Why do these things happen

[789]

This weekend cannot end quick enough, I can't find enough things to keep myself busy, or should I say mind occupied. The one semi good thing to happen is W came over for dinner with our S. The only bad part was that I felt like my S and I were the only two here, she was polite and seemed to be in a good mood, but seemed to act like we did not exist most of the visit over. Is that something normal or abnormal, or am I doing my usual trying to out think anything going on or said?

[JR2007]

You just keep doing the best you can for you. You can't control her, you can't change things by thinking about them. You can only make you the best person you can be and let her start missing you! If you're attractive to her, she'll start remembering the good times instead of focusing on the bad. You offer her a better future than what she is envisioning in her head apart from you, and she'll start to soften.

Show her the improved man you're becoming and be confident in who you are. Things will turn out for good for you. Keep the faith!

[789]

Thanks Jr,
I agree whole heartedly with everything you wrote, I also think I already knew it. Sometimes I think I just like to hear it again to re-affirm that I am doing the right approaches to all this.
As you know from my longer post the other day, this is something that alot of people do not know who are close to both of us, so they only see one part of the picture, with a big "blank" hole not explaining a big part of the reasons. With that said, I do look big time to this forum, and not just my own thread, for guidance, hope, and reassurance that life does go on either way and everything will be good in the long run.
Well thanks once again. I haven't seen you post much lately, how are things going for you?
Take care and GOOD LUCK.

[imLIN]

789....

I didn't forget about you...been thinking of how your W might be feeling about all of this...my gut tells me she might have felt a bit betrayed that you didn't share this part of your life with her before now...and especially since she was paying the price for it all along in your drinking...part of me also says that she is confused on how to handle this...confused on viewing you as a victim...but also a willing participant (although I believe a teenager is not really capable of understanding the scope of all that is going on especially in these situations)...

Question...the lady who came in to be interviewed...was it HER? or just the name that brought back the haunting memories?

You see my H has dropped a lot on me...I knew of his abusive childhood...I didn't know he was forced to participate in the rape of his own sister...when he was only 5 years old!!!...I also didn't know that he was subject to sexual abuses from other males at this time either...I have had to hold it together...having been in a situation sort of like your own...not exactly...but putting myself in situations where I was taken advantage of my older men as a teenager...I think this helped me to deal with what my H has disclosed...if your W has not experienced an abuse of this type in her life she may find it very difficult to understand...it would be good if she would go to counseling but aside from that there are books out there...I know I am supposed to get one that my H's therapist recommended that I read...it is written for the abused...but it gives insight for those closest to the ones recovering...

Drug use, alcohol addictions and the like rarely happen to people who have led a "charmed" life...it usually occurs out of some sort of deep pain from some sort of abuse...usually someone close but in your case it can be just someone who should have known better then to "use a child" for their own sick gratifications...my H still feels deep deep guilt about his sister (even though he realistically understands he was also a victim and the situation was not within his control due to his very very young age) ...of this particular event his sister has no recall of it (she is a recovered drug addict...she does remember abuses just not that one)...I also suspect that their older brother who is a very serious alcoholic is repressing his own demon memories...again, I feel empathy for him even though I don't like his drinking and how he acts...I know he is broken...but only HE can start to fix himself...

You have taken the most important step...hopefully your wife will realize this...you have reached out for help...you are trying to heal that deep hurt...you are broken and trying to mend the cracks of your soul...this is the hardest part...and you have done it...hopefully someday she will be able to understand the past that she didn't like (alcoholic H) and appreciate what it took for you to step up and seek help...

take care....Lin

[789]

Lin,
I just saw your post, unfortunately I must run off to work, I will post later this afternoon. Thanks

[789]

Okay, finally home from work.

I have thought about it many times, she might feel betrayed, but she hasn't given me that feeling. It was mainly shock, but as time has gone on you are right she may be feeling that way. I do realize that she has been paying for it with my drinking for 10 years. Believe me, I know it is not any kind of excuse, and I have handled it all wrong for all these years, but I let the fear, the embarrasment, and all that comes with it rule my life for way to long. I wish I had the backbone then, and since then before it ever made it this far. As for her being confused on me being a victim, I do not know how to put it but I was the victim and I will not take responsiblity for it now, or then. I will beat it, I will overcome it finally, but I really did not have much of a choice once it got started.

The lady who came in was just in name only, not the person or to my knowledge even a relative.

My W has by all accounts, lived a charmed childhood, a very loving and close-knit family. They did all the things I wish I could have done growing up, or for that fact even today. At the current moment she has no desire for any kind of counseling. Even if I went out and found a good book about abuse, I know she would not even crack it open at the present time.

I agree, most addicts of any sort usually have some past that helped influence the begining of the downword spiral, and it is up to us same people to begin fixing ourselves, no one can do it for us, or for that fact they cannot even push us towards healing, we fight back !

I have taken the first baby steps in recovery, woohoo almost at 3 months. I believe in this same short time period I have really come to terms with the abuse. Not thrilled with going thru it all over again in my head, but it had to come out before I self-destructed even further.

I am positive in my head, heart and soul, that I am going to beat both of these mind altering problems. I realize with time, no matter how my M ends up I will be a much better human being than I have ever been. I will start living instead of hiding, life will get better and better as I go. I just really hope in my heart that it is not to late for my M, I hope that I have not thrown so much in her lap on top of drinking were she sees no recourse but to move on without me. Even through all the problems, and the not telling her, she is my BEST FRIEND, even if I might not be hers.

