goes with the flow but adds her own special something. She adds flair to outline the man has given her. One of the things the dance teacher showed us was how the man gives the woman space to do her stuff and show off her moves. Good sex should be exactly like this.
No the heat does not come from the woman, it comes from the man, but the woman adds the spices.
If you think about pretty much every area of life is like that. Man builds house, woman decorates it. Man drags home beast, woman cooks it into tasty meal. The man says whats happening and makes it happen - the woman embellishes it and makes it into something nice. Men are failing in their role if they don't make things happen, women are failing if they don't make the most of what is happening or try to make something different happen.
Even weirder than that it works in the software industry (which is what I do) because all the men are programmers and all the women are UI designers, trainers, implementers etc. They take what the men have done and make it usable, nice, congenial.
Fran
if we can be sufficient to ourselves, we need fear no entangling webs Erica Jong
Sex is like dancing. When we went to Salsa classes for a while this became more and more obvious to me. The ideal male dancing partner is a partner who can lead. The man has to know what he's doing and have the confidence and be into enough to shape what is happening. Are we dancing double time, or single? Are we being showy or are we just dancing because we like the music, or because we are into each other. The guy dictates what is going on - the good female dancer goes with the flow but adds her own special something. She adds flair to outline the man has given her. One of the things the dance teacher showed us was how the man gives the woman space to do her stuff and show off her moves. Good sex should be exactly like this.
Oh, I agree. It's not even like it's an analogy. Dancing is just vertical sex with your clothes on. Besides the fact that I was a little weirded out by having to in a sense "give permission" for the dance to begin, both HD guys I dated recently CLEARLY took the lead right away after that (which is part of the reason I label them HD or at least normal drive) and actually in both situations the move was a standard dance move. One guy did "hand to small of back" (to which my reaction was "very, very nice")and the other did "lift and smush" (to which my reaction was "Wow! Yum." because you don't get the "lift" too often when you're 5'9" and not exactly Twiggy.)
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
Fran the good female dancer goes with the flow but adds her own special something. That sounds very nice. BB and I had that at one time. Her "flow" is a different direction now or maybe I don't know where the flow is going.
adds her own special something.. If it isn't her idea/flow, she won't add anything for the last many years.
One of the things the dance teacher showed us was how the man gives the woman space to do her stuff and show off her moves. I guess I am poor with giving her space. Seems when I do something, we are each headed in a different direction, or BB doesn’t want to keep up..
Man builds house, woman decorates it. Yes.
Man drags home beast, woman cooks it into tasty meal No. You brought it home, so cook it. And don't store it in Her refrigerator too long.
The man says what’s happening and makes it happen - the woman embellishes it and makes it into something nice. Sorry buddy, you are on your own.
Men are failing in their role if they don't make things happen, women are failing if they don't make the most of what is happening or try to make something different happen. I agree 100%
(women) They take what the men have done and make it usable, nice, congenial. Some women pick apart what the man has done.
Fran I wish it was the way you described. Sometimes it is. Sometimes it isn't for me.
Sorry, BB and I had a bad night and morning. No D word but she is asking why I live with her, as in, if she is so bad a person, why do I stay with her.
However, even in that sich, it's usually not the case that a woman would have to signal that she was in full-out heat in order to turn the guy on, she would just have to act sexy or be a bit assertive. I am well aware that most men would be VERY turned on by a woman doing something like MBing herself into a state of arousal in front of him and I have less than zero objection to doing things like that but IMO it's weird to think that it would be necessary. If human males really had to wait around for human females to signal heat in order to behave or react sexually there would be a lot less people on the planet.
Yes, that makes perfect sense.
The kind of signaling that I'm talking about is a bit hard to describe, and it's a lot more subtle than you seem to be talking about. It's almost like at certain times I can feel desire radiating from her, feel a certain something all through my body as soon as she touches me. She says she doesn't even really know when she's doing it, much less how to do it. And it's not anything blatantly obvious that one might tell a woman to do in order to turn on a man. But it had a profound effect on my own level of arousal and enthusiasm for the encounter.
