7.5 Months of Separation

[FLTC]

Locked. Other than AmyC, I think I might be the longest survivng poster at this point. Had a session via phone tonight with D16 at her school in Utah. As you may know, her out of control behavior caused us to pull her out of her public school and send her to a private school for her own well being.

The topic of our separation came up,because counselor wanted to know how D16 felt. D16 first said she was angry at W., but was resolved to it. Then she stated that after the separation, there was somewhat of a relief for her, but she didn't know if it was because W. went out when I was there with them, or because there was no tension. Counselor seemed to had no idea what W.s plans were, and asked if reconciliation might be possible. I did not blame W., and in fact I said, "I hope so, but happy people typically don't leave marriages. I contributed a lot to her unhappiness".

I said to D16 that I thought the separation was a good thing at this point, and I'm not convinced it isn't. It gives all of us a chance to step back and look at the picture. It was tough to sort out the R. from the R. a totally out of control teenager had with her mother. As you recall, they actually would physically fight. The year in Iraq for me will exorcize a lot of demons for me. I've trained for 26 years, and will give this my all, and will be honored to be termed a "combat veteran"

Of course, a big fear for me is that D16 will have the same conversation w/ W. during her session next week, and this will validate W's "need to divorce for the kids"

I guess I can only hope that my W. somehow has a paradigm shift toward M., much as a co-worker of mine did. She filed for D. from H, but told me over 2 years, she came full circle, and just couldn't "pull the trigger". Who knows

[Matilda2]

FLTC, just keep thinking the year separation is a positive for everyone! What will you do to "exorcize those demons"? What can you do for yourself during this year???? (besides staying alive and well!)

How is the training? Tough???

Matilda

[FLTC]

Hey Matilda,

Yes, it's long and tough, but it IS the Army and we are going to war, so it's not an issue.

Well, its Memorial Day weekend, the start of the summer. It should be the start of my favorite season of the year. Cookouts, beach, vacation. All the things that families do together. I’m sitting at Ft. Bragg NC, and will work 18 hour days right through the weekend on my way to Iraq. The last part of the previous sentence doesn’t bother me at all……I desperately miss the first part, and think I may never be there again.

Talked to W. last Saturday. It was cordial, and we even laughed a little. Sent a couple of emails telling her I was going to withdraw some $ from our account. I have not taken a cent out of the bank account since last September. Once I came on active duty, I sent every cent home. I am not going to be a martyr over this. I need money too, and I earn most of it, so too bad.

She does not contact me at all. If I contact her, it’s because I want to know about my kids from her perspective. Both of them were pretty sad when I left.

Any ideas how or if I should try and contact her at all, or just leave it up to her. She has always accused me of not being intimate and communicative before. I am getting so tired of this, but boy do I miss my intact family, especially during holiday season. I am really glad to be around others with a similar purpose here, however.

[Matilda2]

Any ideas how or if I should try and contact her at all, or just leave it up to her.

Can you just try family emails for awhile? Sounds like staying in touch with the children is important to you. I know you want to find out how they really are from your wife's perspective, but that doesn't seem to be working from what you said. I haven't read all your old posts so I am not clear on your relationship with your children. You said they are sad. Sad because you are gone? Sad because their sister is away? Sad that their parents are not together?

My D16 acts they she doesn't care if her dad and I divorce. But I know she does by the questions she asks. I think the unknown is hard for her, but doesn't want to show her feelings.

Hope others have good ideas to help you more.

[Matilda2]

Don't discount snail mail for your children, FLTC. Even at 16, getting real mail is a joy (my sister sent my D16 a card and she was so surprised to have real mail!). No matter what happens between you and your W, building back a rapport with your children seems to me to be an important task. Just simple cards with a clear message that you love them. Ask about their activities and then respond to what they write about. I could just imagine telling your son about some of the dessert critters you encounter (looking ahead for when you are in Iraq). It might be a "stretch" finding happy thoughts right now, but let them know you are thinking of them. Pick up some cards at the PX. Buy 3 of the same card and mail separately to each child. Send mail even if you don't hear back from them right away. (of course, you will have to withdraw more money from savings just to pay for postage until you get overseas--LOL).

Remember that this is the time you need to be thinking of making FLTC happy and healthy! That won't happen over night. Remember that you want this separation to be a positive experience for all of you.

I know Memorial Day weekend isn't easy! Try to forget the beach, family cookouts, etc. You are there in the midst of the real meaning of Memorial Day. Thank you for your part in making all of us safer and more secure!!!!! Good luck with the training and your long days.