One of the hardest problems along with the seperation is that I really have no one that I can truly open up too, yes some know now what happened but I just cannot let go and pour my feelings out which I so desprately want to do with my W. As you know with DB'ing, I am not suppose to show that much, and even in normal circumstances I know that would be hard, but right now even after comming forward, I feel I am being told to do what I have done for the last 25 years, hold it in, don't show it, DAMN that is what started my self "medicating" in the first place, no I will not start that again ! ! ! It just makes life tough and depressing at the moment.

I just hope I can hold out for her and she doesn't drag it on any longer than she has too. In knowing her, I can see her waiting and waiting without saying a word, then, begin the next part of our/her journey and assume I knew which way it was going and to jump on board. In other words she will not really even give me any feelings one way or the other till she is 100% positive. I just hope when she comes to her decision it is "us" going down the yellow brick road and not me traveling it alone.

[imLIN]

789...I do hope that you didn't feel I was questioning your being a victim...I totally believe that were/are...as is your wife in a second-hand way...and I suspected that her life was probably one that would make it hard for her to understand where you are coming from...probably one of the things that attracted you to her was her stable and loving family...you wanted a part of her life...the sad part was that didn't change what happened to you and it didn't help fix the broken you...

My H stuffed his feelings for many years like you as well...I can tell you honestly that the times he has broken down and poured it out to me....twice when he was drinking and once when he relapsed...I could really see his pain...

Your right...for now you can't do that with your W...but I can say that if you two get back together...you will need to share this with her...maybe in counseling if you can get her there...but either way it will be part of your healing to let it all out...

There was a show on Oprah (again, I don't watch these shows hardly ever) it was about a young man who got involved online with another man who started out befriending him...then eventually was paying him to perform on webcam for him...sending him money and gifts...on the surface some might think this young man had a choice...that he was a willing participant...but he was a victim....you see adults have a certain amount of control they can excercise...they can seduce and bring a young person under their control...while it might not be phyically painful for the young person...and there might even be some enjoyment...it is still very damaging psychologically...as you well know...because one day that young person is either caught...or they grow up...and then the fog lifts and they see how they were really used...how it wasn't love...or friendship...there wasn't anything genuine about that person...it was a perversion that was used against them...

So, yes I understand...I have my issues from my teens...not as bad as yours but I can relate...and it pains me even to this day when I recall it...so I know how you feel...I also see what my H is going through...thankfully I never got addicted to drugs or alcohol...although I did use them at times...but I understand...and I think you are doing a wonderful job...3 months is a milestone....that is the point when a counselor will start to talk about past issues with a recovering addict...that is because it is at this point that the RA is finally free of the drugs/alcohol that once controled his system....and this is when the mind starts to clearly see things as they are...

So you are doing great...I am very proud of you for what you have accomplished to this point...keep up the good work...and I also hope that your W will again join you on the yellow brick road....

Take care....Lin

[789]

Hello Lin,
No I did not think you were questioning it, although I have many times over the years. Even during drunken episodes I never broke down, if nothing else I probably clamed up even more.

Yes, I did fall in love with her family also, and how functional and fun loving it was and enjoyed being around them. My parents are still married, but we never had much of a "family" if that makes any sense.

I sometimes just wish I could shake her and make her understand that even though I have put her thru alot. She really doesn't understand the pain I have been thru either. That I never did anything to intentionally hurt her or our M. I know I have no excuses, but it was not to make her life a living hell, even if I have been living thru one. I wish she would do some soul searching, some reading up on topics that might help her understand. But alas, it is still in my lap and my problem.
If she could just come to understand, to let me truly heal and see me as my true self, I know in my heart she could fall in love with me all over again. That between the two of us, we have so much potential to grow and be stronger and have the happy, healthy, and loving marriage I believe we both want.

Either way, I will overcome this. I just want her to be a part of the process in the long run.

One of the thoughts I have had many times in the last couple months is that if the things that had not happened way back then, I would not have made the choices I had, and if I had not, I would have never met her. I, for some reason still think that I would not want to change my past. Because of it, I met my best friend and W. If that was the curse I had to go thru, I don't think I would trade it.

Okay now I fricken crying, so much for a fricken 40 yr old male.

[imLIN]

I understand what your saying...my H gave me something from his recovery class that I keep in mind...it said this:

No one will ever understand the extent and amount of guilt that the recovering alcoholic feels inside.

I will try and come across some things that I have found helpful reading...maybe in time you can ask that she "look them over" because no matter what happens with you two you will forever be contected with your son...and for that reason alone it best that she understand fully what you are dealing with...because your son has the potential to follow in your footsteps...he has a greater risk of becoming an alcoholic himself...I am sure she would want to understand all she can for his sake...now may not be the right time...but in time you two will need to discuss this...

I also believe you when you say that you never wanted to cause her the pain and hurt you have...I don't believe my H did either...it was such a relief to me when he finally realized what he was doing and was able to get help...I hope, given the time, your wife will feel that relief as well...just give her time...and yourself time...you need to heal as individuals...then you can move on from there...

Take care...and don't worry 'bout crying in front of me...it only makes you a human!

[789]

Thank you Lin,
You do not know how much your words help.
I do realize when it comes to marriage and seperations, mine is really no worse or better than the average persons. It is the extra baggage that just makes it painful.
Life will be good, just let my self heal, and stop thinking that everything should change overnight. If I can let that part go, it will help the rollercoaster in my head to slow down, hell maybe even stop.