Just a quick comment about her not being his mother. I think it's hurtful to not want to get your W something (given the circumstances were different in most cases ) because even though she's not YOUR mother, she IS the mother of your child(ren).
Back to the regularly scheduled programming of the Sol Show
....Understand, that I can't, not be what I am I'm not the milk, and Cheerios in your spoon ~ Avril Lavigne ~ ..."Nobody's Fool"...
My W still wants me to request some time off from work so she can take daughter to Disneyworld and Miami (though she was looking at other locations in her online search)...but she wants me to go too - she got upset that I didn't tell her if I am taking time off from work for this.
1: We don't have the money for any "vacations"....unless she wants to put it on her credit card, which she complains is "full" but is really only half full - she lied.
2: If I don't go, she will go anyway with daughter.....but she really doesn't want to do that. She does not like to travel alone and wants to drive instead in order to "save" money....it will still cost.
3: She is avoiding the issues at hand....like working on our marriage, and buying jewelry and clothes for herself and fixing up the house....
I'm sorry, but going on a vacation when there is no money for this and our M is in the brink (at least it is with me now....) tells me she is not serious about working on it and is just repeating all of the mistakes from our past.
Her response to my requests for going to counseling/stopping all contact with OM and leaving her sister alone was this: "You deprive my life"....that's what she said. And the weird thing is she is still interested in helping me build my art business by advertising by word of mouth. This is a nice gesture from her, something she could have done years ago (am I complaining???), but still nice and I don't really know why she won't agree to leave but stay miserable in this M? ....ahh, no matter, I am filing if I don't see her change, and I might just see her change WHEN I file.......but I am not filing in order to get her attention, I am no longer interested in living in a DEAD M.
Anyway, I am up right now because my daughter is sick, and I was hungry.
Last edited by sol1696; 05/27/0707:16 AM.
~Sol
~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Single Dad, and luvin it! ~ Happiness is a state of mind ~
I've just been trying to catch up here, and know almost enough to be dangerous. Why do you seem to be so intent on driving this towards a divorce? OK, so you're in a dead marriage, welcome to the club. Your wife had an affair, that's two clubs you're in. But you and her are in the house with the kids, right? That's a heck of a lot better situation than most, including me. Looks like you're not DBing as well as you could, and I'm not even sure what is good and bad anymore myself. I know the pressure you feel to set ultimatums, but did you really think your list of demands was going to get you anywhere right now? Time is on your side. She seems stuck and cannot move out due to finances, so together you will be. If you don't make the best of the time in which you have the opportunity to change yourself and your marriage, you will regret it. I've said this about my own situation; I had plenty of chances to save my marriage, but didn't have tools to do so, now I have the tools but I seem to be out of chances. If I was in your position right now, I'm "man-up", quit obsessing about her affair and show her why you're the right man for her.
You say above she made a nice gesture with your business. Great. Sounds like you're still having sex, fantastic. I'm jealous by the way, so don't give me to much credit for that particular kudo. She's still there - perfect. I have your email address from your post, so let me send you a couple things you may have seen already, but they opened my eyes a bit.
And I'm sure you probably put it in your previous thread, but it is sort of lacking here. Now this is a bit harsh, but it's late, so......... You're no longer interested in your marriage? How interested are your kids in this marriage working? I'll bet they're interested. You are not bailing on your wife, you're bailing on your kids. Look at my threads, you will see that I'm taking severe body shots in order to make my marriage work so my kids can have a normal life with BOTH mommy and daddy. I'll bet you consider yourself the kind of guy that would do anything for your kids, right? Well suck it up, forget about the affair as best you can, and get this done. Do not be the one to run. Don't.
Me: 39 WAW: 40 S10, D7, S6 Bomb #1 - 12-24-06: Move out (ILYBNILWY - admitted '05 PA) Move back: 3-2-07 (W: I still want to be married to you) Bomb # 2 - 4-11-07: (W: Can't do this - never loved you) Move out again: 4-29-07 Dark: 6-8-07
Husband - your country song is an instant classic. Good work! I'm going to cut and paste over to my thread so it gets the additional exposure and airtime it deserves. Hope I'm not violating the copyright. Check your mail for the royalty check.
There is more to my sitch going on, and I seem to need to explain everything about it in order to show the whole picture.