I definitely felt at the time that something coming from her triggered a large jump in my desire, and it wasn't anything she was consciously doing. That, of course, makes it tricky to figure out just what triggered that whatever-it-was in her.
a fine and enviable madness, this delusion that all questions have answers, and nothing is beyond the reach of a strong left arm.
I definitely felt at the time that something coming from her triggered a large jump in my desire, and it wasn't anything she was consciously doing. That, of course, makes it tricky to figure out just what triggered that whatever-it-was in her.
Maybe it was "kavorka".
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
Even though my 2bx rarely acted HD, he frequently acted top so we usually did have hot monkey sex when we had it.
Well, it's the "acting top" part that my H can't seem to embrace so I don't know if we will ever have "hot monkey sex." I've pretty much given up on any desire to even try that. Thanks for the suggestions though.
Quote:
So you would never, for instance, start rubbing yourself up against your H in bed?
Oh sure, sometimes. But again, I'd have to be pretty darn horny like you were saying to do it. Most of the time I'd probably just MB instead. Avoid the hassle.
Quote:
This is going to sound like an odd suggestion but maybe you ought to read some high quality gay male erotica in order to make yourself more object-oriented. Of course, you also run the risk that you will just freak your H out by putting out that kind of vibe if his bandwidth is narrow.
Uhm....no. Lol. My H doesn't look at hetero porn much less gay porn. I know you said it was for me but I don't think that would get me anywhere. I am at least somewhat object-oriented. H is not at all. I have Never caught him looking at anything sexual. I remember once in our first apartment, the mailman kept delivery some porno mag to I guess the guy who lived there before us. H showed no interest in looking at it and threw it in the trash. I snuck it out later cause I was curious,lol. See, always having to feel ashamed of my sexuality. Why couldn't I just talk to him about it? But I just couldn't.
Quote:
Teach your nice Alpha H by actually saying what you want and telling him why you want it, why it turns you on or gets you off. The brain is only the sexiest organ when you hook it to your tongue.
I still don't think that is the issue. Burgbud said it best when he noted......
Are you really going to be happy with a guy that you have to explain this to, rather than one who simply sees the fun of it right away?
That is how I feel lots of times. If I have to tell H how and when and why to be "top", it is not only not going to work because he won't be comfortable enough to do it, but because I won't be feeling "bottom" if I have to instruct the man in that way. So frustration tends to build. I am really just at the point where I am questioning myself here and wondering why I can't let this go. He is a great guy in many ways. What the F is wrong with ME that I can't just drop all this and move on with the life we have? LFL
He is a great guy in many ways. What the F is wrong with ME that I can't just drop all this and move on with the life we have?
I don't know, LFL. I know it is tough to figure male/female dynamic stuff out. I watched "My Fair Lady" with my daughter last night and suffered some sickening moments of self-recognition with Type 7 street-urchin Eliza (Would I let Henry Higgins boss me around in an obnoxious manner in exchange for chocolates? I think we all know the answer (sigh).) OTOH, I felt the same way when I watched "Oliver" and poor, always trying to look on the bright side, Type 7 Nancy ended up dead because she was going to stay with brutish Bill as "long as he needs me.". What do you want/need from a man when you say you want/need one who is more Alpha or more Top (or more monkey or puppy dog if you feel like the guy you are with is too staid or patronizing to be sexy)? To what extent does this desire extend to the relationship or the romantic context for your sexuality rather than just the sexual interaction itself? Your H will probably never be naturally Top but he could learn to act more Top in bed at least by simply learning to do the kinds of things a Top guy might do. Of course, you would, at least initially, have that feeling of "he's not doing it right" or "this seems fake" but maybe you could start a positive spiral of arousal feeding behavior feeding arousal. You might actually try renting some porn that features the kind of behavior that turns you on and watch it with your H. There actually are hardcore "learn to be more Top to please your woman" instructional DVDs out there but they are actually probably TOO hardcore for just the more assertive vibe you are looking for.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