[Matilda2]

Me, again! Just caught a thread called "going dark - 101". Maybe it will help answer the question you posed before.
I didn't read the whole thread, but read something how it doesn't work if that was your "normal" behavior. Something for you to read in your spare time (since you are ONLY working 18 hr days! )

Any ideas how or if I should try and contact her at all, or just leave it up to her. She has always accused me of not being intimate and communicative before.

[FLTC]

Thanks, Matilda. Not many responses. It seems like all my old friends have taken a break or have moved on from this BB.

Not much to write about lately. W. did send some pictures of kids. I do not call her and she does not call me. When I reach her, It's upbeat and positive. Every now and again I call to speak to the kids and she answers. The calls are usually fine, almost friendly. I always end them first. Either I’m detached or have lost hope at this point.

Every time I see small kids and parent, it literally hurts like a chest wound. I am not going dark, but not pursuing through calls either. There are times where I hate W. like I’ve never hated anyone before.

I’m not quite sure, but being away and on my way to Iraq for a year has really helped me to get my mind off of it all. Of course, when I went home or when I go home again the entire situation will flood over me like tsunami. I do have over a year before I need to face that.

I can’t help but think: I know I really need to improve in a lot of areas, but her pushing for a D. is about the most self-centered thing I can imagine, but she has never been wrong in 20 years. Not once. Not one I’m sorry…….ever.

[catfan]

Hey man, no I haven't abandoned you or the board by any means. I have been moving to a lot better place personally in many respects and that means less focus on our situation, which is improving again but has a long way to go.

I can really, really identify with the anger, hate, bitterness, frustration, resentment idea. It became crystal clear earlier this week that I really need to work on it. I suppress so much of it still. I realized on Tuesday night after she and I talked that I need professional assistance in coping and dealing with it. If there is anything that is holding us back it's me and my internalized anger issues. I feel like I really need to find a constructive outlet for it but yet to find anything that is satisfying. Exercise only goes so far and usually isn't enough for me. Hmm maybe a punching bag. LOL! What about you?

You said something that somewhat concerns me, "she has never been wrong in 20 years..." I read that and though no, FLTC feels like he's never been right in 20 years. Sounds like he really doesn't think much of himself and let's her adversely affect how he thinks of himself. So my good friend, tell me the things you have done for yourself recently that you are most proud of.

Oh you still interested in grabbing a beer sometime?

[FLTC]

CF,

My frustration is that I have been beaten down over the years over everything. I could never do anything without 15 sugestions on how to improve my performance from making a bed to doing laundry to vacuuming to every parental decision I made. That's the frustration. Sometimes there were just phantom explosions for no reason. I feel really good doing what I'm doing. This is the best think I could ever do for myself. I have a whole year to take care of something I really needed to do by playing a role in the war on terror, no matter how anyone else feels about Iraq. I really feel better than I have in a long time, but just like you, I desperately miss my intact family.

I'd sell my sole for a beer, but we cannot leave Ft. Bragg, wear civilian clothes, drink or use a private vehicle during the pre-mobilization training> Active duty guys preparing to mob go home every night, put on civilain clothes and see their families. So much for "One Army, One Fight!"

[No_hill_for_a_Swimmer]

I'd sell my sole for a beer, but we cannot leave Ft. Bragg, wear civilian clothes, drink or use a private vehicle during the pre-mobilization training> Active duty guys preparing to mob go home every night, put on civilain clothes and see their families. So much for "One Army, One Fight!"

Some of the restrictions placed on the reservists are insane. In Iraq restrictions were placed on E5 and below and one Sgt explained to me. " Doc I have a masters and a 1.5 million business a year and I need you to escort me ?!?"

Usually such silliness goes out the window after the 2nd month in the combat zone.

This is the best think I could ever do for myself. I have a whole year to take care of something I really needed to do by playing a role in the war on terror, no matter how anyone else feels about Iraq.

You are correct. I am sorry it comes at a critical time in your marriage and kids life however you will not be known as one who ducked. I was also blamed for everything it's common.

NOTE: We both knew the Vietnam era and what our Vietnam Bros and Servicewomen suffered. I firmly believe America is now seperating the warrior and the decision making process that sent them. Through war fatigue we do not get parades and are more ignored but we are still thanked more often than chastized even by people who are against the war.

As you saw at the funerals the oppsition groups were silenced by wheels of thunder and honestly the oppsition groups got the velvet glove treatment in this senerio.

Every politician know full well he will be replaced sooner if the flow of oil is cut like the 70's than if we have 150,000 troops over the middle east getting killed about 100/month. We demand the lifestyle that energy source brings us. This has been a consistant policy since Richard Nixon and I do not see it changing.

In any case you will do well.