I have been given professional advice about the condition of my M - especially that of my W......who is hiding money from me and is reluctant to help out with some late bills. I am paying for everything, and I now understand that I am being used. I am convinced she has no love for me anymore and has made up her mind a long time ago......but you are right that she cannot move due to her inability to support herself.
The A is a dead issue to me now. Yes, I obsessed, yes I was beating a dead horse, but the only thing that matters now is that OM is still in the picture (whatever...I don't care anymore about that)....and I have been trying to get her to go to counseling since November. Well, no such luck.
What kind of a spouse that "wants" to be in a marriage refuses to go to M counseling?????? It is about ME and HER now.....
ME and HER.
So, can someone tell me why she is not willing to get our problems out in the open with a professional? Because OBVIOUSLY I cannot solve all of her problems, let alone mine!
I am doing things for me - more so than before.
I am involved in my art business (it will be my career for the rest of my life....and I am working hard at it to be a sought-after illustrator.)
I am joining my friend's church......and feel very comfortable with this as I am gaining a new family and an excellent support structure.......
I am working out, taking care of my stress this way.
Basically, I am doing the things that I felt I was held back doing by my W....she will not go to church with me, much less bring in a professional to help out our M. (I have a REAL PROBLEM with this...)
And I also agree that time is on my side....but I cannot wait on her and wallow in despair and think about her anymore......I want to use whatever time GOD gave me on this earth to be truly happy and "fix myself".....my W is always welcomed to join me, but I just beleive she has no more room in her heart for me.
~Sol
~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Single Dad, and luvin it! ~ Happiness is a state of mind ~
Sol, you know that I am no big fan of your wife's but you asked "What kind of a spouse that "wants" to be in a marriage refuses to go to M counseling?????? " A point to ponder is that she may not want to work on the M the way you do! You see MCing as "the way" but she doesn't, so what are the other options? This is where you are stuck, you see your way as the only way and otherwise see only a brick wall. You may be right about that but you may not be. Most of us came to DBing because our S's refuse things like MC. Yes, your W is in big time denial here, "let's go to Disneyworld"! My W pulled the same stunt when I told her I wasn't happy and unwilling to continue this sham for much longer. Her response was to plan a family trip to Disney World! I, too, put an end to that when I informed her there was NO MONEY!!! Sol, you are at a tough point and I know it's difficult to see much beyond the refusal to go to MC but is there something else that you could do? Also,could your W's lying about money and hiding it from you be because she's afraid you'll walk away and leave her with nothing? It's another way to look at her behaviour besides "she's using me". My W also started stashing money away in her own bank account for that reason. She did tell me and told me why. I figure if it makes her feel better, fine. I guess I'm just saying not to narrow your thinking to a fine point. Try to get back to the big picture, if you can. There may not be a problem solving answer elsewhere, I don't know, only time will tell. But, I do know that if you stop looking for alternatives then there will definately not be an answer besides filing. I hope this helps.
"What kind of a spouse that "wants" to be in a marriage refuses to go to M counseling?????? "
A spouse who is not strong enough to confront HERSELF yet because of embarassment, shame, guilt, and very low self-esteem. She is afraid and terrified of ANYONE really seeing HER for who she is and has become.
WELL SAID. sometimes we forget that our S even though they are not acting like it right now are people we once and still do love. They loved us at one time just as much. It's kinda like they are drunk. they don't know they are drunk or don't want to admit it. But You know how they really are when somber.
Husband
And if I claim to be a wise man, well It surely means that I don't know
Sol, my W's reply, when I suggest counselling together, was "It will just show that I am to blame and I have lots of issues to work out. I already know that, so why do I need counselling?" Oh, I dunno, maybe to start working on them? So, anyway, OT is probably right on.
"What kind of a spouse that "wants" to be in a marriage refuses to go to M counseling?????? "
A spouse who is not strong enough to confront HERSELF yet because of embarassment, shame, guilt, and very low self-esteem. She is afraid and terrified of ANYONE really seeing HER for who she is and has become.
Compassion could really help here.
OT....
I think you are right. I know that along with her stubbornness, she has way too much pride to humble herself in front of a stranger.
AS I see it right now, she is not "into me".
~Sol
~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Single Dad, and luvin it! ~ Happiness is a state of mind ~
) because even though she's not YOUR mother, she IS the mother of your child(ren).