One link at a time

[BeingMe]

Just a spot of journalling, and some circular thinkin' ...

So, I spent a couple of hours in the garden yesterday, pulling up weeds, planting some seeds, watering, etc. I have never been a gardener, but we have almost a quarter acre garden now, and I have decided that I have to either work at it, or put it all under lawn. I actually rather enjoyed it, especially since it was a lovely day, warm, but slightly overcast ... perfect gardening weather I would think. I found the physical work helped me concentrate on something else, other than my M.

This week has gone by so fast. My H has been contacting me regularly, although he has been busy in meetings. He is working during the weekend too. I believe it's a long one in the USA, but not here in Canada, so he's pretty much on his own at work.

Here's the strange thing ... I am enjoying this time without H at home. I feel free to do my own thing, go to bed when I want, no stressing about what to make for dinner, actually no stress at all. I wonder what that means? I just go about my day, sometimes humming under my breath, feeling so relaxed and positive.

It's been quite a long time since I worried about the ML issue (I'm getting to the point where I don't really care anymore if he wants to fulfill my needs - I have expressed them, he has chosen to ignore them, so we will see where that will lead me - perhaps it will eventually lead me out of the M, or not, but I am not going to obsess about it, or worry, or talk to him about it all the time, in fact not at all - doesn't get me anywhere). We have had S a few times this past few weeks before he left, but I wouldn't call it ML. Oh grief! This is such an embarrassing subject, that this is the only place I can express this particular 'issue'. Yikes!

I am still trying to decide what to do about my studies. I am not taking any courses this semester since the exams are in July, and I want my summer to be free, in case I can get down to the USA to visit with my D26. I really enjoy studying, and learning new things (for instance, I never thought I would like Anatomy, but found it fascinating - go figure), but now I have to decide on whether I want to be a personal fitness trainer, or change to something else. Sometimes, I think I'm too old to be having this type of confusion, on the other hand this is just the time I find a lot of my friends are changing careers, or starting their own businesses. 'That time' I am referring to is when the kids are all grown, and even the ones at home are more independent, and one's role as mom is changing and you're not needed that much. So, you have a lot of time on your hands. I will, of course, stick to the creative writing and art, but that won't pay many bills if I opt out of the M (and that option is never too far from my mind, I'm sad to say).

It is becoming clear to me that, although I may be in piecing, I'm not sure my M is going to actually get pieced. I find we do not know how to communicate with each other. My H does not like discussing emotional issues (there's that blasted word again), or any marital issue for that matter (he seems to think R talk is confrontational talk). He would far prefer to go back to the way it was before, and just hope that somehow I will find a way to trust him again, forget about what happened, without his doing much about it. Sigh! It's really a pity because he is a great guy, but a difficult man to have an intimate R with. I am a bit at an impasse (sp?) with regards to my M. I am happy with myself, am doing all the required self analysis, self realisation, building my self esteem, and finding the real me again (the person I was before I lost myself in the M, and being a mom, as much as I love that role). I would love to be in a loving, healthy R (preferably with my H), but I just don't see that in the cards any time soon. The sad thing is, I'm not too devastated about it. It is what it is, and I am coming to accept that my M will never be what I want it to be, but what my H wants it to be. Very irksome, and it may come to a point where I decide that it's just not worth it anymore.

Anyway, I am happy, and know that whatever happens, I will be okay ... I will be more than okay, I will be great.

I am now off to ye ol' Home Depot to get some gardening stuff. It's another beautiful day in paradise!

Take care, y'all!!!!!